Real American Hero
Cheers to you airport announcer woman. Without you I wouldn’t know that I have to keep my baggage attended at all times while in Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. And any and all other airports. Without your cheery voice, Sherry Perry and Mr. & Mrs. Bob O’Connor would not get their calls on the white courtesy phone.
You keep our national infrastructure lubed like a well-oiled Shannon Elizabeth.
Airport Personalities:
Haggard Business Man
Typified by rumpled suit, loosened tie, and dress shoes. Carries an attache case. Often seen at airport watering holes hitting on transvestites and lushes. Technique: wears wedding ring, sobs over row of whiskey shots about ‘dead’ wife or ‘cheating’ wife. Pleads for sympathy or revenge sex.
Up and Coming Business Woman
Found wearing pant suits, with jacket over one shoulder. Sleeveless blouse. Fashionably sensible heels. One-hand on wheeled carry-on bag. Seen strutting to and from gates and baggage claims with cocksure, Gloria Steinem feminist confidence. Likely to knee Haggard Business Man in the balls. Carries Mace for the homeless.
The Ride Home
Arrives at least an hour early. Schmucks that they are, they forget to check whether the plane is on-time. Constantly checks arrival screens for updates. Sits as far away from other Rides Home as possible. Steals any seat you might think is open, seconds before you get there. Smells of despair. If not sitting, paces in a circle like a pussy-whipped lion in a cage.
Chickenshit “Inconspicuous” Airport Security Supervisor
Wears sharp, tailored suits. Close-cropped hair. Possibly gelled. Shitty shoes are a must. 5 year old shoes that have been dragged through every season (all 2 of them) and gutter Chicago has to offer. Can’t afford better shoes because all money was spent on the suit. Walks with elbows in like a chick, not elbows out like a cowboy. Uses “sir” and “ma’am” in most offensive way possible, especially to children. Nose is angled up at such a degree as to make French waiters turn a darker shade of green than their frog legs.
Vacation Girls
Travel in groups of at least 3. Dark tan. Tank-top. No bra. Braided hair. They’re 10s so long as they keep their mouth shut except for consensually agreed upon (or not) activities.
Low Income Ride Home
Spends all airport time at Midway. Can’t navigate O’Hare. Constantly asking for directions. Permanently unsure of surroundings, always asking nearest SkyCap for verification. Would feel more comfortable at Ford City Mall.
Guy Looking For Bathroom
Walks quickly. Easily mistaken for Knows Where He’s Going Man. Always ends up choosing the wrong door. Not the exit door for the bathroom. No, the security stand with the flashing lights, large DO NOT ENTER sign, and armed guards that is right next to the bathroom. Invariably sets off the alarm and gets yelled at to back the fuck up lest he receive a Chicago style beat down from the 5-0 and National Guard.
Foreign-looking Traveler
Shifty eyes. Not because they’re guilty of anything, but because they don’t want to share the same fate as Bathroom Man…only with the added prize of Cavity Search Man.
Leaving Over-the-Hill Las Vegas
Everything stays in Vegas. Except for her cheap whore make-up and clothes too-tight and too-skimpy for J.LO, let alone some leathery, malignant melanoma freckled tanning bed jockey.
Custodial Personnel
Wears rubber glove. Carries garbage bag with optional dustpan and broom. Thrilled to clean up all your tourist slob shit.
Gutterloving 12-13 Year Old with Mom
Kids just have to be getting stupider. That’s the only explanation. You little shit, I hope you fall out of the jetway.
Fat People
There are loads of them. They are inescapable. They have the gravity of a neutron star. No wonder there’s so little room on the plane. Also explains the cost of tickets: you’re paying to fly their fat asses and their XXXXXL muumuus.
Slice Of The Day: Alyson Hannigan
by Sharkey on @ 1:04 pm
She’s good looking, a little quirky, and makes out with chicks for money. Any one of those can be a prerequisite for being slice of the day, but Alyson Hannigan has them all rolled up into one sweet strawberry flavored package. Dig in.
By the way, that pieclopedia link is still in the production phase. If anyone gets any bright ideas for it, let me know.
Who’s The Boss?
by Sharkey on @ 9:42 am
Art For Art’s Sake
by Norstrin on @ 8:48 am
Not Safe For Work, butternuts.
The blowjob truly is an art form.
This begs the question: why don’t more lesbian porn pics actually show direct mouthification of the kiddieslide?
If you wouldn’t accept a blowjob from her, then you must have been anally fisted by your mom at an early age.
Blowjob, what blowjob?
That makes fording the red river tempting.
I’m too good to you fuckers.
i swear to god..
by perrytheass on August 3, 2003 @ 10:47 pm
If just one more person starts talking about The Da Vinci Code, I’m taking a fucking baseball bat to some motherfucker’s kneecaps. Hard. Okay, that’s all for now.
Ernie: “You’re my bitch, Bert”
by Norstrin on @ 11:16 am
For anyone to rate a blowjob anything less than swank they must be some kind of rumploving homoqueer (not that there’s anything wrong with that). You all gotta be the kind of homoqueer rumplovers who walk around with poles up their ass for the principle of it. You tightasses need to loosen up.
What kind of sickfuck would prefer having shitcrusted, asschafing mandingorod piledriven 9″ up their poopchute by Prison Bubba instead of knobslobification by the slice of their choice? A dickless sociopathic bitch, that’s who.
This post brought to you by the letters ‘A’ and ‘Compound Wordification’.
Once again, the LAPD dazzles us with its brilliance
by Tzeen on August 1, 2003 @ 8:33 pm
FOUR of the eight people killed in slayings that stretch back to 1997 were close associates of Knight, the Los Angeles Times reported in Fridays editions. Investigators have warned Knight to be cautious.
Word on the street is theres a hit out on Suge Knight, said Det. Michael Caouette of the Los Angeles County Sheriffs Department.
I have to commend the LAPD on some bang up police work. How amazing is it that they figured all this out!? Citizens of Los Angeles should sleep soundly knowing there are such outstanding public servents watching out for them (unless of course you happen to be black.) Suge Knight connected with all sorts of gang violence!? I never woulda guessed such a thing. I did some other digging and found a few other amazing things uncovered by the LAPD.
White people may be the target of crime after dark in Compton
Also…
Heroin use may result in addiction and infectious disease
If you leave your car unlocked, the chances of it getting stolen or urinated in increases considerably
Ahhhh now that’s some good police work. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna take some PCP and go out and see if I can’t get a bunch of black cops to beat the shit out of me on videotape because I want to be the next CourtTV sensation.
It’s not the size of the prize, it’s the motion in the ocean
by Norstrin on @ 3:16 pm
American English pretty much sucks. The Irish cornered the market on linguistic ingenuity.
There is one upside to American English: the compound word.
I daresay we would not be anywhere without such gems as ‘asshole’ ‘fuckbutter’ ‘chucklefuck’ ‘sonuvabitch’ and many others.
But there is only one word that matters.
I submit for you consideration: blowjob.
And The Important Thing Is That I Never Got My Come-Uppance
by Sharkey on @ 2:47 pm
[ Dog Gives Flasher His Come-Uppance ] – thanks John
A drunken Croat flasher got more excitement than he bargained for when he pushed his penis through a woman’s fence and her dog bit it, local newspapers said on Friday.
The visibly drunk man was walking down the street and started swearing and shouting at the woman for no reason. He then shoved his penis through her fence, unaware her dog was on the other side, police said.
Ha Ha *grabs dick in sympathy pain* HA, motherfucker!
It says that he got off with light injuries, although he’s being charged with “insulting the moral feelings of citizens”, which is probably the lamest way of saying “shoving your junk in someone’s fence” that I’ve ever heard. Does that mean that in Zagreb I’d receive the same sentence as this guy for say, picking on a chick for being prude? So does that mean that catcalls are pretty much illegal over there? If so, how do their construction workers not kill themselves? I mean, you’re wearing a goofy helmet, covered in sweat, eating with dirty hands and you’ve got to not act like a testosterone-filled pig. I think implosions would be their number one cause of male death in Croatia, or wherever this cockbitten bastard lives.
….
…oh, I’m sorry. I was just daydreaming about how fun it would be to walk down the street and see imploded chunks of people lying all over the place. But that’s only because I shot a terrible golf game today, and I hate you because of it.
stereotypical tipping rant
by perrytheass on July 31, 2003 @ 11:01 pm
I was eating at this Mongolian BBQ restaurant the other day with some friends of mine. I got into a little argument with them about tipping. Before I even start…let me just get it out of the way that Mongolian BBQ…is like a buffet with meats, vegetables, noodles, and sauces that the customer utilizes to make his own plate of food. You get it all cold, and the cooks cook it in front of you on a giant 1200 degree table-like thing. Anyways…needless to say, the food is awesome, but I looked at the menu to discover that a lunch buffet is $6.00 while a “dinner”(it was like 5:30 in the afternoon) buffet is $13.50. “How could there be this much of a price increase!?” I thought to myself. “Surely the food doesn’t become that of a higher calibur after 4 pm!” I thought. Well, it doesn’t, but all four of us ended up paying $13.50 anyways since the food is fucking great. Fast forward to an hour later, when we get the bill (its $67); My friends want to leave a 15% tip(which would make the total about $77). To me, leaving this waiter a ten dollar tip seems fucking ridiculous. Why the fuck should we give someone 10 extra dollars for doing nothing? I mean, sure, he brought out our drinks and some rice…but other than that, he did absolutely nothing that would merit a tip of more than 4 bucks. All my friends were calling me a cheapskate but I was like “look, if you guys wanna give this motherfucker 10 dollars for bringing you a dr. pepper, feel free. Here’s my one dollar.” Was I wrong to do this? I mean…what the fuck did he do? People at Steak ‘n’ Shake carry more shit to the table than this guy did, and yet, we feel generous giving those poor bastards anything more than 3 bucks. Just cuz the food that we got up and put together ourselves was expensive doesn’t mean that this cornhole should get 10 dollars of our money, in my opinion. Now, if i was tipping the cooks, then maybe I wouldn’t have argued about it. They do work. But this waiter didn’t do a god damned thing. I feel like I did the right thing, but I could be an asshole, I don’t know.