BAMF

Speaking of candy and vomit: I once had a baseball game and they gave us all gelooze (that faux kool-aid drink with the gelatin inside) afterwards. So I drank one, maybe two.

Then my family took me to eat at Bennigan’s. And I love French onion soup, so I ordered a bowl and a buffalo chicken sandwich.

I ate the soup. No problem. 5 minutes later…oh I don’t feel good. So I walked to the bathroom with my bro and made it inside the door but then puked all over the floor. And by all over the floor, I mean all over the floor.

I felt much better.

Ate my buffalo chicken sandwich, too.

Best tasting vomit, ever.

Does anyone else watch this show? That fucking Asian guy Dat Phan wasn’t even funny when the show first started, how the fuck did he win? His whole set was about how funny his mom talks cause she’s Asian, and thats what the general public wants? FUCK the general public, I’m going to go find everyone who voted for him and kill them. We already have Margaret Cho to make stupid ass Asian stereotypes, we don’t need another. Ralphie was the funniest one there, he weighed 500 pounds, and his girlfriend was hot, he deserved to win.

HOBE SOUND, Florida (AP) — A woman who won thousands of dollars playing bingo was shot in the stomach early Monday morning when she refused to give the money to would-be robbers, sheriff’s officials said.

Pamela Anderson, 39, won $5,900 at bingo Sunday night near West Palm Beach before leaving with a friend for her home in Hobe Sound, about 30 miles north. A car with two men and two women trailed behind her. When Anderson arrived home early Monday, one man pointed a gun at her and told her to open her car door and give him the money.

When she refused, he shot her. Anderson then tried to drive to the hospital but started to faint and crashed into construction barricades.

She was taken by helicopter to a West Palm Beach hospital and was listed in critical condition Monday. Her passenger was unhurt.

The suspects didn’t get any of Anderson’s money, authorities said.

I have problems with several parts of this. Before I get to those, let us first review what we learn from this incident. First, we learn what a 39 year old Hobe Sound Florida woman’s life is worth. If her own actions are any indication, it is worth $5900. If she dies, I’m sure her family will engrave on her tombstone a loving tribute to her valient death in the name of bingo winnings.

Now…First off I noticed her name is Pam Anderson. We don’t even have to touch that one. I’ll let it slide and you can just make up a punchline in your own head.

Second, the carload of redneck scumbags trailed the woman with the cash for THIRTY MILES. They then SHOT her. The worst part about this is that they DIDN’T EVEN GET THE FUCKING MONEY!!! Its not like there was just ONE scumbag, or two. There were FOUR and none of them had the good criminal instinct to grab the goddam swag after they capped the lady? I’m not condoning their actions…its just that I was raised to do things 100% and I tend to get a little irate when I hear about a job done half-assedly. This incomplete robbery is a direct assault on my core values! Hell, when you factor in the costs of gas and ammo, the crooks actually LOST money in this deal. Plus 10 evil points for the shooting and minus 5 for running away empty handed

Third… “Her Passenger was unhurt.” The passenger stayed in the car!? What in the wide wide world of sports led to THAT development?

I can imagine what the dialogue must have been like in that car following the shooting. Actually, check that. I can imagine what the “choose your own adventure” version of this story would look like.

“Your friend has been shot! Do you:
1. Go inside the house and call an ambulance (turn to the next page)
2. Have her lie down in the back of the car while you drive her to the hospital (turn to page 78)
3. Tell her that she had better step on it if she wants to get to the ER before she bleeds to death (turn to page 100)”

That must have been some kind of crazy carnival ride until Pam passed out and crashed the car. I’m sure some kind of ironic song was playing on the radio the whole time.
Radio: “takin care of business…everyday! takin care of business…everyway!”
Passenger: Hey Pam I can see your ribcage through your bullet wound and its making me a little uncomfortable.

Oh well…look for the “driver with a gunshot wound” thrill ride to be making its way to carnivals everywhere in 2004. It will be replacing the tilt-a-whirl.

If you don’t read Get Fuzzy this won’t make any sense to you. However, if you don’t read Get Fuzzy then you should. It’s a wonderful comic, one of the best out there right now. If you don’t have a chance to read the comics you should check the archives starting on the 16th to understand what I’m about to go off about. Now, to commence with the going-off:
What the HELL was with that story?!? Bucky was IN the monkey cage. This was the culmination of Bucky’s existance. The monkey’s advancing on Bucky, who is armed with a spork and the comic cuts out. You assume it’s so that the next day you can start with the real funny “Bucky v. the giant monkey” strips. WRONG. You get Rob and Satchel sitting around in the office and a few semi-funny jokes while Bucky is just handed back to them. I kept waiting for him to go back to the monkey cage to finish what he started. I was hoping that Darby Connely, was playing a joke on the readers by building up to an awesome story and then only pretending to snatch it away from us. Now I know that he is indeed only a cruel, cruel shell of a man who lives to hurt others for his own amusement.

Have you seen the latest subway commercial? My memory is a bit fuzzy because I usually turn my head and look away when a formerly big fat fuck comes on the screen and tries to sell me sandwiches with too much fucking bread. Subway diet? Yeah…I’ll believe that one when that tubby bitch goes shirtless and reveals a lack of lipo scars. Then I’ll vomit all over my living room.

Actually, the latest commercial features a pair of formerly fat fucks. They appear to be at a BBQ of some sort preaching about their combined weight loss on the Subway diet and lo and behold…they’re black…er I mean they’re “URBAN.”

Clearly, this is Subway’s answer to McDonalds’ “Get your Mac on” ads which feature inner city youths pounding tasty Big Macs like they were Mountain Dew or sweet poverty inducing crack. (You thought you were getting out of that last paragraph without any mention of crack!? Ah…you’re quite silly if you thought that.)

Marketing Subway to fatass poor people is bound to have its problems. First off, Subway isn’t free. Hell, its not even cheap. Its even LESS cheap when you’re buying it for yourself AND your 5 kids. Its most definitely more expensive than the $0 it costs for 5 pounds of chicken (legs) and a box of HOHO’s on food stamps. Second of all, when a poor motherfucker hears “Subway diet” he assumes it has something to do with standing on an actual subway platform begging for change until he has enough to buy cigarettes and booze. Finally, all the Subway in the world isn’t gonna help you lose that fat ass if you present it with a plate of rib tips and fries as an encore.

For now Subway, if you’re reading this, lets market the trendy expensive diets to fatass suburban housewives and let the poor people diet the way they always have, by skipping dinner, eating a few hostess cakes and government cheese and running away from the occassional bullet or police car.