BAMF

Wait a minute… Mexico has computers?

Mexico’s attorney general said on Monday he had had a microchip inserted under the skin of one of his arms to give him access to a new crime database and also enable him to be traced if he is ever abducted.

Attorney General Rafael Macedo said a number of his staff had also been fitted with chips that will give them exclusive and secure access to a national, computerized database for crime investigators that went live on Monday.

“It’s an area of high security, it’s necessary that we have access to this, through a chip, which what’s more is unremovable,” Macedo told reporters.

Now that we’ve got the obligatory “Jay Leno” joke out of the way, I’d like to point out this fellow’s usage of the word “unremovable.” Other than his poor sentence structure, this is quite a lie. See, now that he’s told kidnappers (or at least, kidnappers who can read) that the chip is in his arms, you pretty much have to lop his arms off. I mean, they were probably going to chop off his little finger as a message anyway, this just ups the ante a little bit.

Games games games. They do so make me happy. And I’m quite pleased with the latest GTA: San Andreas screenshots, especially since they show the Eazy-E looking motherfucker in the back seat. And now that they’re touting the game to be about 150 hours to full completion, it’s beginning to sound a lot like a happy birthday for me this October.

I have been wondering about one thing though. With the current gangsta theme of the game (a slight departure from the Goodfellas theme of the previous two) I ponder how a bunch of crackers like the Rockstar team can churn out a game like this without stirring up ten times the hornets nest that GTA:VC did. We had Italians coming out in droves in protest over that game, but who the fuck ever cared if Italians were discriminated against? I would imagine that Rockstar had to hire on some “urban consultants” to help in the pimpification of this game. Has there been any word on the soundtrack for this game yet? If they took a note from the success of Vice City and did a full on 90’s gangsta rap compilation, I think it’d sell many more copies than… I dunno, whatever the fuck rap music sounds like these days.

So I guess it’s official, Martha Stewart is going to serve five months in prison for her part in the ImClone debacle. Now the question on everyone’s mind is whether or not she’ll parlay this into a book describing her experiences in the pokey, as well as a cell-decorating guide.

Martha Stewart was sentenced to five months in prison and fined $30,000 Friday for lying to investigators about her sale of ImClone Systems stock in late 2001.

Federal Judge Miriam Cedarbaum also ordered Stewart to five months of home confinement and two years of supervised probation after she is released. It was the minimum sentence the judge could impose under federal sentencing guidelines.

“I’ll be back,” Stewart declared.

She also appealed to people to subscribe to her magazine and buy her products.

While I empathize with the fact that she’s been made an example of, this is pretty much just a slap on the wrist. She was looking at 3 years, and got five months. The judge took it easy on her because of her public disgrace, and the damage that has been done to her business. But considering that this is Martha Stewart, I highly doubt that she’ll stay down for long. She’ll probably come out of her five months all ripped from pumping iron, and beat her competition with her fists of decadent fury.

Then comes her next book: Martha Stewart’s Home Confinement Living.

So Tink took that last post to heart and sent me a voice mail from Hilary. I hung up on it. I told him that sending me a voice mail message from Hilary Duff means that he is no longer a heterosexual. He’s now watching David Hasselhoff videos to help him on his journey away from liking the opposite sex.

Alright, the Star Trek Droolfest is something that Jen sent to me and I felt funny enough to pass along to you. I’m trying to think of more things to link here, and I’m at a loss. I thought about that Ninj0r page because of the discussion about the Deadly Ninja Throwing Heart, but I think I’m sick of doing html now so this is it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how refreshing it is letting Hilary Duff handle all of my prank calling needs. It’s really sapped the boredom right out of my Thursday.

OMG. Must. Have. This.

A product that promises to get people drunk 10 times faster without the punishment of a hangover or calories has been banned by the NSW government.

Promoted as the “ultimate party toy”, alcoholic vapour has been a huge hit in London. Once inhaled, the alcohol goes straight into the bloodstream and delivers a “hit”.

“These kind of fad products pose serious threats to the community,” Mr McBride said in a statement.

“Inhalation or snorting of alcohol is basically synonymous with drug use and that kind of practice should not be encouraged.”

FAD? … FAD?!? I’d use this thing more often than my toaster, blender, and shower put together! This stupid bastard has no idea what he’s talking about. If I could breathe liquor, I’d be like Aquaman, only far less gay. And really stinking drunk. And I wouldn’t be able to talk to fish I guess, but I’d probably think that I could, that counts for something, right?

Somebody get me the company’s phone number and a price tag. Poppa’s going shopping.

It’s sad to have to admit this on hump day. But apparently stupidity, like your mother’s herpes, will be with us forever. And today (or yesterday, to be more accurate) it manifested itself inside an outhouse. Walk with me.

A man is recovering from burns after lighting a cigarette in a portable outhouse in Monongalia County, West Virginia, causing the outhouse to explode.

The incident occurred Tuesday morning in Blacksville, West Virginia.

The man’s name and condition aren’t being released, but emergency officials say he wasn’t severely hurt and even drove himself to a clinic.

OK. It’s obvious we’re going to have to do something about our educational system, because if the tide of stupidity is left undeterred, it will wash our nation with its sticky, venomous spittle. I would not be surprised in the least if this moron decided to sue the makers of the outhouse for not providing proper ventilation. Or a no-smoking sign.

I like that they include the bit about how the methane “didn’t take too kindly” to the cigarette. *gasps* NO. This is one situation where putting two and two together is simple enough for a toddler. You don’t leave a ham sandwich (or a baby sandwich for that matter) on Harry Knowles’ desk, leave for five minutes, and then scratch your head when you find it missing.

[ They Might Be Giants + Homestarrunner = Goodness ]

The band hasn’t updated their website in awhile, which is sad since I’d love to see what they do with the next version.

Remember Britney’s little adventure in marriage earlier this year? Of course you do. Well, even if the details of this article are untrue, its still a really fucking fun read.

“We were both hot so I led her into the bathroom. There was a huge shower head that sent water down on to us as though it was rain. We stripped off competely and got into the shower and Britney performed oral sex on me as the water ran down over both of us.

“The sex was mind-blowing and rough. We did it in every position you could think of. It was so wild we managed to fall off the bed together.”

She’s a beast, I knew it! You’re the man now, dog. At least, a stupid man.

“Her brother rang and I spoke to him. He talked about annulment. I didn’t know what the word meant so I didn’t say anything.

“It was unreal, I wanted the best for her, I wanted to be married to her, but it was as though they were just taking everything over. I was on my own. Britney didn’t say anything.

This guy is an idiot, for numerous reasons. First of all, he got to bang the living crap out of Britney Spears for days. He is one of a handful of fellas who’s seen her mouthify his wang. And now he’s bitching about how he didn’t get more out of the deal. That’s ridiculous. You were in Vegas, numbnuts! You hit a fucking jackpot and you complain that you weren’t allowed to let it ride? Yes, I agree, the compulsion to get more out of the situation is tempting, to say the least. But look at it this way: you got to do what every fanboy on the planet wants to do, and then some. You got to stay in Vegas on Britney’s nickel, whilst she was keeping your junk warm. And finally, you get to do all of this, media hooplah and all, and you don’t have to stay married to her. Yes, I realize you could have been banging her for the rest of your life, and you loved her and bla bla bla bla bla. Shut the fuck up.

You know why he’s golden here? He gets spillover bitches. Girls who recognize him as Britney’s ex-husband, and give it up to him just to get that much closer to the whole glitz and glamour lifestyle. He could have milked that for years, but instead he decides to go and get married again. Stupid bastard and his southern family values (which don’t stop him from discussing her sexual glory, even out of respect for his new fiancee, who must be thrilled). I wonder if Christina’s fellas are this fucking stupid?