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For Once, It’s Not FaaQ Posting

by Sharkey on June 15, 2008 @ 12:00 am

Conversation with a 23-year-old (very) rural Kansas native:

[ Sharkey ]	"So I'm going to Worlds of Fun place tomorrow, you ever been there?"
[ Aaron ]	"Aw shit man, fuck that Worlds of Fun. Hate that fuckin' place man."
[ Sharkey ]	"....uh... OK. Strong reaction to a theme park, but I'm sure you have your reasons."
[ Aaron ]	"Well, I guess I should say fuck Oceans of Fun. Worlds of Fun's ar'right."
[ Sharkey ]	"OK, I'm with you, what's your deal with Oceans of Fun?"
[ Aaron ]	"Fuckin' bitch broke mah heart that fuckin' whore, she works there dude."
[ Sharkey ]	"Ah."
[ Aaron ]	"Actually....I take it back. She ain't a bitch, she's just 16, man."
[ Sharkey ]	*sigh* "Oookay... you uh... slept with the 16-year-old, didn't you?"
[ Aaron ]	"Heh, yeah. But it ain't so bad as yah think, she was 16. I mean, she turns 17 in a month."
[ Sharkey ]	".......your honor."

Please note that the pause at the end was due to a mild stroke from my highly pickled brain attempting to process his final sentence. Also, someone needs to make me a “She ain’t a bitch, she’s just 16, man.” t-shirts with a little broken hearted mullet wearing trucker swilling a beer while pondering his life in a lawn chair. I can’t slight him much for it though, after all these years of friendship with Billy Ray I was just glad to hear him pronounce everything (non-slang related) correctly.

My sabbatical in the South (though the fucking yokels keep trying to tell me it’s not the South) has been remarkably pleasurable. Aaron, despite his undoubtedly pending legal woes, was just one of the fascinating and pleasant individuals I’ve met in my few weeks here. It’s like they traded a lot of good looking people for all-around affable folks, which is excellently refreshing after so many years of living in and around the Orange County area. But then again, with everyone being less of a douchebag I actually consider going out to bars, only to find myself drowning in a sea of homely prospects. So you take the good with the bad.

A future in porn

3 Comments

by FaaQ on June 11, 2008 @ 6:13 am

Probably. He can nail one while another rides his back.

Sales of Depends to increase prior to Democratic National Convention

2 Comments

by FaaQ on June 10, 2008 @ 2:03 pm

God I hope they use this.

Political activists planning protest rallies at the upcoming Democratic Convention in Denver have their stomachs in knots over a rumor about a crowd control weapon – known as the â€œcrap cannonâ€ – that might be unleashed against them.

Also called â€œBrown Note,â€ it is believed to be an infrasound frequency that debilitates a person by making them defecate involuntarily.

Mark Cohen, co-founder of Re-create 68, an alliance of local activists working for the protection of first amendment rights, said he believes this could be deployed at the convention in August to subdue crowds.

â€œWe know this weapon and weapons like it have been used at other large protests before,â€ he said.

Honestly, I’ve never heard of such a device, but I couldn’t think of a better group of people to try it out on if it did exist. I don’t know what the big problem would be anyway, we all know hippies don’t bathe.

Zombie caterpillars controlled by voodoo wasps

2 Comments

by FaaQ on June 5, 2008 @ 12:07 pm

Now that’s a headline you don’t see every day.

Having partially developed inside caterpillars, the larvae of the wasps manipulate their hosts into watching over them as a mother or bodyguard might.

A team that has done extensive field studies with infected caterpillars say they have the first conclusive proof that the manipulative behaviour of some parasitoids increases their chance of survival.

The parasitoid wasp Glyptapanteles lays its eggs, about 80 at a time, in young geometrid caterpillars. The eggs hatch and the larvae feed on the caterpillar’s body fluids. When they are fully developed, they eat through the caterpillar’s skin, attach themselves to a nearby branch or leaf and wrap themselves up in a cocoon.

There’s even video.

The new M. Night Shamalongadindong film

by FaaQ on June 3, 2008 @ 12:48 pm

Someone seems to have figured it out already.

Prepare for the suck.

Gouranga!!!

3 Comments

by FaaQ on @ 9:00 am

Like whoa!

MONTERREY, Mexico – A car plowed into a bike race along a highway near the U.S.-Mexico border, killing one and injuring 10 others.

The 28-year-old driver was apparently drunk and fell asleep when he crashed into the race Sunday, police investigator Jose Alfredo Rodriguez said Monday.

A race which appears to have started during daylight hours, and this assclowns already drunk and driving around. Now I know that driving while drunk is a Mexican national hobby, but this guy appears to have been American so we can’t blame it on that.

Get it while its hot!

6 Comments

by FaaQ on May 29, 2008 @ 9:06 am

Because since I don’t have 9 feet of free space available for my wall, I will have to settle on a much smaller limited edition print of He-Mans Battle Cat. Honestly, I think it would look cooler with his armor.

Â $225 is a tad bit steep for this. They should just make t-shirts instead. For you GI Joe fans, there is a limited edition Serpentor for sale as well (honestly, we all know that this is when GI Joe jumped the shark).

Other sweet ass discoveries today. Bacon Salt. I’m so on this.

This isn’t good, monkey robot mind control.

2 Comments

by FaaQ on @ 8:33 am

Monkeys controlling Robots. You know Sharks with laser eyes are just around the corner.

Using only its brainpower, a monkey can direct a robotic arm to pluck a marshmallow from a skewer and stuff it into its mouth, researchers said on Wednesday. “They are using a motorized prosthetic arm to reach out, grab and bring the food back to their face,” said Andrew Schwartz of the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, whose study will appear in an upcoming issue of the journal Nature.

â€¦The monkey guides the robot arm the same way it does its natural limbs, through brain signals.

Schwartz’ team picks up those signals through an array of microelectrodes half the size of a thumbtack that has been implanted in the monkey’s brain. These signals are amplified and relayed to a computer that operates the robotic arm.

Better start work on that gun collection and bomb shelter. Its almost like Planet of the Apes meets Terminator.

Indiana Jones IV Review

6 Comments

by Sharkey on May 22, 2008 @ 10:05 pm

It’s the best Star Wars prequel yet.

You know that you will get one too

1 Comment

by FaaQ on May 16, 2008 @ 2:07 pm

Small animals and children will taste my pain, all for a cool $40 bones.