BAMF

Just got done seeing Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and I gotta say that Sienna Guillory was quite the pants-tightening little portrait of Jill Valentine. Between her and Milla Jovovich’s boobies, I was able to successfully ignore most of the crap in that movie. Hooray!

I’ll have a review of RE: Apocalypse tomorrow. For now, I go to sleep to dream of an RE-themed threesome featuring Milla, Sienna, and myself. Although knowing my fucked up dreams, it’ll probably feature Nemesis in the background with a video camera muttering “STARRRRRRRSSSS” over and over again.

… HOT!

You all should know by now (if you read what I have to say, rather than skimming for titty pictures, that is) that I find the idea of the Nintendo DS touch screen to be absolutely retarded. Especially since I am a whore, and will buy the fucking thing the day it comes out. I’ve had a few people question my stance on this, and I have to admit that I still have a nostalgic Nintendo hard-on, so it is hard to hate anything that the bastards put out. But with the touch screen nonsense, they make it so goddamned easy. For example, here’s a snippet regarding the latest announced title for the DS, straight from Magic Box:

Here are some new images of Spike’s first Nintendo DS title Tendo Dokuta, an adventure game in which you play as a doctor named Tendo Dokuta, uses the touch screen to perform surgeries and examine the patients.

Yeah, great. That game sounds fun. Just like the idea of having my balls slowly crushed with a pair of vice grips.

I swear, if they fuck up the DS port of Goldeneye by making you have to use the pen to shoot or some ridiculous crap like that, I’m going to find someone, pry their mouth open, vomit into it, and shove them down a flight of stairs. I don’t care who, or if they had anything to do with it, they’re just going to be pretty fucking unlucky that day. So just a fair warning, it might be a good idea to avoid me until it comes out.

Alright, either her people are trying to drum up publicity, or Catherine Zeta-Jones is having a really fucking crazy week.

A London tabloid reported Sunday that gunmen tried to force the star’s limo off the road and abduct her in Mexico, where she is currently shooting a film. Meanwhile, Mexican authorities deny any knowledge of an abduction attempt against Zeta-Jones.

The rumored kidnap attempt comes on the heels of a detective’s testimony that phone bills show that the person accused of stalking Zeta-Jones, Dawnette Knight, made threatening calls in mid-May to a hotel where the actress was staying. A judge will hold a preliminary hearing to determine whether there is enough evidence for Knight, who was arrested on June 3, to stand trial.

You see? Try to do some good in this world by spreading news of affordable cellular rate plans and more night/weekend minutes, and this is what you get. I feel disgusted with mankind right now. Downright disgusted. This woman is not someone to be objectified in order to accomplish your own selfish goals. She…

… wait. What? What was I saying?

Hooray for comeuppance! Ever since Wild Things (where she made out with the delicious Denise Richards) we’ve all been waiting for Neve Campbell to get naked. Finally, after… way too long, she has done so, in the new film When Will I Be Loved. Hopefully there are some of us (besides me) that still care to see this sweet peach show the goods. If not, I guess this brand new gallery of Neve will be a complete waste of my time.

You know, usually lesbian scenes in movies come after the actress has done a few nude scenes, but this little Canuck minx does things a little bit differently. Good for her. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to ogle her goodies and whatnot, but you know, she does it for her art. That and a paycheck, but at least partially for the art. And tomorrow, I’m walking across the street to the indie film theater, and staring at her art until I pass out from excitement. Happy Tuesday.

Check out my new coffee mug:

I’m happy with it. You can get one over at Cafepress.

Yeah, just what we need. More miserable crap.

True, it’s not an indication that there will be a 7,8,9 trilogy, but I don’t even like thinking about shit like that. Unless Lucas is dead, and his ashes have been scattered somewhere so far away that there’s no possibility of even a particle of his corpse being breathed in by the future writers/directors.

The TV series, on the other hand, could be good. It all depends on who’s in charge. I figure as long as Lucas is busy bathing himself in benjamins somewhere away from the set, its fine and dandy.

Oh, and to those who will post the inevitable comments of “Leave Lucas alone, it’s his baby, he can do what he wants” or “Fuck you, stop complaining you pussy” etc. etc., you can just stop yourselves right now. I am an American. And as an American, I hold it as my right, nay, my patriotic duty to hold people accountable for the idiotic crap that they do. Yes, he may be making shitloads of cash. Yes, he may still be revered by a bunch of awestruck fanboys as a “genius.” But the fact that he could have accomplished these two things without shitting into their mouths and all over his beloved creation makes me question his sanity. I would respect him for doing this (actually, that’s the only thing I respect him for at this point) if he actually revealed that he was contemptuous of us all, and meant to fuck up the series (and get richer in the process) just out of spite. Yes, that would be glorious. But no, I think that he truly believes that he is doing good work, and for that, I must hate him. But he’s not a special case, I hate pretty much everyone outright. You’ve gotta work hard to get off the “hate” list, so don’t think that I’ve elevated him above the others. He’s just secured his position, that’s all.

And on that note, I’m going to take a crap and think of you.

I gotta give special thanks to hi6969 from the forum for bringing news of this glorious, glorious day. It was… inevitable that the horrors of the internet would eventually spill over into real life. I knew that as soon as I took that picture of AYBABTU on that deserted beach in Hawaii last month. I just didn’t think it’d hit this big, or this soon. But I’m glad it did. Enough rambling, on with the show.

Time Magazine, this week:

Now, do a little 90 degree rotation:

God bless us, every one.

Yes, I know, Katie Holmes gets a lot of attention around here, especially considering the second Katie gallery, but Solo just shared some news that officially makes this Katie Holmes day. …in my trousers.

For those of you too lazy to click the link:

American Pie star Chris Klein and Dawson’s Creek beauty Katie Holmes are reportedly reconsidering their engagement. The glamorous couple had a vicious fight last Friday in Los Angeles restaurant Maggiano’s, which ended in Klein telling a tearful Holmes he wanted to leave her.

As soon as this gets confirmed, I will give props to the benevolent Unidor, who is ever vigilant in righting the very very wrong relationships in this universe.