BAMF

Got a bit of gold in my inbox from Baaron, who had to tell me about this poor bastard in Bucharest who sleepily attempted to behead a noisy chicken, and…. well, just read it.

A elderly Romanian man mistook his penis for a chicken’s neck, cut it off and his dog rushed up and ate it, the state Rompres news agency said Monday.

It said 67 year-old Constantin Mocanu, from a village near the southeastern town of Galati, rushed out into his yard in his underwear to kill a noisy chicken keeping him awake at night.

“I confused it with the chicken’s neck,” Mocanu, who was admitted to the emergency hospital in Galati, was quoted as saying. “I cut it … and the dog rushed and ate it.”

While tragic, and disturbing on that level where you cringe and grab protectively at your business, I can’t feel too bad for this guy. I just got done discussing the wang with Chief_Bootknocker from the forums…. wait, that sounded bad. Let me rephrase. We were discussing how the wang, while a man’s best friend, is nothing but a retarded troublemaker. And since it is my most prized possession, light years beyond my adoration for my TiVo, I must be in constant “parent” mode with the idiot manchild that is attached to my nether regions. Therefore, even when I get out of bed, wiping the sleep from my eyes, my first instincts are: “sight, survival, penis.” Not exactly in that order, but you get the point. From the moment I wake to the moment I go to bed, I have to be constantly aware of this thing, which normally would lead into my “The One Ring is Sauron’s metaphorical cock” theory, but we don’t have time for that today.

Point of the matter is: even when I’m shit faced drunk and vomiting on myself in the bushes, I am ever-wary of what happens to my junk. Which means that if I’m going to be grabbing a sharp object, my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY (even above stabbing myself in the eyes, throat, or any prevalent artery) is the protection and security of my best pal, roommate, and hetero life partner. This guy either lost the love for his bid’ness, or he just didn’t read the manual on proper care and feeding of it. Either way, there was no respect involved, and unfortunately he paid the price.

My advice to you, my brothers, is to do something thoughtful for your piece today. Buy it something nice. Take a walk with it. Just remember to respect it, but not it’s opinions. It’s opinions are usually shit.

I suppose I should be waking up, eager for a new day of work and kicking ass, as opposed to going to bed. But then again, sleep is for little girls. Man can survive on coffee and maybe one of those raspberry-filled danishes, right?

…time to get my lil’ girl ass into bed so I can at least get two hours.

Going to see Jimmy Eat World out in the always-pleasant (/sarcasm) Riverside. Hopefully we don’t fucking arrive during their finale like last time.

[ Slave Leia Version 3.0 ] – Wow, nice craftsmanship.

So you might remember my rant from the other day about the idiot at the “shitkicker high school” who wouldn’t give me FTP access to his server. Since then, he has been quite lax in responding to any requests for information or assistance, so I was basically ready to say “fuck it” and let him rot.

Today the asshole had the fucking nerve to say that he doesn’t understand why this is so difficult, and that if I don’t have the skills to fix the problem, then they should just roll back to another version of their site until we can get their shit together. …MOTHER. FUCKER. He has absolutely no idea what he’s doing, he’s asking me for a fucking favor, and he has the goddamned gall to insult me? This is the same asshole who thought I could get the ASP code just by browsing to a fucking website, so you can see why I would take his opinion on technical issues with the same amount of respect as the word of a brick wall. A retarded, mute brick wall.

So of course, I responded with a little bit of anger and frustration. I told the prick that if he wanted to give me access to the server, or perhaps SEND me one of these “working” ASP mail forms, I could do something to help. Otherwise, we have reached an impasse. I didn’t go off on the bastard like I wanted to, because he’s not my client. Unfortunately when I told the people who asked me this favor, they said that I should have just reamed the motherfucker and told him to shove the website up his ass. Considering his technical know-how, he might have thought that such a thing was possible.

You know, I was certian that we had a Thandie Newton gallery at SOTD, but I just couldn’t find it. That’s when I remembered that she was one of the original 50-odd slices from four years ago, when I first put up sliceoftheday. Sad that we lost some of that stuff, but we can always make up for lost time. So by request of auralmirage, here she is.

I tried finding more pics of Thandie, but she seems to be camera shy. If you’ve got access to any good shots of her (that are not from premieres or shit like that, those are copyrighted) then by all means, send them to me.

Suggest a slice. First person to do so, I will try my best to grant your wish.

So today I finally gave in to a bit of nagging, and went to go see an old friend. She and I have known each other since junior high, which makes her one of the oldest friends I’ve got. I’ve tried to keep our contact to a minimum recently, since things got a tad “out of hand” in regards to our relationship a few years ago. During those years she went and got herself pregnant by some guy who has, of course, ditched out on her. Seems like a common case these days.

For an afternoon I got a taste of what life with a newborn is like. I say a taste, because I know she has to put up with a lot more than I did in a few hour timespan. We chatted, we reminisced, all the usual bullshit. All the while I had the pleasure of helping take care of this two-month old baby. And as I sat there at dinner, looking at this squirming, smiling little infant, I was reminded of that moment in Grosse Pointe Blank, when John Cusack is staring at the baby, you know? That moment where he looked past himself and saw meaning to life. Then I thought just how easily I could have had this kid. I thought about how easily life could have changed three years ago. I thought about how badly my most recent ex wanted marriage and children, with me, and how I rejected that. As I stared into the eyes of this little baby, all of these things roamed through my head. And as I placed the baby into its little travel seat, I smiled and wiped a remnant of drool off of her little face, then looked up to the sky and thought:

“THANK YOU GOD! OH MERCIFUL HEAVENS, THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU FOR NOT LETTING ME FLUSH MY LIFE STRAIGHT DOWN THE TOILET BY SPREADING MY SEED AROUND LIKE A MORON! THANK YOU FOR SPARING ME FROM A LIFE OF SCRAPING AROUND CATERING TO A LITTLE BAG OF FLESH THAT ONLY SEEMS TO BE BUILT FOR CRAPPING AND CRYING! MIGHT I SAY IT ONE MORE TIME, GLORIOUS CREATOR, THANK YOU!”

…what? You thought I was having a Cusack moment? Please baby, I’m a dick! A very-relieved-not-to-be-a-father dick!

*thinks for a minute*

…

*knocks on wood*

Yep. Since the Paris Hilton gravy train has slowed down, you’d imagine it’s time for another sex tape.

Here it comes, bitches! (blatently stolen from the forum)

This time, London’s News of the World claims to have obtained a tape showing the high-stepping Hiltie getting naughty with ex-boyfriends Nick Carter and Jason Shaw. Hilton is said to be shown “writhing in the back of a car as she is groped intimately” by former Backstreet Boy Carter. In another scene, Paris answers the the door buck naked — wearing only a “pore strip” across her nose — for Tommy Hilfiger model Shaw, tattles the tab.

Elsewhere in the video, Hilton reportedly puffs on a joint, chirping, “Paris Hilton, part two: How to roll a joint!”

Amazing. I can’t wait until she has a kid old enough to surf the future Internet and find old websites talking about mommy getting stuffed in one of grandpa’s sleazier hotels. Or about how she got fondled in the back of a car by the openly gay Senator, Nick Carter.

Then, God willing, this kid will grow up and follow in her mother’s footsteps. And I will still be there to link to it on Sliceoftheday. My vision of the future kicks ass, especially because the government has come up with a newer, more powerful version of cheese that will create Irish nachos so delicious that foreign wars will now be averted with their dairy-borne goodness.