BAMF

*raises eyebrow*

A Washington state school district is canceling its annual Halloween celebration, and the explanation has some parents baffled.

The district said Halloween celebrations and children dressed in Halloween costumes might be offensive to real witches.

“Witches with pointy noses and things like that are not respective symbols of the Wiccan religion and so we want to be respectful of that,” Hansen said.

In the words of my friend Jesse: “Fuck Wiccans.”

I don’t think there’s much more that can be said.

You know, as I’ve grown up in the shadow of the Magic Kingdom, I have an incredible amount of affection for the place. I will always love Disneyland, and I will always love the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. But paying $40 grand for a tombstone in the ride with my name on it? Shit, even if I could afford it, that would sound ridiculous. That’s a down payment on a Viper, honkey.

The winning bidder of this historic auction will become an “honorary” ghostly resident of the Haunted Mansion in New Orleans Square at Disneyland park. Their own personalized “tombstone” will find eternal rest in the final graveyard scene of the beloved attraction, marking the public’s first-ever opportunity to be immortalized in a Disney theme park attraction. As “die-hard” fans of the landmark Disneyland attraction know, the Haunted Mansion is home to “999 happy haunts … but there’s always room for one more!”

The unique gravestone marker will bear the winner’s first name and a humorous epitaph (inspired by the winner’s interests or hobbies) written and personalized by the team at Walt Disney Imagineering, Disney’s creative design organization responsible for the creation of the attraction.

Have you ever met someone who worked at the Haunted Mansion? I would imagine that for $500 you could easily get one of them to let you bring in your own homemade tombstone, that you could shove in the back row. Plus, they’d probably turn the cameras off so you could get laid on the ride without worrying about some jackass scolding you over the loudspeaker.

Same as the jackasses on Pirates. Can’t they see I’m busy? Damn.

This is a sad fucking story, especially when it involves a fella that I voted for. Seems that Arnold Schwarzenegger was denied the sexin’s from his wife, Maria Shriver, after he publicly backed George W. Bush at the RNC in August. I’m surprised with her familial ties, that she didn’t drink herself into a stupor and drive into a ditch. That’d show that Austrian cocksucker!

Note that I picked on Teddy, as opposed to John, Bobby, or the other John. Jesus, how many easy (or grotesquely morbid) jokes can one family have?

“Well, there was no sex for 14 days,” Schwarzenegger told former White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta in an on-stage conversation in front of 1,000 people. “Everything comes with side effects.”

The crowd roared with laughter, but the governor may have been serious: he has said little in public to back fellow Republican Bush since then. Panetta, a Democrat, had asked him how Shriver, whose uncle was U.S. President John F. Kennedy, had reacted to his praised but partisan prime-time convention speech.

“I don’t know why I watched the presidential debates,” he said. “If I want to watch a smart liberal Democrat and a Republican leader argue, all we have to do is go out to dinner. They were lucky. They only had to do it three times.”

You know, a lot of people will cast doubt on the governor accurately remembering the exact amount of days that his wife withheld sexual satisfaction, but I can stomp those out in a heartbeat. If you’ve kept up on your required reading, you would already know why “entangled” men can reproduce such numbers with astounding precision. When constantly bombarded by a source of estrogen-based bullshit, a man’s head will collect a certain amount of this logic-nullifying agent of evil. And the only release for the poor bastard, is through some sort of sexual satisfaction. The endorphines released during sex act as an estrogen arsenic, destroying it before any real damage can be done.

Here, we will take a look at the control subject Arnold, during a period of both normal sexual activity, and normal female hormone-borne idiocy:

Peachy. Everything is flowing just fine through our man here. Now let’s leave the bullshit meter up top, and take sex out of the equation:

Catastrophic results, as you can see. If your eyes were bugging out of your skull, and you wanted to peel your own face off with a rusty Gilette Mach 3 Turbo, you’d count the days until sweet release as well. Especially with what is undoubtedly one incredibly screeching source of female yammering such as Maria.

Normally, I would take this opportunity to salute you and your fortitude Arnie, you poor emigrated son of a bitch. Except for that these rules do not apply to you, as I’m certain that if Maria doesn’t put out, you’re slippin’ the T-101 to an intern or twelve. So don’t bother looking for empathy from your fellow men, because we hate you. Hate and envy the living shit out of you.

I scanned IMDB to see what flicks were coming out this weekend (not that I have the free fucking minute to see one, but I digress) and came up pretty empty handed. The only available option is this flick called The Grudge, which is apparently a remake of a Japanese horror flick (a la The Ring). It stars the still-hot Sarah Michelle Gellar in the main role, and even a little Bill Pullman (not Paxton, dammit) action on the side. I hear it’s pretty scary, but I never turn down an excuse to look at Sarah. Especially since it will no doubt bring a shitload of you out of the woodwork to claim “Ew this bitch is ugly” or “This bitch has a fucked up nose” or any other “this bitches” that you little bastards can come up with.

All right. Cue the nose/ugliness complaints….

….

NOW!

[ Superman Cast, Singer Gets His Unknown Actor ] – it’s some dude from “Will & Grace” I guess. We’ll have to wait and see if he’s a decent actor or not, since I won’t sift through episodes of that show just for an example.

Yeah, I know I’m late on everything today. I was busy, so fuck off.

*Ahem*

IMDB – Oscar-winner Angelina Jolie believes the man who understands her sadomasochistic needs and ties her up will be “the one”. The Tomb Raider star tried to engender trust in her marriages to actors Jonny Lee Miller and Billy Bob Thornton by introducing violence into their sex lives, and she wants to push the boundaries even further with her next lover. Jolie explains, “A lot of my relationships just weren’t honest enough. So I took them down different paths toward violence or wildness… to try to find somebody to hold me down and make me feel. S&M sex can be misinterpreted as violence. It’s really about trust. I like to push boundaries, both emotional and sexual, with another person. That’s when I’ve felt the sexiest. I’ve been in both submissive and dominant roles because I want more. I’ve never been tied up. I have a feeling the person that does it will be the one. I think that’s what I’d like.”

Yeah. And without further ado, your slice of the day is Angelina Jolie. Bra-fucking-vo, you little minx.

So Angelina… I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I like to hit women during sex.

… and not during sex.

In the past, when I worked for other companies, our human resources departments always seemed pretty fucking worthless. A sad little byproduct of a litigation-obsessed society. Now, apparently, some HR “organization” in Belgium is attempting to justify its existence by releasing the following mind-blowing report, which blows the lid off of sexual-incentive tactics in the workplace. Their findings: men are more willing to sleep their way to the top.

According to the Vacature poll — based on 12,078 Belgians interviewed — 12 percent of all men would be willing to sleep with their boss to try to advance their career, compared to only 1 percent of women.

What a waste of fucking time. They didn’t need a survey, nor did they need to publish thier findings. In fact, without money, time, or effort, I can completely broaden the context of this research. Watch, HR masters, and learn:

“Men More Willing to Sleep with Their Boss? Anything that Fucking Moves.”

There. Fixed. Now fire yourselves, you wasteful sons of whores.

[ Squid Revenge ] – Surprise, nigga!

Guh… guh… muh….

From: Baaron
To: Sharkey

My neighbor was over for dinner last night and showed me her website for the first time….impressive to say the least. She is a model and works at the “mansion” a lot. Even though I am a big Mo they are still pretty hot pics. I thought you would enjoy. Go to “model” section.

www.ohmiki.com

Crap in my cornflakes, that chick is friggin’ hot. And Baaron… you had this vixen in your house? I hope you showed this site to your brother, but give him fair warning, at his age you gotta start worrying about heart attacks when you see quality like this.

I sincerely hope she stayed for dessert, chief. Next time you talk to her, ask if she wouldn’t mind being a slice of the day. And by her, I mean her and her lawyers. One cease and desist (thanks Disney) per week is plenty for me.