So the site is back, I guess. This ancient PERL business has got to go. The new BAMF homegrown system should be in gear soon, since I started rushing my ass off to finish it just so you poor bastards could have tits n’ funny.
I’m Going To Start Up Ass-To-Mouth Donkey Feeding Services
by Sharkey on October 26, 2004 @ 11:43 am
[ Nose-To-Tail Petsitting Services ] – I randomly passed this guy in his truck today, and based on his seemingly unwitting innuendo of a business name, I had to check out his website. And I’m glad I did.
Just from a designer’s standpoint, I can deduce the following things at first glance:
- His home system has 800×600 resolution, and he runs IE. Or perhaps AOL.
- He designed this himself, or his woman did. That’s why the font is comic-sans and the whole thing looks like ass in Mozilla.
- His business name still makes me chuckle, not to mention the logo.
Now, as it stands, he’s had 392 visitors to his website. Hopefully, I will change that. Now, I’m not trying to be a dick and flood him with shitheads, that would be mean. No no, my friends, I’m doing a public service to the Internet with this gesture. You see, I’m calling out on anyone in the Irvine/South OC area to hire this guy. Make him and his lady some extra cash. They seem like good people. That way, maybe the guy can afford to pay a college student 50 bucks for a layout that has line breaks, or proper usage of table columns/cells.
See, I’m helping local businesses prosper, in an attempt to clean up the internet. I’m like a humanitarian and a gigantic asshole all rolled into one. Now go visit the guy’s site, dickhead.
Slice Of The Day: Nicole Kidman
by Sharkey on @ 10:31 am
You know, it’s sad that slices have to get older. Nicole Kidman has always been one of my favorites, and I find it really unsettling that one day she’ll be looking like a slighly more elegant Bea Arthur.
Oh well, we can always watch Eyes Wide Shut and remember what the funbags looked like when they didn’t touch her knees, right?
Nicole is going to be in this “controversial” flick called Birth, which has some sort of naked scene between her and a little kid. But you’ve gotta realize that she was married to Tom Cruise, who has the stature of a ten-year-old boy. For her, this is old hat.
Live tv can provide so much fun
by Jester on October 25, 2004 @ 10:42 am
So, Ashlee Simpson‘s debacle on SNL this weekend seems to be the big talk of the day ’round these parts of the Internet.
And, being as how I am your musical maestro ’round here at the MoFo, I figured I’d hook you all up with some clips of the incident, as well as young Miss Simpson’s excuse at the close of the broadcast.
It’s pretty goddamn funny, being as how her band just keeps playing after she walks offstage. They’re pretty damn good, which makes her lameass excuse following the whole thing pretty sad indeed.. Evidently, according to Ashlee, her band “started playing the wrong song”, so she figured she’d do a little hoedown. Right… so, that’s the reason your voice started coming out of nowhere, when the mic was nowhere near your mouth? Nice evasion, girl.
Slice Of The Day: Brooke Burke
by Sharkey on @ 5:01 am
Lord almighty, there’s nothing like capping off a drunkened (and sleep-deprived) birthday weekend than with some 5AM web fixes. Except, perhaps, for posting some pie prior to going back to sleep. So here’s a little taste of Brooke Burke.
Brooke here is in the current issue of Playboy, wearing a stunning lack of clothing. Good for her. Better for us.
Sleep now.
Slice Of The Day: Katie Holmes
by Sharkey on October 22, 2004 @ 3:09 pm
Considering it’s my birthday tomorrow, I’m only interested in posting slices that interest me. So I’m going to strap on the little party hat, grab my fork, and dive into a slice of my wife Katie Holmes. Oh, and what’s this? Even more Katie Holmes.
Hey, if you’re looking for an excuse to send in slices, now is the time. My birthday is tomorrow, and in the immortal words of Dave Chappelle: “Come onnnnnn titty!”
Your Yarmulke Is Misaligned, Take Two Drinks
by Sharkey on @ 2:40 pm
Bolt found this game yesterday, and we are going to turn it into the greatest drinking game ever conceived:
Amazing. A board game that teaches little Jewish children the proper way to keep their lives kosher. Never before have I seen a game so destined for boozery. Bolt, Killbot and I are going to grab a few bottles of Manishevitz and some pork chops for me, and hammer out the rules for this bad boy. If anybody is looking for a last-minute birthday gift idea for me, this is it. This is the be-all-end-all. Especially if it comes with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I was trying to come up an even better game idea, perhaps something with a Kwanzaa-theme. But the idea of a board game based on robbing your neighbors’ freshly-opened Christmas gifts just seemed like a downer. Although I am in talks with Parker Bros. regarding a game based on Mexican immigration. I don’t want to spill too much, but there will be bonus points for impregnating blonde high-school girls and running out on child support.
What? If you can’t be racist around your birthday, when can you be racist? …fine. I’ll make up a board game filled with honkey stereotypes. But what could be the theme? Hmmmm….
Happy now?
DVD Review: Punk Rock Holocaust
by Jester on @ 8:00 am
For lack of a better word already existant in the English language, Punk Rock Holocaust is Troma-licious. It is gory, bloody, disgusting, lowbrow, filled with actors that are either over-the-top hammy or beyonf-the-pale wooden, and looks like it was shot by a college film major. In other words, I fucking loved this movie. Troma films, of course, are the standards by which all “bad” movies are judged. And, to be certain, this is a movie, not a “film.” It’s low-budget, campy, and nobody involved is going to win an Oscar. It even has Troma’s preseidnet, director Lloyd Kaufmann. However, Punk Rock Holocaust is the first film I’ve seen that takes the Troma model, and actually knows what to do with it.
Punk Rock Holocaust is about one goal- killing as many Warped Tour bands as possible within its running time, and making every death as gruesome and over-the-top as possible. From groups turning dead kids into burgers to decapitations to ninja sword massacres to choking a fat man with a burrito, it’s all here. The appeal of Punk Rock Holocaust is pretty damn simple, and boils down to three groups: kids who want to see their favorite bands in a movie, kids who want to see their least favorite bands get offed, and people who enjoy seeing lots and lots of blood. That’s what made me enjoy the movie so much.
Yes, the acting (especially by Warped Tour founder Kevin Lyman) was wooden as hell. Sure, the movie’s silly. But there’s a certain kind of enjoyment that can only come from seeing half of Simple Plan stabbed to death with their instruments. as well as seing the bassist for Bowling For Soup choke to death on a burrito. The bands featured cover enough ground to appeal to pretty much anyone who went to the Warped Tour in 2003 (when the movie was filmed), covering the ground from Rancid to Big D & the Kids Table, Suicide Machines, the Phenomenauts, to Andrew WK.
The DVD is packed with extras- movie trailers, a few music videos, a lot of live footage of the bands set to one of their songs, a blooper reel, and three kinds of audio commentary. The video quality is about what you’d expect from a low budget film, but even the night scenes are shot well enough to where you don’t miss anything. There’s even an obvious giddy pleasure running through the entire movie, as if all the people involved were having a great time making it. That energy transfers over to you when you’re watching it, and I sat in front of my tv, gleefully awaiting the each death throughout the ntire movie. I suspect I won’t be the only one.
Springman Records
Punk Rock Holocaust
Can’t stop the rock
by Jester on @ 7:28 am
A writer for the UK’s the Guardian newspaper undertook a daunting task- he listened to every cd released in the month of October.
Go read the story of his slow descent into madness and marvel at the sheer amount of crap that gets released every month. It’s amazing to find out how many truly unnecessary albums are reissued. I can understand London Calling, but is there really a clamor amongst music fans for a Buggles reissue?
The article is similar in tone to one that Joe Queenan did for Movieline, where he watched every single Merchant-Ivory film ever made. I highly recommend reading the Guardian article above, as well as tracking down a copy of Queenan’s book, Confessiona of a Cineplex Heckler.
Slice Of The Day: Kate Winslet
by Sharkey on October 21, 2004 @ 3:28 pm
I guess there’s this new flick coming out called Finding Neverland starring Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet. It’s supposed to be a heartwarming, touchy-feely sort of flick. That + the Depp factor means its probably something to take a woman to. And since statistically speaking, you probably aren’t socially capable of successfully asking one, why not just ogle Kate Winslet instead? My gift. I give out of love.
Kate is another one of those girls that likes to sleep with/marry their directors. She and Milla Jovovich should start a knitting circle or something.
*Update* – I have no idea where the other gallery went, so I popped up another. Enjoy.