BAMF

[ RoboDump ] – definitely worth your click.

Ever since I got caller ID on my phone at home, I’ve had a remarkably fun time ignoring unwanted phone calls. Ex girlfriends, sales people, Tara Reid’s ugly nipple, you name it. But there has been one phone number in the log that stands out among the rest. This single 1-800 number has called me at least 80 times over the last month and a half. I say “at least”, because it doesn’t record their number twice in a row. It waits until another call comes in before entering them into the log again.

So about two weeks ago, I sat playing GTA, and the phone rings. It’s the mystery 800 number of persistence. I run over a few pedestrians and decide that I cannot continue wondering who this ever vigilant phantom caller could be. So I pick up the phone.

Sharkey: “Hello?”
Caller: *long pause* “Hi sir. This is Todd with SBC Phone Service. I was calling you today to offer you a gr…”
Sharkey: *inturrupting* “You have got to be kidding me. You’re the bastards who have been calling me at 9 o’clock at night, 6 o’clock in the morning, hundreds of times over the course of a month?”
Caller: “Uh… I’m not sure sir, but I should tell you that we’re running a special on…”
Sharkey: “OK, OK look. I’ve got a special offer for you. Listening? Here’s the deal: you put me on whatever “do-not-call” list you folks have over there, and I’ll refrain from coming down there and stabbing random SBC employees in the eye with a spork. Sound good?”
Caller: “I’ll go ahead and put you down as ‘Not Interested’ sir.”
Sharkey: “Splendid. Have a nice day.”
*CLICK*

Now you would think “Not Interested” meant “Do Not Fucking Call 5 Times A Day Anymore”, but apparently SBC employees are illiterate, or uncaring bastards. I’m guessing a little mixture of columns A and B. Since that day, I have spoken with SBC reps no less than 8 times, which doesn’t even count the amount of times that I haven’t been at home to answer. And considering the fact that I’m never at home, I would imagine that amount to be rather large.

So after numerous calls where I asked reps to stuff paper in their asses, or calmy mimed the sales pitch along with them from memory, I finally thought that the last woman had heard my pleas. She stated that she would do whatever was in her power to get me off the call list, so that I could once again live a life of peace. She was nice. …for a lying fucking whore.

This morning’s call:

Sharkey: “Hi. This is SBC again, isn’t it?”
Caller: *long pause* “Hello…. um, yes it is. This is Sally and I’m calling to offer you…”
Sharkey: *inturrupting* “Man, am I glad you called. I hadn’t heard from you bastards in a day or two, I was starting to get worried.”
Caller: “… well sir, I should tell you that we’re offering…”
Sharkey: “You know what Sally, I’m on my way out the door right now, so I don’t have time to talk. But why don’t you lie and pretend that you’re going to put me on the ‘Not Interested’ list, and I’ll talk to one of you fuckers in about three hours, OK? Hope the kids are alright, have a nice day.”
*CLICK*

I’m thinking of keeping a log book next to my desk, and I’m going to try keeping demographic information about my new friends. You know, name, age, location, kids, social security numbers. Whatever they’ll tell me. I’m going to see how long it takes before I get a duplicate caller. And on that day I will rattle off the names of thier children and why the federal witness relocation program is such a boon to telemarketers in these exceptional times.

Ol’ Dirty Bastard died. It looks like natural causes. Life is just so much more meaningless now. Kill yourself, quick.

[ Lindsay Lohan Breaks Up With Wilmer Valderrama ] (thanks malfunction from the forum)

I don’t really need to quote the story, as the breakup was inevitable (she’s Lindsay Lohan and his name is Wilmer. Do the math.) and pretty much standard fare. But this tidbit amused me:

Lohan, who also starred in “Freaky Friday,” was hospitalized in Los Angeles in late October for a high fever and headaches. She became ill while filming the movie “Herbie: Fully Loaded.”

Perhaps she realized that she was in another fucking Herbie movie, and vomited up what little was left of the soul she sold to Satan. And by Satan, I mean the Disney Corporation, who I still love no matter how many cease-and-desists they send me.

Oh… good lord.

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!

Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.

I can wager that her management staff (who probably already threw up over the wedding shit) are filling their trousers after this one.

Its awesome watching a girl demolish what’s left of her career over a relationship that most folks are giving a maximum of 18 months to survive. Does anybody know if she got a prenup?

Thanks to werfyman and tdo from the forums, I was able to pop up the new Playboy shots of Denise Richards. Personally, I would have preferred her to do these about 7 years ago, but beggards can’t be choosers.

Likey! And don’t forget about the SOTD Denise Richards gallery. It’s chock full of Denise goodness from a time where she wasn’t getting porked by Charlie “Who Haven’t I Banged” Sheen.

[ Suddenly, Heathrow Gets A Huge Surge In Job Applicants ]

A new X-ray machine at London’s Heathrow airport, which sees through passengers’ clothes, has been attacked by civil liberties campaigners as a “voyeur’s charter.”

The machine uses low-level radiation to see through clothing, producing an anatomically detailed black and white image of the body underneath.

Capable of detecting solid objects concealed under clothing, it started a four month trial in October.

Ahhh… and now the terrorism “scam” comes full circle. It was all just a farce to see up women’s skirts.

I’m buying a Britta filter.

I swear, I should be a marketing spin doctor. These are the kinds of guerilla campaigns that I would spearhead. You damned consumers wouldn’t know what hit you.

Holy crap, I was skeptical about these pills my doctor gave me… but I feel excellent. How are you?