From: Sharkey
To: [email protected]
Subject: Safari SuggestionDear Employees of Apple,
Thus far, your company and I have been at peace. Up until the last few days, you VW-driving peace lovers have been more of a minor nuisance, rather than a problem. As long as your day-to-day operations didn’t bother me, I wouldn’t bother you. In fact, I even applauded you for the Ipod, which I still enjoy to this day. However, I’m afraid that our accord has reached an end. And before my rabid monkey whordes storm your office, wielding nunchucks and yanking out your queer little ponytails, I have decided to explain the situation. Please put down your Starbucks mocha-whatever and listen for a moment.
As you know, your machines are now shipped with the Safari browser as a default. I can understand that with all the proprietary junk you like to throw on those machines (which I value about as highly as the cardboard PCs that they use in model homes) you may as well throw this inferior product on there as well. I found it cute, considering your own install base, coupled with the install base of all KHTML browsers. Unfortunately, your measly 1% market share with this piece of crap that can’t even properly render HTML has cost me hours and hours of precious time today. Because some fucking prestigious university that I have been consulting for needed their goddamned website to function flawlessly in your turd-in-a-box that you call a web browser. Sadly, I had already spent all weekend making this web site function without flaws in nearly every browser on the planet. I was a goddamned master of compatibility. But oddly enough, your pile of shit has to make blinky fucking text for certain javascript elements, and can’t handle fucking standard HTML code the way that the “real” browsers can. Therefore, my client expected cutting-edge graphics and coding capabilities out of your jalopy. I had to spend all fucking day working on browser detection, DHTML versions of certain javascripts, fucking image rotators instead of a beautiful flash piece. All of this, because you insist on having this shit browser on the vanity-mirror that you call a computer.
True, I did get paid for this effort. And paid well. However, if you think that I enjoy pandering to 1% of the market (who are already a walking, talking joke to me), and wasting my valuable brain processes trying to work around your mistakes, you are even more idiotic than your ownership of Apple machines suggests.
Please wait 6-8 weeks for the delivery of monkey whordes. They will be along soon to drive that Jetta right up your fucking asses. Have a nice day.
Love,
Sharkey
*sigh*
I feel better now.
ooh. I bet your ass is sore.I actually had someone want their flash to render in text-only browsers.But I think trying to do anything with safari tops that.
rofl-this comment was posted on a mac, using safari. lol
unleash themI saw 2 guys, in their 30’s, hair dyed black, pony tails, both with black \”apple\” shirts walking around today. The only thing i could think of saying was ..\”huh, i bet their good at warcraft3\”. Unleash the monkeys sir.
hehWell said Sharkey. Too bad you are’nt actually going to send that in. I would love to see the face of some idiot apple receptionist, or better yet some idiot manager react to that. Or are you?………..
AMENI’m not sure what to say, but I feel like a post is needed. You tell’em! That was awesome.
been there…been there.. nuff said.
what’s your flavorIt makes me wonder- what is the preferred browser of the mofo army?
btwI did send it to them
dudeMaking HTML work in Safari is not hard.
Do what I do……tell all my clients I do not cater to the extreme niche market (people are too cheap to pay for that up here anyways), and in addition to \”IE 5.0+ 800×600 recommended\” on all the websites I do I put in small tiny text in the bottom \”Safari is not supported, and not recommended to view this site. Join the majority and install http://www.microsoft.com/ie or http://www.mozilla.com\”.It’s like hippes who drive fucking Toyota Prius’ expecting it to be serviced or repaired anywhere.Make sure you send them a copy of the letter every two weeks, and addressed to a different department.
oh maaaaan, thank youbut you forgot to mention that the reason safari sucks is that they spend too much time eating ben & jerry’s.
Safari Support?Oh c’mon now! Safari support is generally EASY in comparison to Internet Explorer support. One word: Tables.
MONKEYShahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaahahahahahhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa I LOVE IT SO MUCH WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT MONKEYS
lordone, good to see you again, juba. i missed you. second, how do you know what i was trying to do in safari? fucking khtml browsers dont support dhtml and javascript the way everyone else does, nor do they even give you the ability to control the z-index of common elements. I mean if I were making a fucking brochure site for some ******ty health food store down the street, yeah, its not so difficult. But try to get anything even slightly advanced in there, and Safari is waiting right behind goddamned Netscape, waiting to kick you in the balls.
Mac ShmacI love letters like this – It make Captain terror unhappy!
The Cap’nOne day your brother will return from the dark side. Until then, he can enjoy his proprietary junk, and I will enjoy videogames that came out in this decade.
SafariI am no Safari fan at all, I would rather use the big blue e, but I for one like apple computers far more then any pc
Macs are good for one thing:digital audio and digital imaging. And even then, PCs are essentially better (for digital audio at least) because although Logic doesn’t work on the PC platform, VSTs come out faster and far more often than the bullshit AU format who almost always comes with some sort of major mindfuck along with the one of wallet-rape.Hell, even the G4 power books are only about as powerful as a 1Ghz Pentium 3; compare that with an Athlon 64 or the Centrino Dothan 2Ghz processors and it’s a total fucking joke. Not to mention the ease of replacing or tweeking components in a PC rather that having to send a Mac to get serviced for most anything hardware related. Is it just me or are these people completely bass ackwards about almost everything they do?Which brings me to my point: Macs are wonderful paperweights.
UhI thought Safari let you control the specific z-index of anything that is explicitly positioned, as per the CSS spec.This isn’t flame bait, but I guess I’d like more explanation regarding the z-index issue.Also, the javascript engine for Safari is in the middle of a massive overhaul for OS X 10.3. As it is now, it’s still leaps and bounds better than the one in Konqorer, or whatever the piece-of-absolute-shit KDE browser is called. I guess I just want more technical discussion of the problem at hand (within reason, regarding the confidentiality of your clients, obviously) and less flame-fest from the peanut gallery.
juba!juba will be around using the same exact unfunny joke as long as sharkey is around using the same exact unfunny joke. judging by the age of this site, and how long i’ve been coming here, this could take awhile.
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