Real American Hero
Cheers to you airport announcer woman. Without you I wouldn’t know that I have to keep my baggage attended at all times while in Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. And any and all other airports. Without your cheery voice, Sherry Perry and Mr. & Mrs. Bob O’Connor would not get their calls on the white courtesy phone.
You keep our national infrastructure lubed like a well-oiled Shannon Elizabeth.
Airport Personalities:
Haggard Business Man
Typified by rumpled suit, loosened tie, and dress shoes. Carries an attache case. Often seen at airport watering holes hitting on transvestites and lushes. Technique: wears wedding ring, sobs over row of whiskey shots about ‘dead’ wife or ‘cheating’ wife. Pleads for sympathy or revenge sex.
Up and Coming Business Woman
Found wearing pant suits, with jacket over one shoulder. Sleeveless blouse. Fashionably sensible heels. One-hand on wheeled carry-on bag. Seen strutting to and from gates and baggage claims with cocksure, Gloria Steinem feminist confidence. Likely to knee Haggard Business Man in the balls. Carries Mace for the homeless.
The Ride Home
Arrives at least an hour early. Schmucks that they are, they forget to check whether the plane is on-time. Constantly checks arrival screens for updates. Sits as far away from other Rides Home as possible. Steals any seat you might think is open, seconds before you get there. Smells of despair. If not sitting, paces in a circle like a pussy-whipped lion in a cage.
Chickenshit “Inconspicuous” Airport Security Supervisor
Wears sharp, tailored suits. Close-cropped hair. Possibly gelled. Shitty shoes are a must. 5 year old shoes that have been dragged through every season (all 2 of them) and gutter Chicago has to offer. Can’t afford better shoes because all money was spent on the suit. Walks with elbows in like a chick, not elbows out like a cowboy. Uses “sir” and “ma’am” in most offensive way possible, especially to children. Nose is angled up at such a degree as to make French waiters turn a darker shade of green than their frog legs.
Vacation Girls
Travel in groups of at least 3. Dark tan. Tank-top. No bra. Braided hair. They’re 10s so long as they keep their mouth shut except for consensually agreed upon (or not) activities.
Low Income Ride Home
Spends all airport time at Midway. Can’t navigate O’Hare. Constantly asking for directions. Permanently unsure of surroundings, always asking nearest SkyCap for verification. Would feel more comfortable at Ford City Mall.
Guy Looking For Bathroom
Walks quickly. Easily mistaken for Knows Where He’s Going Man. Always ends up choosing the wrong door. Not the exit door for the bathroom. No, the security stand with the flashing lights, large DO NOT ENTER sign, and armed guards that is right next to the bathroom. Invariably sets off the alarm and gets yelled at to back the fuck up lest he receive a Chicago style beat down from the 5-0 and National Guard.
Foreign-looking Traveler
Shifty eyes. Not because they’re guilty of anything, but because they don’t want to share the same fate as Bathroom Man…only with the added prize of Cavity Search Man.
Leaving Over-the-Hill Las Vegas
Everything stays in Vegas. Except for her cheap whore make-up and clothes too-tight and too-skimpy for J.LO, let alone some leathery, malignant melanoma freckled tanning bed jockey.
Custodial Personnel
Wears rubber glove. Carries garbage bag with optional dustpan and broom. Thrilled to clean up all your tourist slob shit.
Gutterloving 12-13 Year Old with Mom
Kids just have to be getting stupider. That’s the only explanation. You little shit, I hope you fall out of the jetway.
Fat People
There are loads of them. They are inescapable. They have the gravity of a neutron star. No wonder there’s so little room on the plane. Also explains the cost of tickets: you’re paying to fly their fat asses and their XXXXXL muumuus.