Friday Primate Storybook Tales Hour

Another Friday, another installment of Friday Primate Storybook Tales Hour. Granted, primate stories are a staple of news around these parts, but we save Friday for the really, um, special news items that involve incidents with monkeys, gorillas, babboons, orangoutangs, chimpanzees. And sometimes animals that have funny names, like ocelots and lemurs, but mostly monkeys, because they’re always just so gosh darn surprising.

So this week, we have a very heartwarming tale of a San Diego couple who went to celebrate the birthday of a chimpanzee named Moe at a local animal sanctuary, only to find his friends were a little jealous of his birthday cake they brought. So jealous, in fact, that the adorable little chimps mauled one of them, eating off his face, foot, and testicles. Yeah, I saved the best piece of anatomy for last, just to sucker you into the rest of the sentence. Now that’s writing, folks.

“Dr. Maureen Martin, of Kern Medical Center, told KGET-TV of Bakersfield that the monkeys chewed most of Davis’ face off and that he would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose.

Davis was transported to Loma Linda University Medical Center, where he was undergoing surgery late Thursday night, according to Martarano.

Kern County Sheriff’s Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian that besides the damage to his face, Davis had his testicles and foot mauled off. Buddy, a 16-year-old male chimp, initiated the attack and after he was shot, Ollie, a 13-year-old male, grabbed the gravely injured man and dragged him down the road, according to Chealander.

‘Everybody was trying to get the chimp off,’ Chealander said.”

No word on if Moe got to eat his cake while his friends had a good helping of delicious birthday suit.

Well, that concludes Friday Primate Storybook Tales Hour. Yeah, I know it didn’t take you an hour to read this post. The hour in the title refers to how long it took to write this. Casual Friday extends to typing, too.