Finally, I Can Get Onboard With Twilight

If you’re like me, and God help you if you are, you have a severe case of loathing for any and all things Twilight related. Well, except for the Rifftrax version of that first flick, which was brilliant. It’s not so much the glittering vampires, the terrible acting, or that Pattinson kid’s hair (though those things make me recoil with my sternest frown) but the fact that this bitch author has made mountains of cash off of what amounts to a Harlequin romance novel with better marketing.

These bullshit vampires are the perfect men, they’re the best looking people in school, super strong (so as to protect you from runaway vans) and when they get a high school crush, it’s for fucking life. But hold on ladies, don’t worry about this bastard getting too clingy, he’s flighty and mysterious enough to keep you pining for him, and the times you do spend with him are either intensely passionate or filled with panties-moistening danger. Fat house-fraus love that shit.

But now, I finally have a reason to appreciate this series. In case you hadn’t heard, there’s a fourth book out called “Breaking Dawn.” And in this book, my friends, the main chick Bella and her vampire boyfriend get married, honeymoon on his private tropical island, and he fucks her unconscious. No shit, to the point that her business is left badly bruised. Then he gets her pregnant, the baby kicks so hard it breaks her ribs and severs her spine, and when it gets delivered by emergency vampire-tooth C-section, the werewolf guy falls in love with it at birth.

These are only the highlights of the story, I highly recommend you check out the full rundown over at CHUD, which elaborates in hilarious detail. If the end result of this ridiculous series is a flick where Kristen Stewart gets banged so hard she nearly dies, and gets her spine kicked out by her own halfbreed baby, I’m in. Those two things alone secure my ten fifty on opening night.