Today marks the 20th birthday of Zelda, and rather than working… or pretending to work, as I’m known to do, I think we should all take a minute and reflect on what made this series so goddamned awesome. Then we can tear it apart, because frankly, that’s what we do here.
Actually, fuck it. Let’s just post a bunch of links and tear it apart. I mean we could sit here and yap about how rad it was the first time you ripped the master sword out of the stone in the third game, but we all know this. How about we talk about the fact that for Zelda’s 20th birthday, it’s been confirmed that Twilight Princess has been delayed until the Fall? Way to go Nintendo, it’ll be here just in time to come out for a last-generation console! Plus… you get to piss me off, which is always fun.
How about the fact that the Japanese have constantly attempted to keep Link’s sexuality relatively ambiguous? There were a lot of awkward moments (scroll down a bit) in the series, that kinda make you wonder. Examples:
First you’ve got homosexually-charged shit like the first two images above in the Zelda instruction manuals, then you’ve got him pimping out bitches and old maids for health and magic power in Zelda II. Was he really into tapping those little red-dress-wearing skanks, or was he just in it for the HP? Not that there would be anything wrong with him being gay but… well yeah fuck it, it’s not ok, that’s where I draw the line. Link is the manliest fucker to ever wear a skirt, and I refuse to allow you slanty eyed karaoke jockeys to effeminize him for your own amusement. It makes it a hell of a lot harder for me to take the Wind Waker seriously if I have to wonder about whether or not the hero of time also likes to ride the man train to Hyrule.
Other than that, I’ve never really had a problem with the series. It’s damned near perfect, with the exception of that CD-i nonsense. But nobody qualifies those games, because they’re more like a sick April Fool’s day joke that somehow got out of hand. Besides, do you know anyone who owned a CD-i? You do? Well pound them to death with a fucking Power Glove®, because someone needs to put them out of their long-delayed misery. And then you should check out these links, and take a long nostalgic trip down memory lane. It’s not like you have anything better to do:
- Zeldalegends.net – check out the image gallery for scans of the old instruction manuals. Holy shit… the 80’s were amazing.
- The Official Zelda Site – cry along with me, as you check out the amazing trailers for Twilight Princess and realize that we’ll have a new fucking President before it sees the light of day.
- Zelda Comics – Nintendo Power magazine was the shit, son. Too bad my mom threw them all away when I brought home a report card with an “Unsatisfactory” on my homework grades one year. I should kick her in the shin for that later.
Oh, and be sure to check out the merchandise section of that site too, there’s some badass stuff in there. If I ever decide to go celibate, I’m getting those curtains. - The REAL LOZ @ Newgrounds – The loading screen is funny enough, the rest is pretty goddamned excellent.
Zelda Classic – I want to play this. I am simply too lazy to do so. Therefore, one of you should play it for me, and tell me all about how awesome it is. Bongweasel, I nominate you.
Submit your own in the comments, I’m sure I’m missing a whole bag of excellence.
Zelda Classicis fun but it’s a bit hard using the keys instead of a D-pad. Too lazy to bring a D-pad device up to work…I mean home…whatever. Fun game and they have all these fucking cool ass mods to play as well.