Category: Rants

Wow second post already. And guess what, it’s about cartoons again. For those of you who love Adult Swim but want some variety, you should check out TNN. First we have Ren and Stimpy’s Adult Party. Which is funnier, grosser, and more disgusting then the first one. Gary the Rat, voiced by Kelsey Grammar, who plays a lawyer that got turned into a rat. And last but certainly not least, Stripperella, which stars Pamela Anderson as a stripper/crime fighter. Not only is it funny, but it was created by Stan-the-fucking-man-Lee. Grab yourself a six pack or a bong, whichever your drug of preference is and enjoy some pretty funny and original cartoons.

As some of you may have already heard, Futurama was recently canceled. Fox, congratulations you’ve ruined another good show. So as my first rant to you, my faithful readers (All twelve of you who still remember this site has more then just a forum) I present my top five reasons Fox sucks.

5) The Michael Jackson special, stop giving him money.
4) Boston Public, it really fucking sucks. Why is it still on?
3) American Juniors, what in the fuck is this, why are they showing commercials for it non-stop and why did they give Debbie Gibson a job?
2) They constantly change the airtime of good shows so that even faithful viewers have trouble figuring out when there show is on. Otherwise they just pull the same shit they did to “Family Guy” and yank it without warning then drop it in as a mid-season replacement six months later again without telling anyone. Then they wonder why no one is watching as they spend more advertising on “Joe Millionaire.”
1) They’re the reason Geraldo Riveria still has a job. That is a hell worthy offense in and of itself.

I hope Rupert Murdoch gets beaten, tied up and dropped in some remote part of the Australian outback to get fucked by aborigines, and I hope they don’t give the courtesy of a reach around because he doesn’t deserve it. Now if you excuse me I’m going to go watch skanks fuck so they can stay on an island for another week.

My first rant and Nostrin’s two rants have vanished! If I weren’t a lazy man I would post a picture of me not giving a shit because I have my first rant saved on my hard drive.

And by “saved on my hard drive” I mean “Tattooed on my cock.”

I happened to go to a flea market today because I needed to pick up a set of dishes with minor imperfections and a couple stolen boxes of disposable razor blades. A couple minutes after I got there, the skies opened up and there was a torrential downpour.

Sweet Jesus, I haven’t heard that much cursing and yelling in Spanish since I walked through the kitchen of Red Lobster dressed as an INS agent last halloween. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all Mexicans. Your garden variety urban scumbag had many a van parked at the ol’ flea market and they were all scrambling to cram their tablefuls of crap into their vehicles. It was like a whirling dervish of unwashed limbs, banana boxes full of loose silverware, and stolen DVD’s.

In the confusion, did they notice the flashlight I helped myself to off of one of their tables? Of course not! It was one of those really nice MagLite dealies that you can use to clobber people. When I got it home and tested it out, it didn’t work. Fuck that noise about buying a bulb for it. Its in the dumpster behind my house if anyone wants it.

And to RealDoll.com of coursemanufacturers of the worlds only 6000 dollar sex doll, for that rare breed of man who really cant get laid with twenties hanging out of his pants.

Greetings! I have an idea for a new game in which I think you gentlemen might be interested! Its a variation on the very popular Dance Dance Revolution that has urban youths all over the country laying their crack money on the line so they can prove theyre the sickest dancer in town y0. Word to your mother. Anyway, my idea is for a game called Fuck Fuck Revolution The PS2 would hook up to a custom RealDoll and the player would score points for hitting the sensor pads at the right times! I figure her ass could be the triangle button, her right breast could be R1 and her left breast could be L1. The back of her head could be the square button in case you want to work some donkey punch action in thereyou get the idea. After all, youre Japanese game designers so I would imagine this game is going to improve your sex life by an order of magnitude. Please consider my idea, as the possibilities for this game are endless.

Of course, I had some other ideas for RealDolls, but for some reason the company that makes them refuses to entertain my ideas. For example, I think a doll that looks like the Virgin Mary would be quite neat and would sell quite well in the Middle East. A doll with a detachable football as a head would also be awesome, because I dont know about any of you, but after I finish having sex, I totally want to rip the girls head off and spike it while I scream SCORE SCORE TOUCHDOWN WOOOO!!! as I dance around my bedroom. I think the makers of the worlds most realistic sex doll underestimate the number of men who want to follow up sexxing an inanimate object with a end zone dance and boasts of kiss your immaculate conception GOODBYE!!!

OK I dont really want to spike the girls head but I wouldnt mind taking a shot at the Virgin Mary while resting a can of beer on her back.

Only not. Not in Chicago. It may be called the Windy City but that has less to do with the weather than with the politics. Chicago weather has two seasons: too hot to fuck and too cold not to fuck.

I can think of only three cities that are even remotely as cursed as Chicago weather-wise: St. Louis and New Orleans for the heat, and Buffalo for the cold and blizzards.

The last first: Buffalo doesn’t fucking matter. If MTV finds it worthy of a frat Real World then it isn’t worth another sentence.

St. Louis is about as humid as Chicago, but that’s irrelevant. It has no bbq or other food scene for that matter (hell, its best known beers are made by Anheuser-Busch). Except for its sports teams which are perennial contenders and have great fans, no one could give two shits about it. Although Wash. U. St. Louis is a good school. So it’ll get props for that. But that don’t signify for anything.

New Orleans? ‘Nilla, please. It’s a pimp’s town. A certain respect has to be given to any town where Snoop Dogg can walk around for a few hours with a handheld camera (I won’t ask and don’t want to know about the other hand) and walk away with fat stacks of cash and enough porn to make Seymore Butts smile.

But Chicago is supposed to be the “City That Works.” It’s a fucking miracle that shit gets done here (although I’m sure nepotism and bribery have a lot to do with it). See, it’s par for the Chicago course: anything–and then some–for a buck.

But goddamn if I’m going to whistle while I work in this weather (although college ain’t work a’tall). For fuck’s sake, I ride air conditioned public transportation, but I barely get off the L platform and I’m soaked more than the limo upholstery in Assgasms.

I mean. I don’t look at porn. I don’t even know what it is. Porn, what’s that?

Look! Over there!

I just need to thank you for momentarily changing the way I perceive this citys public transportation system. Long have I thought of it as an open forum for the citys poor and somewhat less than poor alike to turn an efficient mode of public transit into a part of my life that is convenient, yet utterly disgusting. There must be a thousand empty bags of Cheetos crammed in between the seats and the wall, yet it just wouldnt be public trans without them.

Your pure, unrestrained drunkenness undoubtedly made it impossible for you to clearly remember this train ride. It was crowded so you were standing, as were many of the passengers. Next to you was your boyfriend, a man with red hair, a goatee and clothes that may have been in style during his fraternity days in 1999. My apologies if I am being presumptuousif he wasnt your boyfriend then he was definitely grabbing your ass more than the average white male late night rider might.

Enough settingback to the topic at hand. You were quite drunk and would have been more comfortable sitting in a position where you could have simply passed out. You were standing, however, and for some reason your arms didnt seem to be functioning because you were propping yourself up by resting your face against the upright handbar.

Perhaps in your intoxicated state you thought it was a giant corn dog, because you were damn near licking the very bar that thousands of homeless people, commuters, chronic masturbaters, and ass-scratching scumbags grab hold of when the train lurches to a stop. The manner in which you was firmly committed to mouthing that bar almost convinced me that the palm sweat of half the city of Chicago must somehow make it delicious. Perhaps it has something to do with just the right combination of salts and spices from the countless fingers of people having their ghetto lunches of Cheetos and Doritos. For a moment, I perceived the train as a true monument to flavor, thanks to your revolting display of public drunkenness. Perhaps as an encore you should next try licking the train’s electrified “third rail!”

In the end I came to my senses and simply thought to myself Woah there drunky! The train hasnt arrived at White Castle just yet. For a moment there though, you really distorted my view of this towns beloved train system!

Sincerely,
Tzeen

P.S. the top you were wearing looks like something the police might wave before an injured deer to distract it before they shoot it in the head. You should demote it from Friday night bar hopping top to dust rag.

Sleep has got to be the devil’s most fiendish plot. Few things feel as good as putting your head on that pillow, closing your eyes, and letting the dreary damnation of the day slip away.

But you always pay for it in the morning.Insomnia is clearly the better deal. At least you know you’re going to feel shitty, but you get that second wind.

No. With sleep you drift off and it’s all good times. You get that warm feeling. And then the sky begins to lighten. And then you’re ripped from sleep by the noxious blarings of your alarm clock like an aborted fetus from a womb.

No.I’m not bitter at making procrastination an art form. Writing 1,000 words in 4 hours–admittedly wasting 2 hours cheating on the paper with the Internet like Hugh Grant with a cheap call girl–isn’t bad. No, the bad part is getting the assignment at the beginning of the term and then waiting until 14 hours before it’s due to start any work on it. Then staying up ’til 3 a.m. to get the fucker done. And then being so wired from all the no-doz, jolt, and double shot espressos that you can’t fucking fall asleep.

No, wait, the worst part is the fact that the paper had to be written about Saul Bellow.But then again, better to be a college student than just about anything else.

Holy shit, that makes me feel better. My life is infinitely easier than almost everyone else’s. Ha.

Rants? I should be in raves, bitch. Now where’s my pacifier?”

Some people will tell you baseball is our National Pastime. Our naptime, if you will. Other people laugh at these people and say it’s football. We can all laugh at people who think soccer is even a sport.

Nay, they are all wrong (except for those of us who laugh at soccer). Public Urination is indeed our National Pastime.

It’s not a privilege; it’s not a right; it’s a fucking doodie, I mean duty!

What greater joy is there than unzipping one’s pants in broad daylight in order to partake in the warm pleasure of a golden stream darkening and scenting ground that will be seen–and almost as importantly, smelled–by numerous passers-by. I say there is none!

Chicago Cubs fans know all about public urination (as does Southsider Raygun). They are perhaps the scholarly experts on the subject: technique, history, social significance. They know so much about it the city had to pass a law limiting the dissemination of such knowledge via graphic display.

Swearing is legal, but pissing on brick is not. Go figure.

So slacker and I are talking about Star Wars Galaxies. He was able to buy it today, but retail is tomorrow. Now he’s the proud owner of a game he can’t play. We’re discussing classes to play…

b0ng0 pants: creature handler seems cool too
ORI0N37: heh just because you like to fuck small animals right?
b0ng0 pants: like geese

I’m in the best guild ever. I mean it.

____ tells the guild, ‘easy chicks ride the short bus’

Our server pretty much sucks, but damn we have a lot of fun.