Category: Rants

Real American Hero
Cheers to you airport announcer woman. Without you I wouldn’t know that I have to keep my baggage attended at all times while in Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. And any and all other airports. Without your cheery voice, Sherry Perry and Mr. & Mrs. Bob O’Connor would not get their calls on the white courtesy phone.

You keep our national infrastructure lubed like a well-oiled Shannon Elizabeth.

Airport Personalities:

Haggard Business Man
Typified by rumpled suit, loosened tie, and dress shoes. Carries an attache case. Often seen at airport watering holes hitting on transvestites and lushes. Technique: wears wedding ring, sobs over row of whiskey shots about ‘dead’ wife or ‘cheating’ wife. Pleads for sympathy or revenge sex.

Up and Coming Business Woman
Found wearing pant suits, with jacket over one shoulder. Sleeveless blouse. Fashionably sensible heels. One-hand on wheeled carry-on bag. Seen strutting to and from gates and baggage claims with cocksure, Gloria Steinem feminist confidence. Likely to knee Haggard Business Man in the balls. Carries Mace for the homeless.

The Ride Home
Arrives at least an hour early. Schmucks that they are, they forget to check whether the plane is on-time. Constantly checks arrival screens for updates. Sits as far away from other Rides Home as possible. Steals any seat you might think is open, seconds before you get there. Smells of despair. If not sitting, paces in a circle like a pussy-whipped lion in a cage.

Chickenshit “Inconspicuous” Airport Security Supervisor
Wears sharp, tailored suits. Close-cropped hair. Possibly gelled. Shitty shoes are a must. 5 year old shoes that have been dragged through every season (all 2 of them) and gutter Chicago has to offer. Can’t afford better shoes because all money was spent on the suit. Walks with elbows in like a chick, not elbows out like a cowboy. Uses “sir” and “ma’am” in most offensive way possible, especially to children. Nose is angled up at such a degree as to make French waiters turn a darker shade of green than their frog legs.

Vacation Girls
Travel in groups of at least 3. Dark tan. Tank-top. No bra. Braided hair. They’re 10s so long as they keep their mouth shut except for consensually agreed upon (or not) activities.

Low Income Ride Home
Spends all airport time at Midway. Can’t navigate O’Hare. Constantly asking for directions. Permanently unsure of surroundings, always asking nearest SkyCap for verification. Would feel more comfortable at Ford City Mall.

Guy Looking For Bathroom
Walks quickly. Easily mistaken for Knows Where He’s Going Man. Always ends up choosing the wrong door. Not the exit door for the bathroom. No, the security stand with the flashing lights, large DO NOT ENTER sign, and armed guards that is right next to the bathroom. Invariably sets off the alarm and gets yelled at to back the fuck up lest he receive a Chicago style beat down from the 5-0 and National Guard.

Foreign-looking Traveler
Shifty eyes. Not because they’re guilty of anything, but because they don’t want to share the same fate as Bathroom Man…only with the added prize of Cavity Search Man.

Leaving Over-the-Hill Las Vegas
Everything stays in Vegas. Except for her cheap whore make-up and clothes too-tight and too-skimpy for J.LO, let alone some leathery, malignant melanoma freckled tanning bed jockey.

Custodial Personnel
Wears rubber glove. Carries garbage bag with optional dustpan and broom. Thrilled to clean up all your tourist slob shit.

Gutterloving 12-13 Year Old with Mom
Kids just have to be getting stupider. That’s the only explanation. You little shit, I hope you fall out of the jetway.

Fat People
There are loads of them. They are inescapable. They have the gravity of a neutron star. No wonder there’s so little room on the plane. Also explains the cost of tickets: you’re paying to fly their fat asses and their XXXXXL muumuus.

Not Safe For Work, butternuts.

The blowjob truly is an art form.
This begs the question: why don’t more lesbian porn pics actually show direct mouthification of the kiddieslide?

If you wouldn’t accept a blowjob from her, then you must have been anally fisted by your mom at an early age.

Blowjob, what blowjob?
That makes fording the red river tempting.

I’m too good to you fuckers.

If just one more person starts talking about The Da Vinci Code, I’m taking a fucking baseball bat to some motherfucker’s kneecaps. Hard. Okay, that’s all for now.

For anyone to rate a blowjob anything less than swank they must be some kind of rumploving homoqueer (not that there’s anything wrong with that). You all gotta be the kind of homoqueer rumplovers who walk around with poles up their ass for the principle of it. You tightasses need to loosen up.

What kind of sickfuck would prefer having shitcrusted, asschafing mandingorod piledriven 9″ up their poopchute by Prison Bubba instead of knobslobification by the slice of their choice? A dickless sociopathic bitch, that’s who.

This post brought to you by the letters ‘A’ and ‘Compound Wordification’.

LOS ANGELES, Aug. 1 Rap mogul Marion Suge Knight may be the ultimate target of a series of deadly gang shootings, according to a published report.

FOUR of the eight people killed in slayings that stretch back to 1997 were close associates of Knight, the Los Angeles Times reported in Fridays editions. Investigators have warned Knight to be cautious.
Word on the street is theres a hit out on Suge Knight, said Det. Michael Caouette of the Los Angeles County Sheriffs Department.

I have to commend the LAPD on some bang up police work. How amazing is it that they figured all this out!? Citizens of Los Angeles should sleep soundly knowing there are such outstanding public servents watching out for them (unless of course you happen to be black.) Suge Knight connected with all sorts of gang violence!? I never woulda guessed such a thing. I did some other digging and found a few other amazing things uncovered by the LAPD.

White people may be the target of crime after dark in Compton

Also…

Heroin use may result in addiction and infectious disease

If you leave your car unlocked, the chances of it getting stolen or urinated in increases considerably

Ahhhh now that’s some good police work. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna take some PCP and go out and see if I can’t get a bunch of black cops to beat the shit out of me on videotape because I want to be the next CourtTV sensation.

American English pretty much sucks. The Irish cornered the market on linguistic ingenuity.

There is one upside to American English: the compound word.

I daresay we would not be anywhere without such gems as ‘asshole’ ‘fuckbutter’ ‘chucklefuck’ ‘sonuvabitch’ and many others.

But there is only one word that matters.

I submit for you consideration: blowjob.

I was eating at this Mongolian BBQ restaurant the other day with some friends of mine. I got into a little argument with them about tipping. Before I even start…let me just get it out of the way that Mongolian BBQ…is like a buffet with meats, vegetables, noodles, and sauces that the customer utilizes to make his own plate of food. You get it all cold, and the cooks cook it in front of you on a giant 1200 degree table-like thing. Anyways…needless to say, the food is awesome, but I looked at the menu to discover that a lunch buffet is $6.00 while a “dinner”(it was like 5:30 in the afternoon) buffet is $13.50. “How could there be this much of a price increase!?” I thought to myself. “Surely the food doesn’t become that of a higher calibur after 4 pm!” I thought. Well, it doesn’t, but all four of us ended up paying $13.50 anyways since the food is fucking great. Fast forward to an hour later, when we get the bill (its $67); My friends want to leave a 15% tip(which would make the total about $77). To me, leaving this waiter a ten dollar tip seems fucking ridiculous. Why the fuck should we give someone 10 extra dollars for doing nothing? I mean, sure, he brought out our drinks and some rice…but other than that, he did absolutely nothing that would merit a tip of more than 4 bucks. All my friends were calling me a cheapskate but I was like “look, if you guys wanna give this motherfucker 10 dollars for bringing you a dr. pepper, feel free. Here’s my one dollar.” Was I wrong to do this? I mean…what the fuck did he do? People at Steak ‘n’ Shake carry more shit to the table than this guy did, and yet, we feel generous giving those poor bastards anything more than 3 bucks. Just cuz the food that we got up and put together ourselves was expensive doesn’t mean that this cornhole should get 10 dollars of our money, in my opinion. Now, if i was tipping the cooks, then maybe I wouldn’t have argued about it. They do work. But this waiter didn’t do a god damned thing. I feel like I did the right thing, but I could be an asshole, I don’t know.

I am completely and utterly devoid of any creative ability. Not just now, but always.

So I’ll just have to rip off someone else’s clever bleatings. Clever bleatings which were in turn ripped off from a forum. And then ripped off by Fark. And what’s more, I’ll rip it off second-hand from Fark!

300+ proofs of God to warm an atheist’s heart.

ARGUMENT FROM INSANITY
(1) No sane person could have thought up Christianity
(2) Therefore, it must be true
(3) Therefore, God exists

You all can bitch at Sharkey for leaving so much blank space in the quote box. And he will go and kill some of the monkeys at their keyboards for failing to pound out Shakespeare-worthy CSS HTML formatting.

Sometimes investing in headline stock at Fark pays comedy gold dividends.

So fuck you all.

Here is the link to the Boston Globe Article

In case you don’t want to read the whole article, I’ll clip the parts that win at “teH funneY”

About 90 seconds later, Chin said, “I saw a head, then full baby fall out from her skirt, hit the floor sideways and slide the length of the doorway, stopping when he bumped up against the next row of seats. Still she stared out the window. Either she didn’t know it happened or didn’t want to acknowledge it.”

I’m glad that the eyewitness specifies that he saw “a full baby” because it somehow would have been less shocking if she gave birth to just a leg or something.

After leaving the train and heading for the stairs up to the station’s main lobby, witnesses said, the placenta fell to the platform. Judge turned around, grabbed the afterbirth, put it in her shoulder bag, and headed upstairs.

If I were her, I would have taken advantage of this unique turn of events to give the afterbirth to a homeless man and say “here man, go have yourself a good meal. You might want to rinse it off though because it fell on the ground. Sorry bout that.

MBTA police intercepted her and took the baby boy, who was breathing and kicking but not crying. As two officers examined the baby in the front seat of a police SUV

The kid was not crying? Horace Q. Christ, this kid is going to be a tough motherfucker someday. After a short fall out of his mother’s “human garbage chute” this kid rolled around on a noisy, dirty train before being scooped up, carried away, and subsequently seized by police. I mean shit, sometimes just smelling the inside of one of those public trains makes me want to cry. I wash my hands when I get home after riding the train. This kid rolled around in a puddle of afterbirth mixed with floor dirt. Yep, this kid is a tough little mofo. Someday I’ll bet he’s the one who gets all his friends to switch to needle drugs.

The kid was born on the Red line train so I think it’s reasonable to name it “Red” or perhaps “Bubba” because it sounds alot like the sound he made when he hit the floor.
The woman works for the Boston Public school cafeteria system so one might assume that…well uhhhh maybe I shouldn’t analyze that angle. After all, its almost lunchtime.

We all thought Fox had the market cornered on shittacular reality television (and reality reporting for that matter). But we were wrong.

NBC is currently airing a new reality series about marriage. Only not about married couples, but people wanting to get married. They call it “Race to the Altar.” Joy.

Now, you might think this is about how quickly you can knock up your girlfriend to have a shotgun wedding. I certainly did. But I guess that’s reserved for ShowTime’s fall lineup. It will replace “Family Business.”

No, this is about something entirely different. Road Rules meets marriage, or something like that.

NBC pushes romance to the breaking point with this reality series featuring eight engaged couples competing through elaborate physical competitions and smaller non-physical games that force them to work together as a team. Host Lisa Dergan puts love through the ringer as she forces these hopeful brides and grooms to face their fears and test their knowledge of their potential spouse – with one couple voted off in the end.

Now, I actually watched some of this tripe. Ordinarily I wouldn’t, but yet again I am putting off writing a paper. In fact, I’m putting off writing 3 papers. One of 250 words (piece of cake, 10 minutes start to finish). One of 1,000 words (a pain in the ass). One of 3,000 words (a royal pain in the ass), but at least it’s based off the other paper you already know about. All of that is besides the point. The point is that I actually spent 2 minutes of my life watching that network boobtube vomitus on my television.

The first contest? They suspended the 8 couples 100 feet above a hotel pool and had them hug each other in an endurance contest. Now, what does this have to do with marriage?

I have no fucking clue.

The worst part is that they were supsended using the wire-fu setup, but they didn’t jostle them around at all. And when they let go, they just swung apart. No 100 foot plunge into a pool. Where’s the razzle-dazzle splish-splash?

At least they had some stereotypical minority representatives. “Baby, don’t you dare let me go. Hold on tighter you son of a AAAaaaaghhhh!”

Well, maybe the test did actually prepare them for married life. You just know that the first couple to let go will have a cold bed tonight. Frigid, even. The first of many frosty marital mattresses.