Category: News

The delicious Kristanna Loken is apparently signed on to star in the Bloodrayne flick. That’s good, because she laid down a really good foundation of shit with that Terminator 3 nonsense, so she may as well build her shit house on shit… sand. Plus, it’s being directed by Uwe Boll, who is having his own problems with the critics right now.

By the way, did you hear that Keanu Reeves got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday? Apparently his work as an EFF…BEE…EYE……..AGENT has merited him such accolades. And as a bonus, the fellow let everyone know who is to be held accountable for his rise to stardom:

“When I was 15 years old in Canada, I did a play called `Romeo and Juliet,'” Reeves said. “`I asked my mom if it was OK to be an actor, and she said, ‘Whatever you want.’ So thanks, Mom.”

Wow. That is touching. Congratulations, Mrs. Reeves. You’ve earned an all-expenses paid trip to Horribly-Painful-Simian-Induced-Death-Land. Be sure to try the soup in a bread bowl, it’s delicious.

(AP) – C.O.B.R.A. militants claimed in a Web statement Tuesday to have taken a G.I. Joe soldier hostage and threatened to behead him in 72 hours unless the Americans release C.O.B.R.A. mastermind DESTRO from prisoner. The U.S. military said it was investigating, but the claim’s authenticity could not be immediately confirmed.The posting, on a Web site that frequently carried the terrorists statements, included a photo of what that statement said was an Joe soldier “ROADBLOCK”, wearing desert fatigues and seated on a concrete floor with his hands tied behind his back. The figure in the photo appeared stiff and expressionless, and the photo’s authenticity could not be confirmed.

A G.I. Joe commanding officer Clayton “HAWK” Abernathy, said he had no information on the claim but “we are currently looking into it, and remember kids, knowing is half that battle!”

“Our serpentine heroes of C.O.B.R.A’s Snake Battalion were able to capture American military man Marvin Hinton after killing a number of his comrades and capturing the rest,” said the statement, signed by the “Snake Battalion” “God willing, we will behead him if The Baroness and DESTRO are not released from Joe prisons within the maximum period of 72 hours from the time this statement has been released,” the statement said.

The posting did not show any ID card for the alleged captive and no organization’s name was written on the black banner, as have appeared in some past claims of kidnappings. The man’s uniform had no U.S. insignia or names visible.

You may have noticed a lag in posting for the last few days. This is due to the fact that I’ve been on the phone with various tech support representatives from various companies for the past five days or so. Sure, there have been breaks, but they were mainly used to drown my own hatred in a pool of soothing Jack Daniels®. At this point, I can honestly say that SBC has far and away taken the crown of “Most Fucking Useless” in the field of so-called “technical support.” Let me give you a hint as to what I’ve been attempting to accomplish:

Friend runs a company. Friend asks for help with a mailserver. I set up the mailserver, and figure that it’d be nice to have SBC (their T-1 provider) act as a backup DNS server, in case of a problem with their primary DNS server. Simple. Add a few records, take three minutes out of your average techie’s day, and it’s done. Finito. And for a company that’s used to dealing with $39.95/month customers, they should be able to handle a simple request from a client that’s spending upwards of $500/month for their dedicated connection. Or so you would think. Here are a few highlights from my journey into SBC’s bowels:

• Spent ten minutes explaining to a phone operator the difference between a DSL connection and a T-1. “About $450 dollars per month” was not an acceptible answer.
• Was hung up on by the billing department 8 times.
• Spoke to an automated person who couldn’t understand when I said the word “two” about a dozen times.
• Spent five minutes explaining the concept of DNS to a phone operator. I used phrases such as “when you type www.yahoo.com, magical things happen…”
• Spent ten minutes explaining the concept of DNS to a tech support representative. The phone operator got it in half the time.
• Number of calls it took to actually get someone on the phone who knew what I was talking about: About 15

Mind you, SBC was not the only place I was on hold with. I had three seperate companies regarding three seperate issues to speak to, and none of them had what you would consider “competent” support departments. Thankfully, it looks like I’m done. So now I guess I can die in peace.

I can’t imagine why we haven’t yet had a decent gallery of Abi Titmuss. After all, she’s done pretty much nothing in her career aside from starring in a raunchy sex tape. Perhaps she and Paris Hilton should get together and swap tips… and maybe bodily fluids.

In other pie related news, I also uploaded a pic from some new Lacey Chabert flick that’s got a nice side shot of her funbags. Not exactly what you’d hope for, but it shows that the girl is open to new experiences. Good for her.

So Bad Ass MoFo reader Tom sent in a fine little nipple slip pic of Jennifer Garner, and I just had to make her SOTD again so you can enjoy it. And touch yourself. We all know what you’re doing, so don’t try to deny it.

In other news, absolutely nothing interesting happened in the world today. You heard it here first.

If you’ve been watching (and drinking to) “The O.C.”, which you really fucking should be, then you would have noticed the latest lesbian addition to the show. If not, please allow me to introduce you (at Bolt’s request) to Emmanuelle Chriqui.

I’m hoping for a lesbian three-way on next week’s episode. Of course, I’ve been wishing for that on my bed for years, and that still hasn’t happened. But I’m an optimist. …this week.

[ Man Pees Way Out Of Avalanche ]

Best use of beer for survival since Schindler bought Hitler a Coors Light®. Hands down.

[ $300 Sticker Improves Your Mileage ]

The fuel disc is a quarter-size piece of plastic. Its promoter, OceanCity Network of Thousand Oaks, Calif., is advising its network of salespeople to stock up on the stickers.

They retail for $299 each but are discounted for people who persuade others to sell them. Upper-level members – one of whom is based in Boulder – have to buy a minimum of 10 SmogBusters for about $1,400.

“It’s clear that it’s just a sticker and nothing else,” Dane said.

If any ladies out there have purchased this, I’d like to get you in on the ground floor of my new business venture. My semen is an anti-aging cream. Come down to my office today, and try a free sample straight from the tap!

[ Karma Gets A Little Rough With This Guy ] (totally forgot to give props to Bongweasel for sending me this)

I guarantee, if you’re not squeamish, you will watch this again and again. If only to figure out what the fuck was happening. I’ll have to call you back, some serious shit just happened.

https://www.littlemidgets.com/downloadsnew/sub_1631.wmv (direct download)

Captain Terror just let me know about Stan Lee’s next project. Apparently he’s decided to make an animated superhero project featuring Ringo Starr… as Ringo Starr, the superhero.

“Ringo is beloved worldwide for his commitment to people and his singular wit,” said Lee, the man responsible for the likes of Spider-Man and The Hulk. “Our Ringo Superhero character will combine these qualities, along with Ringo’s secret powers which people generally didn’t know about because he has kept them secret – until now.”Starr’s alter ego is described as an “evil-battling, Earth-saving – though reluctant – superhero with a great sense of rhythm.”

…

Captain Terror: Stan Lee has lost his mind.
Sharkey: …
Sharkey: ringo starr… as a superhero version of himself?
Captain Terror: I like the comment at the end about there is no word on what superpowers Starr has.
Sharkey: um… it would obviously be mind control, because there’s no other fucking way he’d get anyone to consider a stupid fucking idea like this.