Category: News

Nick Lachey is going to be one smiling motherfucker, after he receives his first alimony check from Jessica Simpson. She just rallied up the gumption to file for divorce from the former… what the fuck band was he in?

…meh, like it matters. The guy is taking one back for us all, and for that we should applaud him. He got to tag one of the most desirable women on the planet, live in a house that her talent (*ahemtits*) built, and now he gets a slice of her massive bank account. God almighty… there is… a God almighty.

The guy has some enviable luck. Tip your hat to this motherfucker tonight lads… he’s set the bar for us all.

And on a calm Thursday afternoon, I am bestowed with newfound respect for Steve Guttenberg.

You had a string of hits in the 1980s. What have you been up to lately?

There are 100,000 actors in the Screen Actors Guild. Only 2,000 of them make more than $75,000 (£42,000) a year. That means 98,000 actors make less than $75,000 a year. From 1980 to 1990, I shot more films than any other actor in the Screen Actors Guild apart from Gene Hackman. Everyone keeps asking me that stupid question: “What are you doing?” I say: “Why do I need to do anything? I’m rich.” Do you want me to be poor again? Do you want me to go back to making tomato soup out of ketchup and water? Or would you like me to be a multimillionaire and be rewarded for all the entertainment I gave you for all those years? I’m enjoying life now. If I was a plumber and I’d done the most plumbing jobs between 1980 and 1990, everyone would be saying: “What a great plumber” – he says “f**k you to the world and he’s enjoying himself.” But for some reason, as an actor, you’re not allowed to say: “I’m f**king rich, bro.”

There’s nothing I can add to this. It’s just fucking awesome. Winners. We’re all winners today, thanks to this article.

Man oh man, do I like that Morgan Webb. The sexy host of whatever shitty G4/TechTV show that needs boob-induced ratings this week has just been featured in FHM, and the pics are pretty excellent. Enjoy.

That girl needs to pull a Cat Schwartz and inadvertantly (or intentionally) put up some boobie pics. Now.

I was walking past the candy aisle this morning and something caught my eye. On one of the packages I was sure I saw “Not to be used for weight control.” So I backed up a step, and sure enough, right on a package of sweet delicious empty calories was the aforementioned phrase. I’d like to meet the asshole who sued because he tried to use Skittles as a fat burner, which resulted in this.

By the way: I’d like to thank Google for clueing me in to “International Women’s Day.” Somewhere out there, a woman seriously wants you to spend money on her for this momentous holiday. Buy her some Skittles.

Another Friday, another installment of Friday Primate Storybook Tales Hour. Granted, primate stories are a staple of news around these parts, but we save Friday for the really, um, special news items that involve incidents with monkeys, gorillas, babboons, orangoutangs, chimpanzees. And sometimes animals that have funny names, like ocelots and lemurs, but mostly monkeys, because they’re always just so gosh darn surprising.

So this week, we have a very heartwarming tale of a San Diego couple who went to celebrate the birthday of a chimpanzee named Moe at a local animal sanctuary, only to find his friends were a little jealous of his birthday cake they brought. So jealous, in fact, that the adorable little chimps mauled one of them, eating off his face, foot, and testicles. Yeah, I saved the best piece of anatomy for last, just to sucker you into the rest of the sentence. Now that’s writing, folks.

“Dr. Maureen Martin, of Kern Medical Center, told KGET-TV of Bakersfield that the monkeys chewed most of Davis’ face off and that he would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose.

Davis was transported to Loma Linda University Medical Center, where he was undergoing surgery late Thursday night, according to Martarano.

Kern County Sheriff’s Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian that besides the damage to his face, Davis had his testicles and foot mauled off. Buddy, a 16-year-old male chimp, initiated the attack and after he was shot, Ollie, a 13-year-old male, grabbed the gravely injured man and dragged him down the road, according to Chealander.

‘Everybody was trying to get the chimp off,’ Chealander said.”

No word on if Moe got to eat his cake while his friends had a good helping of delicious birthday suit.

Well, that concludes Friday Primate Storybook Tales Hour. Yeah, I know it didn’t take you an hour to read this post. The hour in the title refers to how long it took to write this. Casual Friday extends to typing, too.

Thanks to the five million of you who sent me emails entitled “Unidor Strikes Again” and “Your Wife Is Free!”, because it makes my soul happy. And no, that’s not sarcasm. Go Unidor.

“Unidorrr, flying high in the sky,
Unidorrr, freeing your favorite pie.
Unidorrr, soaring free as a bird,
Unidorrr, made Katie Holmes drop that turd.
Unidor… UNIDOORRRRRRRRRRRR!

Unidor© copyright 2005 BAMF Productions. All rights reserved. Please use Unidor responsibly.

Bongweasel let me in on the fact that Denise Richards has filed for divorce, but then I forgot to copy the link. So now CAd gets all the credit. Sweet, glorious credit.

Oh right, speaking of credit, we gotta give thanks to the man:

That magical vomit-borne space cowboy rides for us all, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Excluding holidays, of course. I think we need some more strips about his adventures, he’s a fascinating sonuvabitch.

Here comes another slick update from Frozensoulx. This time he decided to beef up our Alyssa Milano gallery. I was curious as to what Alyssa had been up to recently, so I checked IMDB to catch up with her career.

…yeah. Don’t bother. Her career is deader than Johnny Carson.

Hey, there’s always the possibility of a “Who’s The Boss?” reunion, sweet cheeks. Featuring you know who.

I think everyone should take the Flaming Carrot’s advice and eat pie whenever the opportunity presents itself. For instance, I had a run-in with a hooker last week. I gave her twenty dollars and she gave me chlamydia. I think I got off easy (get it?!) in my opinion. Anyway, if you can’t don’t have a girlfriend or have access to disease-addled hookers, maybe these villainous motivational posters will help you get off your arse in search of the finer things in life. And by finer things, I mean the girls willing to go home with just about anybody when last call hits.

Frozensoulx comes through again, as he noticed that somehow our Lindsay Lohan gallery was non-existent. Not anymore, so chisel away, you little perverts.

I guess she should be all excited since that new Herbie flick is finally in post-production. Now her career can really take flight. That is, unless her father decides to have her killed. Something tells me that rich little chick oughtta realize the problem, cut her losses, and pay to get the man some help. Either from some large men with nightsticks, or large men with machetes. Either way, she’s free to make more hit albums.

Wait, fuck! No!