Category: News

Famicom Band – Punch Out!!

When they did the old running sequence, I fucking lost it. You’d probably do well to check out their other stuff as well.

Brooke Burns… always sounded like a warning, more than a proper name. Still, she’s hot enough for Bruce Willis to have fucked, so you know she’s good enough for a ride around the park. Plus, she probably tastes like whiskey and a used ashtray. I don’t know why, that’s just the scent I imagine Bruce Willis leaves behind on all women.

…anybody get a whiff of Lindsay Lohan recently?

Hey, according to IMDB, she’s been in the hospital since November after snapping her neck in a pool accident. Guess… guess her Baywatch days didn’t give her much of a safety lesson around the water.

Create an e-nnoyance, go to jail

This is quite possibly the most ridiculous piece of legislation I’ve ever seen.

Oh me oh my, looks like innocent little Ashlee Simpson is having her name dragged through the mud with a possible sex tape. Not like her name is anything worth keeping clean, since she’s about as wholesome as my last meal at In-N-Out. And just to clue you in, I wasn’t wearing pants, and I was dining with a couple of hookers of questionable gender.

Now I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this supposed sex tape, as the girl looks nothing like Ashlee, and it just seems too convenient. First of all, her overbearing father wouldn’t let her anywhere near a guy who could properly operate his penis, let alone camera equipment. Secondly, I can’t imagine this snobby little bitch putting a penis in her mouth without an insurmountable amount of headache, let alone getting her to do it on camera. Those two feats of impossibility would result in a migraine so powerful that maintaining an erection during fellatio would undoubtedly lead to a lethal aneurysm.

Still, if I had my choice of what to do with lil’ Ashlee, letting her mouthify my business would be on the top of the list. Reason being? She wouldn’t be able to fucking talk. Her voice is like nails on the chalkboard of my soul.

Clerks 2 Trailer

At least the guy is going back to his meat & potatoes, rather than bombarding us with another Jersey Girl.

Still, he spun around pretty quickly from that whole “no more Askewniverse flicks” clause, didn’t he? Somebody want to find me an article where he stated that, I just want to post it for posterity.

Trade Old CDs For iPods

Basically you send these fuckers a box full of your old CDs, and they send you an iPod. First instinct is that they’ll tell you that half of them (or more) are ineligible, regardless of quality or value, just so you decline the shipping charge for the return trip. But who knows, maybe the fuckers are legit, and I’m just eternally pessimistic.

So this is where you, my loyal brethren, go ahead and try the service out (or research it, I’m not picky) and tell me whether or not it’s worth my time and efforts to ship a box filled with old Spin Doctors and Ace of Base CDs.

Nintendo Video Floor (thanks whoslacks)

…*jaw drops*

I don’t really give much of a shit about Haylie Duff, because quite frankly, she’s the poor man’s version of her sister. And in my opinion, Hilary Duff looks like a blonde horse with those Goddamned veneers. A big, goofy, no-nude-scene-having horse.

…

I’d still saddle her up, ride her around a dirty stable, and put her away in the barn soaking wet.

Woman Marries Dolphin

… *stares blankly*

In a modest ceremony at Dolphin Reef in the southern Israeli port of Eilat, Tendler, a 41-year-old British citizen, apparently became the world’s first person to “marry” a dolphin.

Dressed in a white dress, a veil and pink flowers in her hair, Tendler got down on one knee on the dock and gave Cindy a kiss. And a piece of herring.

“It’s not a perverted thing. I do love this dolphin. He’s the love of my life,” she said Saturday, upon her return to London.

OK, we’re all taking this story a bit too lightly. Sure the bitch is crazy. Sure her mother would have been better off swallowing on the day she was conceived. And yeah… she’s probably uglier than sin. But that doesn’t change the fact of the matter: this woman is a threat. If she manages to breed with this bottlenosed bastard, we could be in for some big fucking trouble. Just think about a dolphin with opposable thumbs and a voicebox. Or worse, imagine a dolphin with legs! Because you know one of those fuckers will be the dolphin Chuck Norris, and learn to roundhouse kick his way across Hell and damnation. Then what the fuck will we do?

…what the fuck are we gonna do?

Uh-oh! Looks like Tom Cruise and my ex-wife Katie Holmes might have been informed by their publicists that the charade is no longer in their best interests. In other words, things are apparently on the rocks.

With a new year beginning, Cruise “decided to take the opportunity to mend fences with the family of his fiancée, Katie Holmes,” according to the upcoming issue of Life & Style Weekly. It didn’t go so well.

“Tom and Katie ended up leaving — three days earlier than planned,” according to a “close friend” of Cruise. “Katie was in tears, but that’s standard when it comes to dealing with family matters and Tom.”

I might have personal stake in this one, but I certainly hope that this bullshit is over. I’ve never believed it for a second, because it’s quite obvious that Tom is either gay, or completely asexual. At least I could believe that Chris Klein was putting the dick to her. If I had to put down hard cash, I’d bet heavily that Tom’s assault on Oprah was the closest he’s come to heterosexual sex in at least a year. And the poor fucker was whaling it, at that!

Still, there will always be another shitty celebrity couple to dominate the news right around the corner. As soon as Tomkat hits the skids, Paris Hilton will start dating Haley Joel Osmet or something equally ridiculous. Then the cycle will start anew. Ah Hollywood… why the fuck do we bother?