Category: News

Oh Britney Spears, why must you make it so easy?

A Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputy went to the Malibu home of Britney Spears on Tuesday to collect information for child welfare investigators after photos showing the pop star apparently driving with her infant son on her lap began appearing on websites.

Spears, 24, said that she was trying to escape paparazzi and that she held the baby because she feared for his safety.

The photos, by a celebrity photographer, show Spears behind the wheel of an SUV with her 4-month-old son Sean Preston on her lap instead of strapped into a rear car seat as required by law.

Wow… how does this girl not have an adequately capable publicist? Someone to tell her to put a pair of fucking shoes on, shave her idiot of a husband, and I dunno… present herself as anything other than a white trash whore with a mind equivalent to that of a junior high special ed student. Seriously, you’re under scrutiny for every single fucking thing that you do. That’s your life. That’s why you’re filthy rich, it’s a choice you made. Now you’re complaining about not getting record deals and a decline in popularity while you smoke cheap cigarettes and parade around like the queen of the trailer park. Doesn’t exactly fit, does it?

And speaking of fit, get off your husband’s popozao and get on a fucking treadmill.

I should be a publicist. I’d be the meanest, surliest, non-placative career guide you’ve ever seen, and every single one of my girls would be at the top of her game, constantly. She would also have intimate knowledge of my popozao, but that’s just part of my consulting fee.

Sim McDonalds (did PETA make this?)

It’s fun. I don’t think it had the intended effect, because I really feel like a Quarter Pounder right now, and I fucking loathe Mc’Ds burgers.

So did you all hear that Jay Mohr and Nikki Cox got engaged? Man alive, the Mohr-Cox wedding. Jay Leno’s monologue writers took an extra half hour break today thanks to this one.

I wonder how Bobcat is taking it?

OOooohhhh mercy. Why oh why did Rachel McAdams have to run away from this photo shoot:

That would have been a trifecta of hotitude. I think my retinas would be permanently scarred, like if you stare directly into the sun, or watch more than one Baz Luhrmann flick in a row. It’d be worth it though.

Britney Got Federlined Again.

Britney Spears has apparently announced that she is pregnant with her second child.

Shoppers in Malibu were stunned when the former pop princess grabbed her belly and announced to the entire centre “That’s right, number two!”.

There just isn’t enough room in this world for the seed of Kevin Federline, whether it be conceived musically, paternally, or fashion…ally. Maybe we should pack his bags, send him in a rocket to space, and then we can get a huge fucking nuke and blow up space.

When was the last time space did anything worthwhile for you, huh? This is it’s chance to shine for us, one last time.

Basic Instinct 2 Trailer (NSFW)

Wow… Sharon Stone gets all kinds of naked in that video. At least they know how to properly market a shitty sequel to a movie that… really didn’t need one.

As long as this doesn’t convince Madonna to do a followup to Body of Evidence, I’ll allow it.

Carmen Electra just did a spread for Loaded magazine that should pique your interest. Why? I’ll give you a hint: she’s got huge boobs.

*sigh*

Boner time over, back to work.

You know I’m busy at work when I don’t have the time to take 20 minutes out of my day to post here. Jesus, I think my eyes are bleeding.

Harrison Ford fucking owns Paul Bettany

Bettany, 34, spent three days attempting to ‘beat up’ the INDIANA JONES actor in choreographed shots, but insists the 63-year-old actor is unbreakable in a fight.

“I threw that man through a window seven times and he landed on his head, got up, rebuilt the window with the crew and then got thrown through it again. I hit that man in the stomach and he said, ‘Could you just land it a bit harder so I could feel it?’ So I landed it a bit harder and he wanted a bit more so he could react to it. Finally, I just wound one up and let loose on him and he said, ‘That’s it!’

“It was the most humiliating day of my life.”

Bettany is a frail little ponce, that’s for sure. But it’s pretty cool that Ford wanted him to wail on his midsection and only responded with “That’s it!” once Bettany obliged.

This is almost as pleasing to me as the time Gene Hackman beat the crap out of those assholes on the street that one time. I love when the icons who made me starry eyed as a kid can kick a little ass in their old age. It’s going to make it far more difficult if/when they finally die though. I’m not sure Harrison Ford can actually be killed though, so I might be fretting over nothing.

Time for an open letter…

Dear fuckers who bashed in my car window last night:

I appreciate the fact that your meth-addled brain probably cannot completely utilize your analytical faculties, so it’s likely that you do not have the skills nor the available tools to properly open my car’s passenger door. So I understand your need to bash the sucker in with a railroad spike. Seriously, I get it.

I would just personally like to congratulate you on being the second idiot to attempt to steal my stereo (which I paid $250 for three years ago, perhaps you should try stealing the whole car next time?) and completely fucking fail. Not only that, I’d also like to thank you for completely overlooking the numerous items in the car which individually are worth more on the street than my meager sound system.

Also, just like last time, I really do have to smile when I see the vandalism left behind during your obvious fit of frustration upon the realization that you are, indeed, the worst car stereo theif known to man. I say this, because at least the last guy who failed at this didn’t need to break the Goddamned window.

Love,
Sharkey

I’d like to meet the fellow who did this. Not for any kind of macho bluster, mind you. I’m a big motherfucker, but I’d imagine that if he had the inclination to steal my shit, he probably carries a knife and a drug-withdwrawl-induced surly disposition. And while the two haven’t yet been formally introduced, I sincerely doubt that my ribcage and a serrated blade would get along too well.

No no, I would merely like to get a look at someone so fucking incompetent at theivery that they spend more time getting angry and vandalizing the car than they do poking around to make it a better score. For example, a simple pat-down of the expensive jacket that I carelessly left on the passenger seat would have made last night a pretty worthwhile endeavor. Well done, sport. Hopefully you were stupid enough to clutch that spike in your bare hands before you sent it through the glass. But I won’t hold my breath.