Category: News

Oh hell yes. Every time Kevin Federline drops a new track, my day is brightened. He’s the 500 watt lightbulb in the cavernous wasteland of my existence.

Oh, and anyone complaining about his tarnishing of Thomas Dolby with his last track should read this. I can’t wait to see what K-Fed wears to court.

Bolt would be happy with this new and improved gallery of Emmanuelle Chriqui if his work didn’t censor what he’s allowed to do. And if he weren’t a raging homosexual who thinks that Emmanuelle is completely unattractive. What a shithead.

Anyway, new gallery for those of you who appreciate it.

It really aggrivates me that he’s such an Emmanuelle hater. Let him know what a fucking idiot he is for me, will you? And his hatred of pirates, that’s just unfuckingforgivable as well, you might want to mention that too.

[ Secrets From Inside The White House ]

This is one entertaining fucking read.

These are some facts I have witnessed and learned through my employment. Take it at face value, believe it or don’t believe it, because I’m not providing corroborating pictures, details, or evidence beyond my own testimony.

Homeland security buys in bulk and at great premium millions of dollars of useless personal appliances from China, such as rice cookers, nose hair trimmers, massage wands, and heating pads, boxes them up, and buries them in railroad shipping containers in the Arizona desert for no reason whatsoever other than to spend its budget and prevent sub-agencies from getting the funds. I suspect that the money goes to a middleman in order to secretly siphon funds into foreign organizations which we can’t support over the table, but this is just me trying to find a justification for this massive and intentional government waste.

Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because he is some super-man. He also wears nylon stockings, not because he’s gay, but to control some vascular problem with his legs which causes him intense pain.

There is a sealed room in the whitehouse which once held a half-ton block of cheese for about 30 years.

Before you call bullshit, take a read. There are a lot of folks who think that this is 100% true. A few of the facts have been backed up elsewhere, like the cheese story. Some of the stuff is scary, most of it is simply hilarious. And it’s exactly what you’d expect from the dude who wrote the greatest story ever told. (condensed)

Personally I don’t care if it’s true or not, especially considering the dude’s own personal politics. I just like the idea of Cheney gargling with a flask of peroxide and passing it around like an Oval Office doobie.

Erica Durance just landed on the cover of FHM, and I’m quite pleased with the results. You should be too. They certainly found someone hot enough to be the object of Superman’s desires. Shit, if I were the man of steel, she’d definitely make me consider using my powers for evil, especially if she played hard to get. I could probably rape the crap outta her and then do that “spin-the-Earth-backwards” technique from Superman I.

Oh shit, what am I talking about. I could just have my way with her and then do the super mindwipe kiss from II. I always wondered what was up with Lois after that whole deal. I mean she essentially added another fuck buddy to her resume and Vegas-ed it out with that smooch. If she had gotten pregnant, would Clark have just kinda stood by and hoped that the bastard couldn’t punch through walls? Or maybe he’d just drop her off a mountain or something.

…oh right, the titties. Sorry, geeked out there for a minute and forgot about the important things in life.

You’ll probably notice me fucking around with the layout and the fonts today. Don’t jump down my throat if you see something ugly, I’m probably right in the middle of a change or something. Comments/suggestions/etc are, as always, completely ignored.

…just kidding. Let’s hear some feedback.

Wow. This one is just too fucking easy.

Last week, 9 News told you about an unusual phenomenon in St. Bernard Parish that has some experts baffled. Watermelons are growing in areas devastated by Hurricane Katrina, and no one seems to be able to explain why. The story of the Katrina melons has now sparked the interest of some biologists, who are curious about just what might be inside. Gary Ross is one biologist who made the trip to investigate the melons.

“It’s a general scientific interest, and it also could be a public concern because a lot of the people who see these nice watermelons may want to immediately eat them. And they may be perfectly fine… but then they may not be.”

In the words of Mr. Miyagi: Buddha provide.

Poor Britney, she’s had a rough week. First she didn’t even place on FHM’s 100 sexiest women list, then her husband continued breathing every day, and now her baby’s skull is fractured following a fall from his high chair. If the little bastard wasn’t guaranteed to be retarded based on genetics alone, I’d feel a lot more sympathy.

On April 7, when Britney Spears and Kevin Federline realized that their baby, Sean Preston, had been sleeping more than usual, panic bells went off. Just six days earlier, the 7-month-old had taken a major fall from his high chair, a tumble that had his parents worried that he might have been critically injured.

They had every right to fret. After rushing Sean to a nearby hospital, they discovered he had a minor skull fracture (sometimes called a “scalp fracture” in babies), and a blood clot. And the doctors weren’t the only ones to take notice! The next day, the Department of Children and Family Services began looking into the incident.

Oh, it gets worse for poor Britney from there. Seems that Child Protective Services had to pay her a visit regarding baby Sean’s tumble. According to the report, it’s a pretty standard routine and has no bearing on Brit/KFed’s parenting abilities. Although isn’t this the second time they’ve had to be alerted to the white trash antics of this upper class family? I wonder if they get a free coffee mug on their third report?

I endangered my child’s existence and all I got was this lousy coffee mug.

Google Calendar

If this thing is built into Gmail, it’s going to kick some serious ass. Microsoft Outlook is going to be damned near useless pretty soon.

Hoo man, I haven’t watched “The O.C.” in awhile, and I’d sorta forgotten just how much saliva I lose every time I see a chick from that show. Take Amanda Righetti for example. I would totally… totally…

…yeah, blood loss from brain. Witty comment impossible. Me go now.

Embarrassing Sex Acts – Urethra Injury Edition

Or as its alternate title goes, “pussies, steer clear.”

Dude, the Whitney train just keeps on rolling. I’m not saying I believe in the whole thing, I’m just so enamored with the portrait of Houston that they’re painting here. Cracked out, sodomizing some other cracked out bitch in the middle of her multimillion dollar house while kids and house staff pass by.

Brown tells the Enquirer: “Whitney has a problem. She’s got to have it.

“Bobby always tells me: ‘If you only knew. She’s with this one and with that one. It’s no secret.’

“I’ve seen her with a woman a couple of times. They were walking around without their shirts on when I came in the house.”

“All The Man That I Need” is far more comical now.