Category: News

Crude Oil: $71 Per Barrel

People with appropriate portfolios should be doing a dance of glee. And many people I know who keep forwarding me those “Boycott Exxon OMFG!@#$” emails will probably throw their arms up in disgust, and suggest some other ridiculous protest that targets companies who are not part of the problem. Since I’m in a feisty mood, let’s throw out a few fuck you’s to people I deem worthy of them.

• My friends who drive hybrid cars. Don’t kid yourselves. You’re not really getting much better gas mileage, you bastards, but you do get to drive in the goddamned carpool lane. And for that, I say “fuck you.”
• Anyone with a corporate gas card/car. The company I work for can barely pay my ass, and you’re zipping around, bobbing your head to “Uptown Girl” with the A/C at full blast on someone else’s nickel. Fuck you.
• Mexicans who pack like a dozen people to a car. If it isn’t enough people to hang off the sides and give me a good laugh, then stick to the standard four or five. Twelve people in a 1987 Dodge pickup does not give you the right to drive in the carpool lane, because those excess burrito-ladened bodies cause your heavily descended vehicle to top out at a whopping 29 MPH. Ditch some weight and put your zapatos on the accelerator. Andele!
• My girlfriend, for having a father who gives her a gas card that he pays for. And one to her Dad, for being too conscientious to let an extra couple of tanks to fill my tiny car slip by on the bill every month.
• Hippies. This isn’t a holly jolly 4/20 is it, you beatnik fucks?
• People who pull up too far at the gas station at one end, when someone has done the same thing at the far end, leaving the middle area not only unused, but impossible to get into without owning a VW Bug or a clown car. I hope a passing spark from that cigarette blows you and your Escalade into a smoldering heap. …after I fill up.
• High-strung investors. This is partially your fault. Try decaf.
• Me. I think I’m so fucking high-and-mighty. What a pompous prick.

I would like to extend the opposite of “Fuck you” to Iran and Venezuela. Let’s all play nice with ourselves and our neighbors so I can drive my shitheap in peace.

Every once in awhile, I get the esteemed privilege to bring you something unbelievably amazing. Today is one of those days. Do not fucking miss this.

And while I’m pretty sure this website isn’t his, it still features some excellent mp3s. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that dude in the top right poster from some shitty 80’s karate flick?

Baby Cruise is Born (thanks Lunamay)

I guess Tom Cruise will be dining on placenta (thanks rckicks) tonight. No word on whether or not Katie Holmes has kept up her vow of silence.

You ever wonder if they’re using all of this negative publicity to cover something terrible up? Who would willingly allow this much bad press to ruin what was previously a glorious career?

You know, his other trailers kind of sucked too. I’ll reserve judgement until I actually see the flick.

…but if you want my opinion, it’ll probably be disappointing.

There’s a new gallery of Kelly Brook up on SOTD from the pages of GQ magazine. All I can say is that Billy Zane does not deserve to fuck that, but I won’t sic Unidor on him. For some reason he made me laugh in Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight, and I haven’t been able to properly hate him since.

She’s apparently got a little bit of tech know-how too, as she stated in GQ:

“I can’t understand why people would want to make sex tapes. Especially knowing what could happen. Why record it?”If you like to see yourself, just stream it live. Have your tripod, get your video camera and your telly and that way you can watch I as you’re going.’

Wow. There are a lot of streaming things that I’d like to involve Kelly in. Hopefully she’d be down for those as well.

Google Calendar (thanks Bongy for the heads up)

Guess it’s ready for public consumption. So far I think it’s pretty excellent, hopefully they integrate the whole shebang into Gmail. I wonder when they’ll have a tool to pop it into the personalized Google frontend.

Texas Halts Controversial In-Bar Arrests – Another smart move. The bad press shitstorm was pretty overwhelming.

A controversial Texas program to send undercover agents into bars to arrest drunks has been halted after a firestorm of protest from the public.

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission has “temporarily suspended” what it called “Operation Last Call” even though it still believes it was worthwhile, commission spokeswoman Carolyn Beck said on Thursday.

I thought that drunkened hee-hawin’ was a rite of passage in Texas. Don’t they make moonshine down there too? I hold Bongweasel personally responsible for all of this bullshit, as he is now our Texas MoFo representative. I would say that Bud is our ambassador for all Texan things boozaholic, but the man is married with a child now, not to mention being 1000 miles away. The guy may as well buy a plot and a headstone and lie down in the casket at this point.

• Final Fantasy III DS – Yet another unknown-to-Americans Final Fantasy game is being retrofitted for mass consumption. I’m stoked on this one, because not only will the game be new to me, but the graphics look fanfuckingtastic. I heard the game was actually very good, so let’s hope that the revamp does it justice.

  Teaser trailer here, just to give you a little more meat on this Good Friday.
  
  A lot of people are pissed that this isn’t Final Fantasy VI, or the American III. I’m not. I’ll be happy with the GBA rerelease coming this year, I don’t need graphical enhancements and such for a game that I have high nostalgic love for. Putting in better graphics and such might ruin the experience for me.

• Ace Combat X for PSP – This just gets me horny all over. I love the Ace Combat series (except for one of em, I forget which) and I’m stoked that I’ll finally be able to play one of ’em on the go.
• Daisenryaku DS: Great Strategy – This one intrigues me greatly. It basically looks like what Advanced Wars DS should have been: a graphically rocking version of Advanced Wars. Instead, it was basically a sequel with touch-screen capabilities. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but they could have done a lot more in my opinion. This game, on the other hand, looks gorgeous. Hopefully they decide to release it in the US.

  

• Ubisoft Dumps Starforce – Good move on their part.
• What you’re seeing here is an in-WoW funeral for a real life girl that died. I blatently stole this from the forum, because it’s fucked up and hilarious all at the same time.

  You see, the girl died in real life, and her clan friends decided to have a memorial for her in-game character. Problem is, they decided to hold it in a very PVP-heavy area, and publicize the location. Needless to say, a rival clan decided to turn the service into a massive slaughter. The resulting bitchiness makes for an entertaining afternoon read, especially if you haven’t ever played WoW and find it as incredibly nerdy as I do.

  Messed up? Yes. Funny? Very.

What can I say about Elsa Pataky that hasn’t already been said by her amazing body? Nothing, that’s what. So I won’t. I wouldn’t dare.

If you want to know more about her, try her personal website. It’s chock full of information that you probably don’t care about.

Tiger Woods: Sorry For Saying Something Totally Acceptable

Tiger Woods apologized for using the term “spaz” to describe his putting during the Masters, a remark that was criticized outside the United States as insensitive.

Woods’ agent, Mark Steinberg, said in a statement posted on Woods’ Web site that the world’s top-ranked golfer was “poking fun at himself and meant no disrespect to anyone.”

In several countries, “spaz” is an offensive term for people with cerebral palsy. London-based Scope, formerly the Spastics Society, denounced Woods’ remark as “appalling and insensitive,” and international newspapers also criticized him.

Wow. So he used a word that is perfectly innocuous where he comes from, and a bunch of limeys get upset because the term means something mildly offensive on their rainy little island. Boo-fucking hoo. I don’t hear gay people getting pissed at the brits for calling cigarettes “fags.” I know he’s a public figure and everything, but does the guy have to watch every word that comes out of his filthy rich mouth?

What a retard.