Category: News

Jacinda Barrett holds a special place in my uh… heart, as she’s the first Real World chick that I actually got to see naked, who was actually on a season that I watched. Of course, her shitty season was the reason that I halted watching altogether, but that’s beside the point. I forgot what the actual point is though, so let’s just enjoy her gallery quietly while I pop a few pills.

Oh right, Jacinda is going to be in Poseidon this weekend, which will likely suck. But there’s always the chance for full frontal nudity from the cute lil’ Aussie, which I’m totally on board with.

Speaking of Brett Ratner (and, sadly, not about what a fucking tool he is) and his lackluster filmmaking abilities (nevermind, I guess we are) there’s a brand-spankin’ new 7-minute clip of X-3 online over at the Dell website. Head on over and enjoy.

Oh, and the only review I’ve seen so far of the flick (sorry for the fatty link) says that it stinks. Not surprising, but I hold on to that last shred of hope.

It’s been a five year joke in Hollywood that Chris Tucker is the actor with the highest price tag possible. A joke, because since he slapped that $25 million clearance tag on his chest, he hasn’t had a single fucking job. Not one. And it seemed like his IMDB profile would stay stuck at Rush Hour 2 (2001) until Jesus called him home, which considering the grosses on that particular film, wouldn’t be such a bad fate.

Until now, that is.

Did you see the reports last week that “Rush Hour 3” was on track at New Line?

The initial stories said that star Chris Tucker had signed on the dotted line for $20 million. But I can tell you that it was more — $25 million, in fact. That may make him and Will Smith the two highest paid actors in the world, with Tucker having a slight advantage.

Before those movies, he had small parts in “Jackie Brown” and “Money Talks,” two 1997 releases. He also appeared in 1997’s “The Fifth Element.”

Wow. He totally doesn’t deserve that kind of cheddar, but kudos to him for actually pulling this crazy fucking scheme off.

I love my DS, it is my evil master. And thus, I must quench its hunger for new blood by feeding it games that I’d occasionally like to kick myself for owning. And now, thanks to E3, the overlord of my digital soul will demand nourishment in new forms. Here’s where my hard (ha!) earned dollars will go sometime later this year:

• Final Fantasy III – I’m stoked that I never bothered playing a translated emulator of this game. Now I have the express pleasure of trying out its newly revamped 3D form with no prior nostalgia to muck up the works.

  For those of you who haven’t heard, this is not a remake of the US Final Fantasy III. That’s coming out on GBA later this year as well, though. This is the original FFIII (the one that came before IV, which was II here in the US… grab an aspirin) remade in killer 3D and touch screen excellence. According to all of the reports I’ve read, it’s amazing. I can’t wait to get my hands on it.

• Star Fox DS (video) – Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

  Anybody else think that the Gamecube version of Starfox was a complete fucking waste of time? Good, glad to hear it. The SNES and N64 versions were bonafied gold, and the awesome new capabilities of the Gamecube were used to strip away just about every ounce of fun that made the series famous.
  
  I’m not so sure about the touch screen being used for the entirety of the control scheme, but hey, I’ll give it a shot. Besides, just about every touch-based game Nintendo has released has felt… good. Like, really good. And everyone who’s touched Star Fox DS has come away smiling with glee, so I guess the sucker works.

  At least, it had better fucking work.

• Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass – Duh.

Holy crap in a pile of feta cheese, how have I never heard of Moran Atias before?!?

This little Hebrew princess is about all I can stand. I don’t think my penis can want to touch something more than this, this might have just maxed me out for horny bastardness.

…wait, her touching that Elin Grindemyr chick from last week. …alright, nevermind. Maxed out, what the fuck was I thinking?

Everyone’s being really hard on the big S this week, but their offerings aren’t all bad. I’ll use this space to highlight a few of the uh… highlights from Sony’s neck of the woods:

• Warhawk – YES. I’ve been waiting for a new damned Warhawk game forever. Too bad they’ll be taking out all of the really shitty FMV, that was part of the original game’s charm.

  Oh, and thanks Bongweasel for the buzzkill.

• PS3 Game Prices To Be $70-80 – OK, this isn’t very good news. But… it’s Sony news and this is where it belongs. Oh, and do you know where this price structure belongs?

  That’s right Billy, the correct answer is “Up Ken Kutaragi’s ass.”

• Resident Evil 5 Announced – It’ll be on the PS3 and 360, not any Nintendo systems. Maybe Sony will pull off some rad PS3-exclusive content or something.

Stupid Nintendo, doing stupid shit that makes you mock them for years and then when they finally roll it out, you salivate over the whole shebang. It’s kind of like that South Park episode where everyone was riding around on the personal movement devices that you had to shove up your ass and blow to control. Yeah, it’s amazing and innovative, but can we eliminate just a little bit of the faggotry?

Well, here’s what’s going to be gleefully shoved up our collective asses later this year. Wiiii!

• Wii Lightgun Add-on – It’s been awhile since I cared about a light gun game, but I can see actually using this thing.
• Engadget’s Walkthrough of the Nintendo Booth – Has photos of all of the peripherals, including the dual analog Wii controller designed for retro games.
• Wii’s Opera Browser – The thing will be on 24/7 downloading developer content, and you’ll be able to surf the web with it. Totally unnecessary, but… kind of cool.
• Ubisoft Praises Wii, Shuns PS3 – God damn, it’s like international “Everybody Suck Nintendo’s Dick” week. And the problem is, there’s good reason to put your fucking mouth there. So frustrating, but so pleasing at the same time.

If the Wii doesn’t open with Mario going “WHEEEE!” or something, I’ll be sorely disappointed.

If you’re like me, and don’t want to sift through 8 bajillion news stories to see the boner-inspiring footage from E3, then this post should help you reach maximum stiffness with minimal effort.

• Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess – Showcasing the Wii version of the game, and how the controller works with it. And uh… the depth of sound idea that they reveal with the controller is actually, I hate to say this, a good fucking idea. Not to mention the tingle of excitement in my loins when the Zelda chime kicked in.

  The game looks amazing, and I’m very very sad that I really really want to shoot a bow and arrow with that stupid looking controller. Especially since I’ll say “Wiiiii!” every time I draw the bow back.

  Oh, and here’s the trailer.

• Super Mario Galaxy – Um… so yeah, I guess I’m buying a Wii. Fuck!
• Spore – Bongweasel clued me into this game a lonnnnng time ago, and he hasn’t really shut up about it since. Every time I see a trailer like this, I realize why.
• Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots – Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAAKE!!! *bang*
• Halo 3 – And now I have to get a 360. My poor wallet.
• Heavenly Sword – OK, maybe the PS3 will be worthwhile after all.

  …After the second or third price drop.

• Metroid Prime 3 – I got bored with the first two, but actually pointing and shooting with the controller sounds like fun.

  …or it’ll really fucking hurt after awhile. We’ll see.

• Final Fantasy XIII – A bit of a modification to the battle system, but the cutscenes are straight up Square-porn. I also appreciate the fact that they’ve given in and made the main character a chick, and not in some girl-power intensive shit like X-2. After all, they’ve been making us play as effeminate characters for the last decade, may as well go whole hog and give him tits and a pussy to match the emo attitude and primped hair.

Alright, the list is getting long. I’ll keep adding them as they come along.

Thus far I’ve barely seen anything worth grabbing some Kleenex® over from the PS3 front. I know it’s still really early in the game for them, but it’s still really early in the game for Nintendo as well, and look at what they’re showing off. Even Mario fucking Hoops looked kinda fun, which really hurts me to say.

Poor David Blaine. He wanted to set the world record for holding his breath, and he failed. Now he can go apply moisturizer on a fat pile of cash and nurse his wounds.

If you haven’t heard about the Sony press conference yesterday, you’re sorely out of the loop. The big S revealed the pricing structure for the PS3, which a lot of people had speculations about. The rumors of a huge price hike ran rampant, while dedicated Sonyers held tight to the hopes that the price would sail in under the smoothly affordable mark.

And then, of course, Sony shit all over those hopes. The price point for the two versions of the PS3 are as follows:

• PlayStation 3 w/ 20GB HDD – US$499
• PlayStation 3 w/ 60GB HDD – US$599

Mind you, the “cheaper” PS3 is about as complete as 99% of the Rubicks cube’s ever purchased, but it sure is nice of them to offer us a nearly-completely crippled option for a hundred bucks less. Aside from the 40 Gig drop, you’re also dropping memory stick, Wi-Fi, and 1080p support. Why not just sell us a white racing stripe to put down the side of the PS2 instead, because considering all the hype surrounding those features, that’s what you may as well be playing.

Then you’ve got the revolutionary (irony coming in a second) controller design. Thank God, they finally realized that we didn’t want to play with a miniature boomerang. But of course, it’s the third console and about time to revamp that archaic design, right? What can we expect for our hard-earned shekels?

Brilliant. And no rumble functionality either. Sony states that this is due to the intereference with the Bluetooth, but there are a few other theories on its exclusion.

All in all, a totally underwhelming (and slightly angering) opening from Sony. After you pay for taxes and buy a single game, the console is going to cost a MINIMUM of $720 just to get started. Meanwhile the Xbox 360 is pretty much identical, has Xbox Live already up and running, and a slew of games by the time the PS3 hits the shelves. Then of course, you have the Wii, which actually looks like it might have some fun games for a cheap price. Somehow Sony is setting itself up for a severe kick to its tiny Japanese balls, and I’m just wondering why the “visionaries” who retooled the industry are now busy playing catch up.

*sigh*

I’ll still buy one though. Miserable cocksuckers.