Category: News

Look, I’ve got a rather long rant below about this Jack Thompson vs. Adam Sessler video, but for the sake of brevity I’m going to break it down into simple terms for you: as “common sense” as it may seem, you can’t fight this jackass with opinions. If he were arguing that the moon were made of cheese, you would need hard fucking evidence to the contrary, because he’s a lawyer. He’s going to have a research study proving that there is in fact a high concentration of lactose in the goddamned moon rocks. As asinine as it all sounds, he’d have you over a barrel.

OK, now onto my thoughts, which I’ve transcribed from the forum for you.

A lot of people are cheering on Sessler in this little debate. To those folks I pose this question: What interview were you watching? Sessler stated opinions rather than fact. Thompson is a lawyer, and used real facts and figures in order to deliver his rather retarded message to the masses. If this were a court of law, Sessler would have been spanked and Thompson would have walked out with the win in under a few minutes. While we all sit around and argue about the ridiculousness of his statements, Thompson is going around gladhanding politicians, digging up research, and getting funding for research studies that prove his point. You can’t come at a lawyer with opinions and “common sense” statements, no matter how right they may seem. He’ll always have some fact or figure to throw out in response.

I feel bad that this is the best representation that the gaming community can muster against this guy.

Gaming companies recently got their shit together and, much to our chagrin, canned the overindulgent spectacle that was E3. They also got their shit together in the past and attempted to put a self-regulating board in place to rate and monitor game content. This prick, who should be powerless other than the fact that we give him a voice by acknowledging him and making him more famous, is threatening that ability to self regulate.

If the industry has any brains, or balls, or both, it will come together in recognition of the problem that they have allowed to come to fruition and do something about it. Get a goddamned lawyer poster boy to fight for the industry. Get the ESRB back into the limelight and discussing the topics. Acknowledge that while violent games do cause an increase in agression they don’t necessarily lead to an increase in violence or violent behavior. Get some studies done, get some facts on paper. Get moving.

But then again, just knowing a few dozen people from as many game companies and publishers over the years, it’ll take massive destruction before anyone mobilizes and gets into gear. So we’ll keep debating Thompson on his turf in his arena and losing ground, while he continues to build evidence that leads us to 1984-like control over our content. So really, it’s the industry’s choice. Continue languishing in apathy all the while giving this jagoff more power by fighting him in a battle that he will consistently win, or take his voice away by doing something positive for itself.

Tucker Max: The Midget Story

Say what you will about Tucker Max, the fucker leads a charmed and interesting life. This story makes my heart sing with happiness, thanks to comments like this:

See, this is why you need good friends. When you have a chance to fuck a midget, they’ll let you use their place. That should be one of the measures of how good a friendship is: Will your buddy let you fuck a midget in his bed? If the answer is yes, then you know that dude is solid.

I’m pretty sure that last bit should have been in the Bible, or at least Sun Tzu’s “Art of War.”

I’m sure everyone will complain about the components used and whatnot, but fuck you, this is a pretty decent starter’s guide to putting a bitchin’ Touchscreen Media PC in your car. I’m like, perma-hard at the idea of this. Although I’m surprised the fuckers didn’t pop a wifi card in this sucker. There’s so much free wifi in my area, I’d definitely want the ability to just pull up alongside a coffee shop and get some news updates or download some new songs.

Speaking of hard, btw…

Holly Valance. So fucking hot.

I just crashed into the Matterhorn thanks to this clever little game that lets you fly a plane over specific coordinates of Google maps. Im gonna go crash into my house right now.

Anybody seen this spread of Heidi Klum from Esquire magazine? It’s… fantastic. I mean we’ve all seen various parts of her anatomy that are barely covered up in this spread, but this shoot is just excellent. Especially when you consider that she’s given birth to the seed of Seal, she’s still got a body that makes normal men hand over their wallets with a slight jiggle of her ass.

Little known fact: I keep a maximum of $20 in my wallet at all times, just in case I ever do run across Heidi on a busy Los Angeles street. If I’m gonna lose, I’m gonna lose small.

Ever heard of a “bumpkey?” A lot of you probably have at this point, but the rest of you might want to check out this video. It’s basically a filed down key that you bump with a slight bit of force, and it pops open a wide majority of locks. Pretty neat stuff, I suggest you start stealing from your neighbors and sending me a 10% cut for turning you on to this amazing technology.

Starfox Command DS Review

It’s got strategy and action elements, which makes me wonder if they’re listening at all. Give me Starfox for the SNES and Starfox for the N64 rolled into one radical explosion of gaming orgasm, spitting spermlike projectiles of mission-based goodness right into everyone’s faces. Mucking things up with land-based vehicles, getting out of the ships, and strategy… that’s a surefire way to piss me off. And when I get pissed off, my disposable income shifts heavily from the “games and dvds” arena to the “booze and strippers” section of the budget.

I’m still going to buy this though, because I have booze and a girlfriend, who is like a stripper, only more expensive.

I know that I’ve turned quite a few of you literate sons of bitches into Nick Twisp fans, so it behooves me to inform you that there are two new Twispian novels available for your mental consumption.

The first, “Youth And Revolting: The Continental Journals of Nick Twisp,” chronicles the next phase of Nick’s adventures after the events of “Revolting Youth.” There’s a keen sample up on C.D. Payne’s website. And just for good measure, you can order it here.

The second was a bit of a surprise when I first heard about it, but I totally support the idea of C.D. Payne writing more in the same genre because the dude fucking owns it like a racist southern landowner before those damn yankees came along and ruined everything. It’s called “Revoltingly Young:The Journals of Nick Twisp’sYounger Brother” (the guy comes up with some original titles, no?) and what do you know, there’s yet another sample, you lucky prick. And of course, because I’m nice, here’s a spot to order the sum’bitch. I’ll be doing so in just a moment.

Thirdly, Harold “Egon from Ghostbusters” Ramis co-wrote the shitty Weatherman song from Groundhog Day. True story. Slap him if you ever see him.

I’m about to run out of the office right now, but I couldn’t deprive you from Jessica Simpson’s nipples for even 2 mere hours.

Top row of pictures, blue dress, see through excellence. I’ll update this post when I get back, I trust that you can handle things without a thumbnail and an adequate description until then.

Cue Nelson: “Ha-Ha!”