Category: News

After quite some time with a bricked Tivo, I’ve finally come back into possession of a DVR. Problem is, I don’t watch anything on TV anymore. “Lost” doesn’t start up for months, and most everything else is in reruns. So far I have the thing recording “Entourage,” because I caught an episode last week and liked it, and “The Simpsons,” because God commands it. Besides this, I can’t think of anything to record. So let’s use this space to make suggestions on what I should be fillin this sum’bitch up with.

Oh and for reference, we’ve got all the pay channels. Which, at the moment, allows us to watch Wedding Crashers about 40 times per month.

She’s a really classy broad. Is that coke in the background?

You remember that whole experiment to see if like a million people jumping at once would cause a minor earthquake? Well I’d like to hold an experiment like that. Except that instead of jumping, we’re wishing for actual naked photos of Lindsay Lohan, and instead of an earthquake, we’re trying to cause… Lindsay to fuck on camera somewhere.

Start wishin’, bitches! Wish with all your might!

Esoteric in the forums drew my attention to another Woot-off. If you missed the last time I linked to Woot, it’s a site that sells one cool item at dirt-cheap prices every single day until they run out of inventory. The cool thing about a Woot-off is that every time they run out of inventory on an item, they just move to the next item. Sometimes it’s hard drives for next to nothing, other times (like now) it’s one of those vacuum cleaners.

Little known fact: Dave & Luke, who run longtime BAMF pal Geeklife, are the coders behind Woot. You learn somethin’ new every day.

Paris Hilton made the Guinness Book of World Records. That’s no fucking joke, she’s going to be in the 2007 book, and it has nothing to do with being a whore. Well, nothing directly to do with being a whore…

Ms. Hilton has made it into the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records, but it may not be for a reason she’d particularly enjoy. While Britney Spears or Tom Cruise were probably somewhere close behind, Paris takes the crown for our favorite record ever — Most Overrated Person.

A spokesperson for the book says it took its info from a number of magazine polls. Readers voted on their least favorite and most overrated celebrity and Hilton’s name kept coming up on top.

…

Seriously, even if this is a slam on Paris, what damage do you think this will do to her vapid little psyche? Telling her that she’s overrated is like going back to 1988 and telling David Hasselhoff that he has a mullet. …or wait, shit, it’s like going back to yesterday and telling him that he has a mullet, but that’s besides the point. She knows that she’s overrated, she’s practically built her “career” around that simple fact. That and her whoreness. So giving her an “ironic” award in an attempt to slam her is basically just another notch on her incredibly notch-resistant bedpost, because I’m pretty sure that she knows why she is famous, and why we pay attention. Fuck, she put out an entire music album thanks to the fact that she can party like a hobag and will fuck on camera. I can name quite a few ex-girlfriends that share similar qualities, minus the millions of dollars in a trust fund somwhere. And they aren’t recognized by Guinness in the slightest. Except for Alicia, but that’s for reasons that stay between me and my therapist.

The point is, let her fucking die off until she puts out another sex video. Please. Because… because we need another one.

Witness, my friends, the only assholes stupid enough to guess the joke answer on Double Dare. Those kids must be grown up by now, and if I were them, I’d kick my dad in the balls for allowing such humiliation. Then I’d kick my mom in her balls for mating with such a foul cretin.

*sigh* Then on with the suicide.

Man oh man, Lindsay Lohan has some excellent milksacks. She just had to go ahead and give us a preview of them while getting into her car, so… enjoy.

Seriously, she’s going to wind up a big fucking coke whore and she’s about as useful as Lance Armstrong’s other nutsack, but holy crap do I love looking at Lindsay Lohan in compromising situations. Hopefully she decides to take this Paris/Lindsay rivalry to the next level, and put out a bigger, longer, better sex tape than her blonde slut counterpart.

It has seriously been a long-ass time since I was able to report on stuff to buy, and I’m pretty excited that there are actually DVDs and other consumer goods worth laying down my hard-earned shekels to obtain. This week is a special week for me, because a DVD set that I’ve been waiting (no joke) since 2001, when the first season was released. So without further ado, I shed a tear for the greatest season of one of the greatest shows of all time:

• The Simpsons: Season 8 – Oh sweet Jesus, I praise thee for this season of the Simpsons. I would burn down the senior citizens home from Cocoon just to get this boxed set to my doorstep one single day sooner. Let me break down for you, why this is THE season of the show to own.
  1. You Only Move Twice – Hank. Fucking. Scorpio. One of the top 5 episodes of all time. Homer goes to work for the nicest Bond villain ever. I can’t even submit a favorite quote from this episode, I’d wind up stating the entire goddamned thing verbatim.
  2. Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment – The “Beer Baron” episode. Also a top 5 episode of all time.

     “Goin’ bowling! Not back, avenge death!”

  3. Ozmodiar.
  4. Johnny Cash.

     “IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTE!”

  5. Just read about the rest of the episodes. Almost every single episode of season 8 is amazing. If you don’t agree, go fuck yourself with the glaive from Krull.
• Apocalypse Now – 2 Disc Dossier Edition – Do I need to say anything else about this? Go buy it.
• Final Fantasy: Dirge of Cereberus – I don’t know if it’s going to be any good, but hey, it’s Final Fantasy and I’m a consumer whore. Especially for Square.

Short list, but hey, it’s something. Which is more than I can say about the last few months. Besides, I’ll be too busy watching Simpsons Season 8 over and over again to notice that everything else is shit.

I’m seeing Brian Regan, a comedian that my gf turned me onto, later this month. I was perusing youtube looking for some of his stuff today, and found his Comedy Central special and figured that you all might appreciate his style.

We may as well use this space to talk about comedians we enjoy, because… well, Mitch Hedberg died and it’ll take a few dozen comedians to fill that void. I’ve supplied one, so let’s get crackin’ on the rest.

So the FedEx driver came by this afternoon with a package, but it required certified payment. IE: I need to go get a freakin’ money order, and pay FedEx directly. Grand. The driver was a nervous little fellow, told me that it was his first week, which should have been the first red flag. He told me that if I wanted the package sooner, he could either come back or I could meet him across the street (where my bank and FedEx/Kinkos reside) between 3 and 4PM when he stopped here for his break. I told him that, since I’d be across the street anyway, I’d just pop into his branch and nab it from him.

It is now 3:35, and I finally resorted to purchasing internet access to pass the time. It’s funny, because the guy already apologized to me profusely for his unprofessional manner, and noted that he was nervous due to his first week and was hopeful for his future career with the company. I can’t go home and wait for redelivery because I noted that on the hang tag, it had been stated that I would pick it up. This means that the package will, after today, be on its way to a real FedEx location about 20 minutes away. So now, angered though I may be, there lies the conundrum:

Do I make up some bullshit to his superiors stating that he was clearly high/drunk when arriving at my house, or merely resort to viciously reaming him in front of the store when he arrives?

Ohmibod.com

These motherfuckers are going to be rich.