Category: News

A clip from Tom Green’s internet show, featuring a nitrous-huffing Steve-O talking about… fucking. A wide variety of it.

And in other news of self-aware douchebaggery, here’s the video of K-Fed getting his staged bodyslam on WWF Raw last night.

…*tap*

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but… you might want to watch WWF Raw tonight. Because among the normal stable of rehearsed action, soap-opera quality drama, and dudes sweating all over one another, you’ll get to see someone harm Kevin Federline.

During a taped episode of “Monday Night RAW” last night in Los Angeles, Federline made a surprise appearance in the ring and received a chorus of boos from the sold-out crowd at the Staples Center. After an argument between K-Fed and Cena got a little physical, Cena unleashed his signature move — the F-U slam — on Mr. PopoZao.

Also, you may not have caught his amazing appearance on CSI. This combination of roles leads me to beleive that the guy truly accepts his lot in life. He’s the luckiest piece of white trash on the planet, and most people generally wish him physical harm. He is obliging. Maybe someone should buy him a beer.

…After he gets hurt a couple more times, of course.

If any of you want to try a fun project over the weekend that will leave you screaming in anger and frustration, I have a suggestion. Try installing Windows Server 2003 onto an unpartitioned fresh-out-of-the-box server with no CD-ROM drive, using only a USB Hard Drive and a lot of prayer.

I’m still waiting for the prayer part to kick in.

My intention, dear reader, has always been to use this site as a means to entertain, inform, entice, and in all cases possible, openly mock. Unfortunately, I’ve been sick all week, coughing up horrible atrocities all over my friends and loved ones. All the while, I’ve had to prepare for about a month’s worth of work crammed into a 2 week timespan. This left little time for me to get my thoughts and outright hatred onto a computer screen, until now. So I apologize, if you’ve felt deprived of your usual quota of spite this week. As one of my favorite poets so eloquently stated: “I love hate, and hate everything else” and therefore I have an acute loathing for anything that deprives me of sharing this with you.

To get things back into gear, I’d like to share with you a tale that involves something that I actually enjoy: my new television. My cousin and I had a running bet as to who would be the first to purchase the abomination that was Brett Ratner’s X-Men III, a bet that I knew was an easy win for the home team. My good friend and blood relative called to concede defeat sometime this weekend. He was ashamed. He had gone to Target, seen the “special edition” that was on sale, and his will was subsequently broken. This call was immediately followed with an extremely satisfying addendum: when he opened the case he found a sealed copy of the Jim Cameron masterpiece: Terminator 2: Judgement Day.

I suggested to him that this was indeed the will of God, and that perhaps he had been spared a far more dire fate by being given this opportunity to cleanse his collection of such rubbish. Since he already owned a copy of the 1994 Schwarzenegger film, he told me to shut the fuck up and returned it.

We watched it the other night. He, drunk off his ass; I, hopped up on the Nyquil®. And we came up with this startling discovery: the movie is ten times as bad the second time. It was awful. It was laughable. It was only enjoyable on the basest of “MST3K” levels. It was the first time that I could not find a single deleted scene on a DVD that would have added value to a film.

This brings me, my interweb friend, to the real reason for this post. And that is a deleted scene that made us both fall out of our chairs, gasping at our chests in hysterics. An homage so terrible that it made me wish horrifying death upon all who participated in its creation. Unfortunately, the only verision I could find involves a voiceover from someone (I’m assuming Ratner) explaining the inspiration for such a travesty. Share in the hate with me, my brothers:

…

I hate you Brett. Thank you for that.

Google Acquires Youtube For $1.65 Billion.

…

Billion.

Google Inc. said Monday it’s buying No. 1 Internet video sharing Web site YouTube Inc. for $1.65 billion in stock. The deal is regarded as a largely defensive one that leapfrogs Google into a leading role in a burgeoning Internet marketplace. Moreover, the Google/YouTube deal highlights how Google and other Internet companies are betting heavily on video to attract more customers and generate more advertising revenue. Indeed, many analysts chiming in on the deal Monday suspect Google’s competitors will now seek to buy YouTube-wannabes in order to keep pace with their rival. On Monday, the boards of directors of both Google and YouTube approved the terms of the deal, which was announced after the market closed for the day.

… 2 owners. Just over 60 employees.

Fucking billion.

Excellent clip from Inside Edition circa 1988, hosted by Bill O’Rielly no less, regarding the “Nintendo phenominon.”

It had Howard Philips (from the Nester comics!) and Bill White, both of whom I am ashamed to know plenty of facts about. Philips, for example, was one of the first people in North America to play Donkey Kong, and was just about the only person at Nintendo of America who thought that the game was any good.

I share these bits of information with you, because if I shared them with my girlfriend, she wouldn’t have sex with me.

Lego® Ice Cube Trays

This is the raddest thing I’ve seen in weeks. They have a lot of other cool stuff over there too, go check it out.

Behind the scenes of Lord of the Rings, had it been directed by George Lucas.

George Lucas seems to think that he’s got the answer to the movie industry’s woes: quitting it altogether. Although he is correct, I’m afraid his heart just isn’t in the right place. See, as opposed to realizing that he’s lost his fucking marbles and just can’t cut it as a creative force, he just merrily comes to the conclusion that the film industry as it stands is doomed.

George Lucas has a message for studios that are cutting their slates and shifting toward big-budget tentpoles and franchises: You’ve got it all wrong.

The creator of “Star Wars,” which stamped the template for the franchise-tentpole film, says many small films and Web distribution are the future.

“We don’t want to make movies. We’re about to get into television. As far as Lucasfilm is concerned, we’ve moved away from the feature film thing because it’s too expensive and it’s too risky.

“I think the secret to the future is quantity,” Lucas said.

Quantity. Yes. Kind of like the latest Star Wars trilogy, where you gave us massive quantities of suck dusted with a few sprinkles of quality glaze. If you can’t even mildly entertain me with a lightsaber battle, you have officially failed at life. I can’t wait to see what horrors he puts the franchise through on the small screen. Considering the Star Wars Christmas special, and the made-for-TV Ewok films, I’m so fucking excited I could shit another prequel.

If there’s one thing that you, the faithful reader, should have picked up over the years it is this: I am a gigantic prick. But coming in with a respectable silver medal is the fact that I cannot, and will not, play any MMO RPGs. The level of nerdiness that it requires is simply too great. And as anyone who knows me can attest, I am proud of my nerdly heritage. I flaunt it. I wave it around in your face and make 8-bit game noises while doing the Mario. Yet somehow my nerd RAM level comes in just below the system requirements to install Everquest and the like.

I did install Star Wars Galaxies one time though, and was amused for five minutes by my girlfriend’s discovery that crouching made it appear as though one were fellating another character.

That said, I’m not exactly sure what to think of Whores of Warcraft, which features WoW themed pornography starring some well-knownish fake-tittied sperm receptacles. On the one hand, you’ve got a fetish that blips onto my Doppler® “What The Fuck” Radar somewhere between furries and girls-wearing-casts. On the other hand, there are naked women having sex which, thanks to the possibilities of comedy and/or hotness, is rarely a bad thing. And having been dragged to a renaissance festival once, I can attest that the chances for hilarity are as high as I was on that horrible day.

It costs $7.95 for each episode, which is sort of laughable considering the audience. Aren’t these a bunch of tubby nerds (or Korean kids) sitting around in a basement somewhere reading BluesNews all day and night? I’m thinking that this will be pirated rather quickly, which is quite humorous considering the heavy piratey themed emphasis of the content. Still, if anyone decides to plunk down the shekels and wants to share this bounty with me, I’ll be much obliged. Especially if you keep your filthy fucking hands off of me.