Category: News

I miss the days of internet past. When I first started BAMF, a major function of the web was to keep me informed of new and upcoming movies, especially the prequels to the Star Wars flicks. I used to sit online waiting for new information, salivating for that next crucial bit of spoiler knowledge that would make me feel all warm and fuzzy regarding Episode 1.

…then, of course, Episode 1 came out.

Now I’m not deluding myself, I know that making fun of the Star Wars flicks has become fairly passe. Once Weird Al has made the move to parody the franchise, the ability to mock the films with impunity has all but dissolved. But I felt compelled to revisit the subject thanks to the marathon that Cinemax has decided broadcast across two separate channels all weekend. It amazes me that Lucas allowed such a thing to happen, as the original trilogy brings an amazingly sharp focus upon any of the millions of horrible atrocities that exist within the prequel trilogy. I feel the need to discuss a couple of particular gripes that revolve around plagiarism. Completely idiotic plagiarism, but plagiarism nonetheless. I’ll stick to these topics and not move past them, just to keep things on target.

Ripoff Source Material:

1. Wayne’s World: We all cringed when Jar Jar said “Exqueeze Me.” It hurt. It hurt real deep. Tragically, there was no Garth to retort with “Sheeyah… right” and bring emotional closure to the scene. Instead we bled profusely from the soul for the duration of the film. And all for… the kids? Except no kids circa 1999 were old enough to see the Mike Meyers classic so… it was fairly useless. Unless Lucas mean to appeal to the child inside of me, in which case, the child inside of me calls him a dirty faggot, because faggot was an acceptably innocent phrase at that point in my life.

   Future me calls him a faggot too.

2. Stephanie & Michelle Tanner: “How Rude” was used so many times, I’m surprised that the Olsen twins don’t just retire as wealthy whores and begin dressing in large and obnoxious clothing in order to disguise their cocaine and diet pill addictions.
3. Looney Tunes: Damn near anything that the robots say in this trilogy is a direct ripoff of some old Warner Bros animated short. “Roger Roger” is a prime example of a way that George Lucas wants to cause us physical harm. Not to mention the fact that robots do not say “Um…” repeatedly throughout the duration of a conversation. Unless they run on 386 processors, and are trying to run Monkey Island 2 along with the program that allows them to say ridiculously uncharacteristic things. That’s Windows bloat for you though.
4. Mexican Jamaicans: Nossa woman nossa cry. Es muy malo.

Thankfully, Rifftrax is taking on The Phantom Menace, which I still found to be considerably better than Revenge of the Sith. Even though Obi-Wan defeats Maul with a move that was considered the kiss of death at the end of ROTS, which makes it hard to decide which film is lying to me about basic lightsaber based combat, especially in regards to high-ground situations. But why bother arguing at this point. It’s all terrible, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Like my grandmother always said, “you mix 5 gallons of shit and five gallons of ice cream, you get 10 gallons of shit.”

She’s still mum regarding which parent she considers to be the “ice cream.”

Voltron is coming to Adult Swim.

The Spider-Man 3 trailer.

So wait… The Sandman killed Ben Parker now? How many fucking liberties is Raimi going to take with this shit? I was in the first Goddamned movie, I refuse to allow him to sully the rest of the series.

My girlfriend is mad at me for hating Spidey 2. But she’s a woman, what the fuck do they know?

It’s been awhile since I’ve said that, but we have good reason to make Mischa Barton today’s SOTD… she finally got naked.

Sorta.

Tragically, it looks a bit like a set of pasties to me. Boo on that. But you never know, she just might have a near-invisible set of nips that will only be revealed with the DVD release.

Or we’ll be sadly disappointed again. Either way, new pics and higher res shots in her gallery. Enjoy.

The time has come. Dump all of your stock. Sell your home. Grab your children and run to the nearest bomb shelter, because I’m about to drop one upon your unwitting asses. If we live in a world where Britney Spears can divorce Kevin Federline, I just don’t know what to beleive in anymore. Up becomes down, left becomes right, anal becomes oral. We truly live in a world of chaos.

TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing “irreconcilable differences.” In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple’s two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She’s also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney’s fees.

Spears gives the date of separation as yesterday, the same day she flaunted her incredible revamped physique during a surprise appearance on David Letterman’s show. Sources tell TMZ there was no single reason for Britney pulling the plug, rather, it was “a string of events.”

So yet again, Unidor has swept in to save the day. Too bad he didn’t get here prior to her fattening, redneck baby producing marriage, but the guy has a busy schedule. Now Britney can flaunt that newly-repolished physique on the covers of some magazines. Hopefully the kind that children under the age of 18 are not allowed to purchase.

RCKicks13 sent in some news about the CMA awards, which is a good thing, since I didn’t even know there was such an event. It’s like someone decided that the Grammys weren’t worthless enough, so they spun it off with a mildly retarded redheaded stepbrother.

You can see here that Faith Hill is none too pleased that Carrie Underwood (I thought she was an actress) beat her out for Best Redneck with an X Chromosome of the Year.

There’s a lot of debate surrounding this video, I’ve found through 30 seconds of curious googling. And do you know who doesn’t give a shit? I’ll give you a hint: he’s devilishly handsome, unbelievably charming, and will one day drink wine out of a goblet fashioned from your very skull.

You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

Here are the first six ass-rocking minutes of Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny. Hold on to your anus.

That kid is the most bitchin’ young Jables we could have hoped for.

Oh, and you should set your DVR to record “Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel” on MTV on Thursday, November 9th at 10PM. No, I’m not fucking insane, that’s when Sony will debut the new Spiderman 3 trailer. Hopefully it will be better than the last one. Like… a lot beter.

My nether regions are all a-tingle from the impending arrival of the holiday season. Not because I’m a festive, jolly supporter of the winter season, but because there are about 8 bazillion games coming out that make my pants do the morning chubby dance. I’m already behind schedule, with Bully at only 30% and Final Fantasy XII lustfully calling out my name from its packaging, but that doesn’t stop me from getting excited about every other bit of goodness that the Christmas rush plans to dump into my lap.

Of course, the Wii is pretty much on top of every console gamer’s to-do list on November 19th. And to whet everyone’s appetites, here’s the latest lowdown on everything that will make you feel good about looking silly while swinging your hands around in the air like a jackass:

• Wii Screenshot Extravaganza
  Aside from the obvious choices, I’m really excited at the prospect of Red Steel, so I can have one of those sword swingin’ titles from the arcade in the comfort of my living room. I’m sure that my neighbors will appreciate hearing the crowd from my place excitedly shouting “YES! STAB THAT SLANTY EYED FUCKER RIGHT IN THE FACE!” They’ll probably assume that I’m attempting to kill and dispose of the little woman.

  Thankfully, Japanese women are as good at reading as they are at driving, so she’ll never see this. …moving on.

• Bigass Zelda: TP Review
  Another Bigass Zelda: TP Review
  The consensus? It’s amazing, it’s at least 50-70 hours long, and your arms do not get tired while playing it. Not to mention the fucking sexy widescreen format.

  The reviewers estimate that with all of the sidequests and whatnot, you’re looking at 100 hours of amazingly grand gameplay. At this point, I’d say that I could stab an infant with a fork just to steal the Wii out of his still-unformed little fingers.

• How will you get a Wii, you might ask? Here’s a breakdown of launch day events at the big chains:

  Wal-Mart – (Midnight opening)
  Best Buy – (Limited midnight/early openings)
  Target – (8AM openings, free popcorn/soda for line-ups)
  Circuit City – (Some midnight openings)
  Toys R Us – (Open at 10AM)

  Some other options, such as Costco, are good for people who have such memberships. If you’re looking for a traditional game store, such as EB or Gamestop, you’re shit out of luck. Those places sold out of preorders a long while ago, and won’t sell to the general public until all preorders have been fulfilled.

• Doogie Howser is gay.
  …wait, how did that get in here?

  Although it does bring new meaning to the quote “Dude, I humped every piece of ass that was ever on that show.”

• Nintendo World Tour Videos
  A lot of hands-on coverage of pretty much every game coming out for the Wii.
• Oh, and the component cables we all so desperately desire will NOT be online-only.

  480p, here I come. Or here Wii come. Ha ha ha! Ha…. heh. Hmm.

*Whew*

Alright, I need to get back to spiting everything and playing Final Fantasy XII, but if you’ve got anything interesting to share, please use the little Submit News button up there.

Seriously. I actually do read that shit.

“Good afternoon, my lovelies.

Sorry I’ve been away so long. ….I won’t let you down again.”

So we were hacked. Shit went crazy. Lives were lost.

We must, in the name of all that is good and sexy, press on.

Annnd we’re on.