Category: News

On a long-overdue alcohol run to the local supermarket, I happened to spy an oddity clad in a green flower-covered sundress. Somewhat large, and in her late forties, she was accompanied by children that must have been produced fairly late in the life cycle of her womanhood. I can only imagine that my treacherous eyes singled out this particular undesirable due to her completely ridiculous hairstyle. Rather than a typical dye job of blonde atop a thin strip of black roots, she had a half & half mixture that was seemingly the product of laziness or a visually impaired hairdresser. It was like one of those half chocolate/half vanilla ice cream cones from my childhood, only far less appetizing.

Perhaps it was due to a certain analytical curiosity, or more likely, my inebriated state of mind, but I stood outside of the supermarket and pondered her completely idiotic choices in life. But I stood there, bags of liquor in hand, watching traffic go by, and felt somewhat bad about my train of thought. Perhaps this woman had chosen this hairstyle in an attempt to appear more youthful and carefree. Or another option, this may have been an attempt on her part to obfuscate her less appealing features, namely her face. I hadn’t taken a look at her ring hand, for fear of my dick never again heeding my call to action, but I could imagine her trolling the singles bars at night… hoping to attract a new temporary father figure for her potentially obnoxious (and possibly bastardized) children.

It was at this point, lost in my train of thought, that I turned my head and found myself face to face (mere inches away) with the object of my mental pause.

Unfortunately, I had turned my head to let out a viciously large and somewhat appalling belch.

I don’t know why I’ve been assaulted with this barrage of time-wasting games lately, but I have. And I care about your time just about as much as I care about my own so… here’s Bowmaster 2: Prelude.

Fucking dragons.

And in the “make-you-feel-better-about-yourself” department, we have this juicy little tidbit: apparently the majority of men in India are too small for normal condoms.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

“Smaller condoms are on sale in India. But there is a lack of awareness that different sizes are available. There is anxiety talking about the issue. And normally one feels shy to go to a chemist’s shop and ask for a smaller size condom.”

…

Might I suggest that India outsource all of their sexual activity to America? Cheaper, efficient, more bang for your buck…. just something to think about.

Woman from the “Maury Povitch” show is deathly afraid of pickles.

…pickles.

You’ve gotta wonder if she was like… molested. You know… by a gherkin.

Inbetween working my ass off and lifting beer mugs this week, I’ve been terribly addicted to Tower Defence, which is sort of like keeping whordes of Orcs out of your camp in Warcraft II by only using towers. It’s like crack, and I’ve only made it to level 80 thus far.

If you like Risk, you might like DiceWars.

In honor of the free tickets to the Spike TV Video Game Awards, we’re putting up a new slice: the very hot and slightly forbidden Hayden Panettiere, who will be at the show.

First person to piss her off by asking when she’ll turn 18, or overusing the “save the cheerleader, save the world” tagline, gets a drink from me.

Alright kids, I know that it’s been a couple of days, so I’d better make up for it with something bitchin’. Work has made me neglect you, so let’s overcompensate, sort of like how my dad did after he’d go off on unannounced “business trips” and come back with BB Guns or half full bottles of Johnny Walker as a reward for being the man of the house. 8 was a great age, and now you’re going to relive my 8-year-old happiness.

PJ, longtime friend of the Mofo who has hooked me up with countless perks, is now hooking up all of you, in the form of two free tickets to the 2006 Spike TV Video Game Awards. PJ just joined the Spike TV crew, and has assured me that they learned their lesson from last time, and won’t be giving Game of the Year to Halo 3. Plus, they’ve got Samuel L. Jackson hosting, Tenacious D playing, and various hot celebrity chicks attending that you’d probably never be able to meet without warranting an immediate restraining order. And last but not least… I’ll be there. Probably lit up like Christmas and throwing snakes onstage, but I will indeed attend the show.

Details: It’s next Friday at the USC Galen Center. Print out the PDF, take it to the Galen Center box office either the day of or day before the event, and then get all dolled up for adventure. And nerds. But definitely adventure.

Be sure to check out the ads from Mega64 here and here. You can also do your part by voting for the awards, and checking out all of the videos and guests and other goodness surrounding the event. And then be prepared to have your ass blown out by awesomeness, and probably a few misappropriated awards.

Be sure to let me know if you’re going, we’ll arrange a MoFo meet-n-greet, and you can tell Bolt how much you hated him in The Trial of Raygun.

Britney Spears showed off quite a bit over the last week, probably on the reccommendation of her new BFF, Paris Hilton. She took another cue the other day, when she… well, see for yourself.

Wow. C-section scar and everything. Lovely. You can’t see them all over at SOTD, so they’ll be over here as well.

Here’s the first still from the upcoming Transformers flick to feature an actual Transformer in it. Or so the folks over at Fatty’s website (AICN) claim.

Looks more like a Zerg rush to me.