Category: News

So in case you were wondering why the main page has gone from zero posts to every fucking post since the year 1969, which I can only assume is made possible by way of a time machine sometime in the near future. We can only hope that my knowledge of this post does not create a Timecop-style meltdown, and merely results in a Bill & Ted’s-esque comedic loop.

I was, dear reader, crippled by numerous factors when it came to resuscitating this bitch. For the sake of brevity, let’s try an unordered list:

• I’m incredibly lazy.
• For some reason, the software on the server broke and wouldn’t publish a damned thing.
• After a reinstall, it decided to publish every single post on the main page, and not listen to my demands to cease such shenanigans.
• Laziness, coupled with season finales of damned near everything I’ve been suckered into watching.
• More “don’t exist” messages delivered by the cosmos in the form of the BAMF server no longer allowing me direct access to any files. Apparently BAMF has decided that it likes existing as a gigantic 3Megabyte behemoth HTML file, chronicling thoughts derived as a result of my pathetic existence over the last… oh sweet Jesus… 8 or 9 years.
• I uh… I’m incredibly fucking busy. No joke, not like the last 8 or 9 years of “I say I’m busy but I’m just exceptional at appearing busy.” You’ll most likely benefit from the eventual emotional breakdown that I will suffer from the increasing tide of responsibility. With no new episodes of “Heroes” to geek out over, or “Lost” to sarcastically-yet-lovingly mock, I’ll be sobbing through an episode of “The Bachelor” by Wednesday. Not because I’d ever watch such a show (outside of clips on “The Soup”) but I’m going to need some sort of suspense and release.
• My new place is grand (oh I moved a couple of weeks ago) yet I lost the television in the divorce from my cousin/roommate. He gave me a check for $1100, which was very generous. I now have a 32″ tv in a room that is a foot deeper than the last place. Regaining that additional 30 inches of screen real estate is pretty much my brain’s full time job. You understand.

You know what’s funny? I was actually hired as a consultant recently for my expertise (no guff) with the software running this site, and yet there was a minute there where I actually considered that the tag broke the site. I’ve finally figured out a way to stop the insanity without uploading or editing any files. You can see the most recent post on the main page (for now) and any additional posts will be in the archive for May 2007. I pray to God that I’m not so lazy that we need to repost the link in June.

Today I sold the car that I began a quest for on one of my first posts on BAMF back in 1999. After the smashing it received in my accident last year, I resold the once pristine joy in my life for a paltry $500. A lot of big changes have been happening lately, it almost felt like I was selling the life I once had for $500, figuring that the cash would make for good food money in the coming weeks of my new life.

I sat in a board room today, filled with suit-clad VPs listening intently to my plan for safeguarding their new massive blog initiative from seperate simultaneous exposures to the digg effect. If you showed the future I’m in to the Sharkey of 1999, he’d be as clueless as Hiro when he meets Future Hiro. It’s like telling me that I teleport around in the future and stab motherfuckers with my kitana. Just all seems right but not at all what i thought.

/Wonder Years Monologue

It’s a God damn motherfucking Woot-off!

During my vacation from BAMF, I took up a consulting gig with a magazine company. Mostly telecommute, but during a few crunch situations I’ve been known to hit up the office. Take today, for example. I pulled into the parking lot and was apathetically listening to the Stern wrap-up show, when I noticed a flash to the right and turned my head to look out the back right window. There was the head of an Indian fellow swiftly approaching my window, and even more alarmingly so, he was still in his car. He’d somehow pulled into the parking space next to me diagonally. Mind you, I was the only car around in a very large parking lot. It’s almost as if he didn’t remember that he was supposed to pull into a space and stop his Corolla until he saw me, yelled “CARRRR!” and gunned it towards me.

Once he extracted himself, it was a six-point turn into the mildly mismatched parking space.

I just thought they smelled bad. I had no idea that they couldn’t drive either.

Alright, alright, I’m back. Hiatus ending, just be a little patient here.

Fucking talking ads? I leave for a week and you guys let this place go all to shit.

Man Dials Random Number, Gets Wife

Waking up one morning five years ago, David Brown found a mystery mobile phone number running through his mind.

When it refused to go away, he decided to call it.

It turned out to belong to Michelle Kitson, at the time a 17-year-old student living with her parents more than 60 miles away.

Even the most die-hard romantic would have forgiven her for ignoring a message from a strange man she had never met or heard of before.

But she decided to respond and after a string of text messages, a phone call and a letter the couple met and fell in love.

…

What are the chances that two fat dateless losers found each other by some sort of clairvoyant drunk dialing, as opposed to say… oh, gee i dunno… calling fucking 1-900-DIAL-A-DATE? Reporters can be so fucking stupid sometimes.

Just in case you were thinking about seeing Blades of Glory, but were teetering on the edge, I may have the words that you’re looking for.

It’s not great, but it’s pretty damned good. And it reminds me that I haven’t nearly given the coverage to Nick Swardson that I had hoped for. Matter of fact, that’s my weekend mission: to deliver clips and information to you about Nick, because he is one funny motherfucker. I especially want my cousin to like him, because Nick is bisexual, and my cousin is a huge homophobe. Perhaps an even bigger homophobe than he is a Grandma’s Boy fan, so this revelation should be a fun experiment.

Oh, and go see Blades for the skating scenes and the “Flash Gordon” tribute alone. Don’t see it expecting Old School or Anchorman type Will excellence, just go in expecting fun and entertainment.

Alright, I’m going to do another one of those split posts before I rant about last night’s episode of “Lost.” If you don’t mind this being spoiled, or if you saw it and don’t mind profanity and tongue-in-cheek remarks regarding racial stereotypes, click on the “read more” button.

My friend made me try his Sirius service (and swank little satellite reciever/dvr device) because he said it would “change my life.” Thus far it’s been pretty fucking sweet. I forgot how much I missed Stern, and now getting to hear his two 24/7 channels in uncensored glory, I do kind of wonder how I can go back to listening to regular radio with the millions of commercials and tame subject matter.

We were talking about the glories of the Stern 101 channel, specifically Riley Martin, and his negotiations over his compensation for the 1 hour each week that he does his show. I’ve been scouring the internet trying to find the broadcast of his last negotiation session, and said things like “If you can pay uh… Howahhd Stuhhn a hundred million dollah contract, you mothafuckahhs can afford to give me some of the man’s table scraps!” And apparently when offered $400 per each 1-hour show, replied with “Mothafuckah I was thinkin’ 20K!”

I need this. I downloaded the last 5 or 6 episodes of his show and found nothing of the sort. Anyone have it?

Also, are there any music stations on this thing worth listening to? Every time I give it a shot, I regret it.

…..Get a rope.

Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million into a concrete barrier while practicing at a racetrack Monday, destroying the car but escaping uninjured.

The Enzo, valued at around $1.5 million, was owned by the executive producer of “Redline,” Daniel Sadek, whose exotic car collection is featured in the movie.

Sadek said that the car was damaged beyond repair and that he had “mixed feelings” about the wreck.

Cherish whatever the fuck this movie is, because it’s probably going to be Eddie Griffin’s last. I prayed for something like this to happen to his career, but good lord… what a waste.