Category: News

Oh Xbox, thank God it’s you, thank God. Xbox, I’ve been here so long I’m hallucinating! For awhile I thought the Care Bears were here! Farm animals… geese, chickens…

It has come to my attention that some of you stop watching the Short Circuit 2 videos at around #2. This is a fatal mistake. Videos 3-5 are solid fucking gold, and deserve your attention.

Fuck me up and down, how have these Short Circuit 2 redubbings not received more attention?

Now comes the time, dear reader, for you to watch the rest. Which you will, or I’ll fucking cut you.

Episode II
Episode III
Episode IV
Episode V

You can thank Bongweasel, like I did, for bringing this to our attention. Hopefully the bastard (not Bongy) does his best with the rest of that brilliant Canadian-filmed flick and we can all enjoy it in its entirety. Especially the part where Johnny Five will eventually try to straighten out his obviously not-an-Indian gay Indian (played masterfully by Fischer Stevens) friend by his magical use of the power of the billboard. Your mother sleeps with my dog, fuckers.

If anyone wants to get me a belated Christmas gift, you can go ahead and buy me every damned one of these ridiculously awesome Indiana Jones Lego sets.

Why the Hell did it take this possibly shitty new movie starring the idiot kid from Transformers to get these? I pretended that all of my Lego figures were Harrison Ford when I was growing up anyway, they may as well have pocketed Lucas and Spielberg some extra change by making it official.

Britney Spears has had a busy day. First she decided to refuse to return her soon-to-be-substance-abusing kids to their father, then had to be wheeled out of her house by paramedics and held as either an overdose or attempted suicide case (can’t it be both?), and finally ended this lovely Friday by having her custody rights completely stripped away.

Any of you forumites who chose her in the 2008 dead pool… smart choice. It’s downright tragic that none of us are surprised by this shit anymore, but with a basket case like her, it’s to be expected. Her inevitable death-by-overdose (be it drugs or McDonalds) will be far less shocking than Anna Nicole’s, and undoubtedly (and annoyingly) more widely covered by the media. I’m just going on record to say that unless she does something completely original, like kidnapping her kids and driving into the grand canyon, I refuse to state anything on this site other than “Surprised?” when she eventually shuffles her shoeless feet off of this mortal coil. In fact, I’m going to save myself some time and save that draft now. It may be morbid, but you can’t argue that it isn’t practical.

As many of you know, I purchased an HTC Mogul last summer, and have been enjoying tinkering with it in an attempt to overcome the general shittiness of Windows Mobile. Finally, someone has come up with something that turns the crapfest interface into something usable. Say how-do to Pointui.

Finally, something that doesn’t force me to use the stylus for absolutely every critical task. If you’re going to make a touchscreen phone, how about making the damned buttons big enough to actually push with your fingers? My 10-year-old nephew had trouble dialing properly with the damned thing, so it’s not just my ridiculous ham-hands. Also, I like how this thing scrolls up/down like one would expect, instead of the flight-stickesque inversion on the iPhone. Hopefully these guys keep skinning more and more functionality, because I’m extremely dissatisfied with the dialing interface on this thing. The next iteration of these things had better include touchscreen and a numerical keypad, because this touch-to-dial shit is infuriating, not to mention frightening. I don’t dare dial (alliteration!) in traffic, because I have to hold the device up in front of my face and focus as I carefully tap each button, cursing as I hit at least one or two wrong buttons each time. I can’t imagine that the rest of my road-faring contemporaries will be as safety conscious, which will make rush hour on the 405 all the more terrifying.

Aside from the research grants that they get to study monkeys fucking, breast sizes, and other noble efforts, they also get asked to investigate some of the most baffling mysteries that modern society has to offer. Walk with me, won’t you?

Mathematicians from the University of Exeter have solved the mystery of traffic jams by developing a model to show how major delays occur on our roads, with no apparent cause. Many traffic jams leave drivers baffled as they finally reach the end of a tail-back to find no visible cause for their delay.

The team developed a mathematical model to show the impact of unexpected events such as a lorry pulling out of its lane on a dual carriageway. Their model revealed that slowing down below a critical speed when reacting to such an event, a driver would force the car behind to slow down further and the next car back to reduce its speed further still.

The result of this is that several miles back, cars would finally grind to a halt, with drivers oblivious to the reason for their delay. The model predicts that this is a very typical scenario on a busy highway (above 15 vehicles per km). The jam moves backwards through the traffic creating a so-called ‘backward travelling wave’, which drivers may encounter many miles upstream, several minutes after it was triggered.

Wow. That must come straight from a government think tank to achieve such amazing results. How do these fucks get granted millions of dollars for research and only have to turn in an answer that an 8-year-old child could deduce?

“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe when one guy pushes on his brakes, it makes people behind him hit their brakes or something. Can I have my lollipop now?”

Yes Billy, you can. Thank you for saving us 8 million in research funding.

Not a week and a half after I finally re-enter the world of high definition television (it’s been a rough six months) my 360 greets me with some green & red holiday cheer. I can’t wait to get on the phone with those friendly overseas tech support representatives to discuss how much the next 3-4 weeks of my life will suck. Deciphering what those Indian support reps have to say is like a 360 game, albeit a mildly shitty one, like Gun or Call of Juarez.

My condolences also go out to my homey Captain Terror, who just received his second red ring of death this year. I’ll pour a forty for you too, chief.

Well tarnation, it looks like lil’ 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. Mama Spears must be happy, as this franchise just seems to keep paying off in spades. Just think of how much Britney merchandise will be worth once she’s overdosed or gone on a shooting spree in K-Fed’s dance studio?

Lynne Spears, already grandmother to Britney’s young sons, told the magazine: “I didn’t believe it because Jamie Lynn’s always been so conscientious. She’s never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby.”

She said her actress daughter, the telegenic heroine of her popular Nickelodeon series, has known Aldridge for years and began dating him in high school.

But in a recent interview with The Associated Press, Spears said she had no steady boyfriend. “I kind of just keep my options open,” she said. “I have a bunch of friends that I always hang out with, a bunch of guy friends.” She declined to talk about her older sister.

You’ve gotta wonder if they decided she shouldn’t talk about Britney because it would be “harmful to her career” to associate with statutory rape, or if the pregnant underaged trailer-park-raised “casual dater” just waved the reporters off and scoffed “Jesus, don’t even get me started on that disaster.”

A shitty version of The Dark Knight trailer hit the web today, so watch away until we are blessed with an HD version:

**Edit: Fuck that, here’s the HD trailer.

Not appearing in this film: Rutger Hauer, or Katie Holmes’ poky nipples. What you get in their place is Eric Roberts, the guy who played Spawn, and Anthony Michael Hall. Oh, and in the worst possible recasting ever, Maggie Gyllenhaal as Ms. Holmes. Yeah, she’s a great actress, but you didn’t cast a great actress in the first flick, why do so in this one? People are going to realize that the character suddenly has personality and depth. Oh, and an uglier face.