Category: News

Better sit down for this one, astute researchers from the Pew & American Life project have uncovered the shocking revelation that “the Internet has become an integral part of college life, and not just for studying.”

The survey of college students across the country found that 86 percent use the Internet, compared with 59 percent of the overall U.S. population.

Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe. This is more incomprehensible than their recent discovery that eating McDonalds every day will turn you into a tubby piece of bloated shit, and slightly more amazing than the time they discovered that caboose is the preferred spot on the mantrain.

Which, (almost) leads us to the next question: what the fuck are the other 14 percent doing [for porn]?

“For this group of college students, the Internet just works. [Sitting down and jerking off to porn on their roommate’s hp pavillion] is like turning on the tap and getting water or turning on the TV,” says Steve Jones, the report’s lead author and chairman of the communications department at the University of Illinois at Chicago.That doesn’t mean students are slacking off. Jones says his research indicates that students are simply using the Internet to help them pack more [acquiring porn and jerking off] activity into less time.

Which frees them up to spend more of this saved time drinking Zima alone and watching the cartoon network. In all seriousness, realizing that the Dewey decimal system is only slightly more complicated than IP notation, the only reason the Internet is so popular with students doing homework is they are too fucking lazy and stupid to use a library.

Oh, that and they can use the Internet to whack off while they are pretending to do their college homework. Uh, not that I would know anything about that.

I was kicked out long ago for masturbating in the library.

So I guess we uh… we aren’t going to war then, huh?

Oh wait, we still might? Jesus H, it’s like having a prom date drunk enough to boink your sorry ass, but then she throws up all over her dress. Will it happen? Won’t it happen? How about you arm me, I’ll fly the fuck over there and shoot the bastard myself. Morality, schmorality. If it makes gas prices drop and returns me to my regularly scheduled programming then I say Boo-Yah, lock and load, sucka. Then you and I can get back to the really important issues. Like pie.

First article of news I click on this morning:

Since I had yet to partake of my morning cup of java, I was obviously drowsy and slightly confused (and admittedly excited) by the proposition that this fellow and his cohorts might be smashing into the moon’s surface. However, logic quickly gripped hold and returned me to my normal Monday morning rigamarole.

One sidenote, this would be an N’Sync space trip that I wouldn’t mind pitching in a few dollars for. Imagine them saying Bye Bye Bye as they careened into a fireless oblivion on the dark side of the moon. C’mon everybody, pony up a sawbuck, we’re sending those fucks on a collision course with destiny. And by destiny, I mean a big fucking lunar crater.

This site sucks. Don’t go there. Go here instead. Don’t forget you can still win a free t-shirt by clicking on that link. Repeatedly. Preferrably when your mom, sister, or girlfriend is in the room.

Since my last post was somewhat un-diverse and obviously way too serious and un-funny for some of you, I decided as a gift on this Friday I am going to make it easy. Today, there will be:

• No “tongue-in-cheek” humor without the &lt/sarcasm&gt tag. I realize that it can be difficult to tell when I am serious or not, especially when I say things such as “we have all known from the days of gradeschool that being gay rots your brain and makes you want to eat puppies.” A couple more useful tags: &lt/parody&gt and &lt/satire&gt.
• I won’t rely on myself for humor. Instead, I am going to link directly to the non-tool king of comedy, Te(v)plar, and his extremely witty and insightful posts in the forum. On second thought, I don’t really need to link straight to his posts, since he posts in every single goddamn thread on the board, you can’t really miss him. Just be prepared to laugh your silly ass off &lt/sarcasm&gt.
• No HATRED!@@!! Yes, you will feel my love. To make sure you notice, I will be using the &lt/love&gt tag throughout.

One more thing while I am on topic (or not), Josh e, go the fuck back to fark.com. Because we all know how original and funny this shit is &lt/sarcasm&gt:

Jesus Christ I can’t stop laughing &lt/sarcasm&gt. Did I already tell you to fuck off and die? Good.

[Fark lovers read this:]

Note on fark.com, because I hate to get e-mail: Fark.com is a news portal, meaning they are a clearing house for other people’s content. I will be the first one to say that fark does a damn good job at what they do, and they have earned a loyal fanbase doing it. Go team. At BAMF, we make a mostly feeble attempt at original content, sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. I do hope that everyone that comes here finds at least some humor in the things we post (there is always the archives), but if you don’t, there are other places for you. You are not alone, and I wanted Josh e to be aware that he is a perfect candidate for the fark audience. One more thing, the headline I pulled happened to be the top one on the page, and I also might have gotten the role of fark in the civilized world wrong—be that the case, I am sorry.

So, now that that is out of the way and done with (since these are just my opinions and you lovingly respect that), time to get on with the non-threatening funny shit for the day.

[Praise the good lord almighty!]

It is good to see that those bigoted, fucking-gay-hating straight fuckwads have finally got some sense shoved into their tiny heterosexual brains and have voted to uphold a gay rights law protecting our beloved gay and lesbian populations in Miami-Dade county &lt/love&gt:

Voters in Miami-Dade County appear to have rejected an attempt by Christian conservatives to repeal an ordinance protecting gay rights.

Fuck the Christian conservatives, what right do they have to make a legal attempt to get others to understand their point of view &lt/satire&gt? And although the haters tried to stop it, the biggest win of all is that the law was upheld out of true concern for the gay and lesbian lifestyle &lt/sarcasm&gt:

The county`s political and business leaders had pushed to keep the ordinance, fearing a boycott from gay and liberal groups and the threatened rejection of the region`s bid to hold the 2004 Democratic National Convention.

It is heartwarming to see such true understanding of the challenges gays and lesbians face in this world of hate. Hugs for everyone!@!! Blowjobs all around!!!&lt/parody&gt

Yes, yes, I know, I am a comedy goldmine &lt/sarcasm&gt. I’ll end the punishment now before things get out of hand &lt/sarcasm&gt.

This time without Eddie Murphy: [ Nick Nolte Arrested For Driving Under The Influence ]

I had this grand Photoshopped version of that pic with clown makeup on Nick ready to go, but the picture on its own is just gold. Solid gold.

Well, I knew it was going to be a slow day in the news when I finally rolled in this morning and checked CNN:

Motherfucker. Now that leaching an easy win off a major news source is out, I will have to rely on raw wit, that is unless NHDJ1 wants to shop me up some fookin cool pictures, hopefully with flying indians and ninjas and shit complete with a coke’d up Brittney.

I mean, what else is a nigger to do? Yea, Yea, I’m becoming predictable. Time to make fun of some queers!!!!

[Gay candidates perform well in primaries]

That is right, it seems that many or our rainbowed friends are branching from the realm of gay butt sexxorz into the dirtier but equally exciting realm of politics. According to planetout, many gay candidates who ran in state and local primary races have passed the first hurdle of winning elected office.

Take, for example. Daniel Cicilline, who won some sort of nomination for something:

“This is an incredibly, incredibly exciting victory,” Cicilline told the Providence Journal. “I can’t wait to get home and sucks some dicks to celebrate.”

Cicilline is expected to win during the general election, when he faces three little-known and poorly funded challengers. This trend is becoming rather frightening since we have all known from the days of gradeschool that being gay rots your brain and makes you want to eat puppies. It also makes you want to spend more time in truckstops, even if they don’t have cable TV.

But, it’s time to get on to the REAL news: A gay homo butt sex wedding@!! (I am not making this up).

“The gay newlyweds of the moment are championship tag-team wrestlers who planned to exchange vows in a fake commitment ceremony Tuesday night during World Wrestling Entertainment’s weekly “Smackdown.”

It was a whirlwind engagement: In front of God and everybody last week in an arena in Green Bay, Wis., Chuck got down on one knee, pulled a diamond ring from his tights and popped the question. Billy wept with joy, and accepted.”

“The audience, from what we’ve seen, appears to be cheering them on,” he said. “While it’s entertaining for viewers, it’s also enlightening. Because of its teenage audience, ‘Smackdown’ reaches a lot of potential bullies and gay bashers out there, and what Billy and Chuck are saying is not only ‘We’re here,’ but they also say, ‘Don’t mess with us.'”

Uh, messing around with GAY HOMO FAGS!!!@!LOL!!@ shouldn’t be much of an issue.

[Side note: The wrestling picture is fucking mine in the MS Paint Story Time thread, so don’t even think about using it. Unless you can think of something funny to do with it and shit.]

I am slowly realizing that I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning.

[ ROADMEN PAINT BADGER ]

A month ago we told how workmen painted yellow lines around a traffic cone in Huddersfield, West Yorks.

Sometimes, while I’m sitting here trying to work, I run across minor incidents like this that make me love and get wet in the crotch for humanity more and more. There sheer laziness of humans constantly astounds and amazes in the same fluid cosmic motion; much how a kick to the groin can be painful and enlightening at the same time. I’m pretty sure that cats are behind it somehow. The laziest animal in the world was a Megatherium.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a lazy animal. Except for cats. Which I hate. Because they’re cats. There must be some bit of cat in people who are lazy and can’t seem to get their asses up to do anything except run around the house really quick and then lay back on the cool tiled kitchen floor and nap for hours on end.

Then, when your actually taking a break from hating those useless bags of fur that do nothing but eat, shit, and bring diseases that are communicable by humans into the house, you try to pick one up just to say ‘OMG, Your so fuzzy-cute!’, and they scratch your damn eye out like the grim reaper slashing a barrel of grapes with futuristic neurotoxins that make your brain turn into jellified corn-syrup and causes your skin to flare up like you’ve been infected with some new strand of herpes.

Or something to that effect.

I know a lot of you probably own cute, cudely, furry and purry cats at your house or have a loved one who thinks the whole big wide world of her/his cat (more likely a her, than him), and that’s fine and dandy. You probably even think that when you’re cat comes and rubs up against you it’s a sign of love and affection that no one else in the world is going to receive except you because of your ultra-mega psychic cosmic love-bond that you have created over the years and is definitely not just a sign that the cat is bored or hungry or toying with the big dumb lazy human who never buys it enough toys to play with. Well, although you’d be horrible mistaken, I’m not on a rampage to convert cat-lovers into dog lovers or any such madness.

Hell, I love dogs, and dogs have their disgusting and unhealthy attributes as well. But at least your dog will feel sorry about getting you sick. I bet a Megatherium would at least get you a ‘get well soon’ card. If you guys n gals haven’t been reading this thread, then may the almighty have mercy on your soul.

I’m not quite sure if this heartwarming tale supports my theory below or the possible cokehead conclusion. Maybe both, with this fella. Here’s a little more info on his fight to keep what few brain cells he may still possess.

Whatever it is that pushes a person to commit a crime, such as robbery, must have some sort of chemical effect on the brain to override the good/bad triggers of the conscience. Unfortunately, I have a theory that another chemical is released during the actual act. I call that chemical stupidium, and the effects on the criminal mind can easily be seen in the following example from USA Today:

BOSTON – Two armed suspects in a pizza parlor heist tried to pretend to be hostages as police closed in, but were outfoxed by restaurant employees. Armed suspects Johnathan Ortega, 23, and Miguel Angel Correa, 27, allegedly broke into a Pizza Hut restaurant last week, tied up employees in the bathroom and waited for a time-delayed safe to open, police said.

The plan began to fall apart after the duo released one hostage, making him promise not to call authorities. Police arrived minutes later. The suspects then tied themselves up and pleaded with the hostages to go along with the ruse. Restaurant manager Orlando Reyes, 20, wasn’t about to play along. “I said ‘I’m going to go outside and tell police officers the bad guys left and you guys were tied up with us,”’ Reyes told the Boston Herald. The men were charged with kidnapping and attempted robbery.

There are just way too many stupid criminals on this planet, wouldn’t you agree? And based on our society’s ability to find a chemical reason for every negative facet of life, (like blaming your lack of a job on ADD) one must assume that there is indeed a chemical reaction behind the absolute lack of common sense contained within the criminal mind. If you’ll take a moment to peruse this chart I’ve drawn up, you’ll see what I mean.

As you can clearly see, when the D3 Agonists are a-flowin’ (ie: during the adrenaline rush of a robbery), the Stupidium producing nerve cells pump out an excessive amount of stupidium to subdue the D3 Receptors, to nullify any common sense messages that they might send to the brain. This is just my theory, but it does explain the chemical process involved in the stupification of our criminals.

That, or they’re just a bunch of coked up fuckwits. Science is an untamed beast, I’m afraid.