Category: News

It looks like the king of cry Jesse Jackson has been out of the media for too long (by too long I mean over a month), which means that it is time for him to jump back into the ring of political activism, swing some fists, and save the black man from oppression. Well, either that or save him from making a buck by *gasp* cracking jokes at the holy trinity of black civil rights.

The hit movie Barbershop may be a comedy, but some of its jokes are no laughing matter for political activist Jesse Jackson. Jackson is insisting that the producers of the No. 1 movie cut out jokes about Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr. and others from future DVD, cable and video editions of the film. That demand comes even though he said he was happy that the producers apologized for the barbs in the movie.

In Barbershop, Cedric the Entertainer plays an old cantankerous barber who jokes about King’s alleged promiscuity. The character also says other blacks refused to give up their seats to whites in the segregated south, but that Rosa Parks got the credit because she was connected to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. He also directs an expletive at Jackson.

Being the open minded person that we all agree I am, I can admit that maybe I am being too quick to judge here. Maybe this whole thing isn’t a self-motivated attempt to silence his critics and line his pockets. After all, he is only asking for a few changes to the movie:

Kill whitey.

Advertising is truly a fine art.

Stray dogs are being used as mobile billboards by rival shops in a Russian city.

Shopworkers grab the dogs in the city of Penza after luring them with cutlets or sausages.

They then spray-paint their shop logo on the animal, reports the Molodoy Leninets newspaper.

Something’s messed up with the CGI scripts ’round here. If this goes through, grand. If not, I will anally rape the CGI scripts with a tuning fork.

*Update*: Alright, I put down the tuning fork.

How did I miss this amazing piece of news? Maybe one of you sent it along with my 1400 instances of SPAM last week.

[ Bon Jovi Foils Music Pirates That Don’t Exist ]

The 1980s megastars have a new, Web-based scheme to discourage their soon-to-be-released disc from being pirated. And computer security experts think the program just might work.

On the inside of the packaging of Bon Jovi’s Bounce is a 13-digit, randomly generated serial number. By entering that code on the group’s website, fans enroll in a program that puts them “first in line” for concert tickets and allows them to listen to unreleased tracks from the band.

“The idea is to make anyone who’s file sharing or burning feel like they’re missing out by not buying a real copy of the CD,” said Larry Mattera, a new-media executive at Island Def Jam, Bon Jovi’s label.

You know what’s grand? This will actually work. Pirates will not be downloading copies of Bon Jovi’s fagnum opus this Fall. But the reason isn’t because of the discouraging concert ticket mumbo jumbo. You want to know why nobody’s going to pirate their new CD? I’ll let you in on the secret.

*leans close*

Because they fucking suck.

Betcha didn’t see that one coming a mile and a half away, did you? Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, just because my 80s compilation MP3 CD contains Livin’ On A Prayer and Wanted Dead Or Alive doesn’t mean I want to hear whatever the stupid bastards are croaking out now. Lemme give you a lil’ tip Bon Jovi. If Triumph the Dog from Conan decides to pay you a ten minute visit to tell you that you suck, beleive me, he’s not being cute. You suck like a gay undersexed Hoover Wet-n-Dry vac after a few Midori Sours.

Sorry to break it to you, but outside of New Jersey (which, thanks to you assholes, is still one of America’s main sources of the mullet) nobody gives a shit what you do. Therefore wasting time and bandwidth checking into your recent exploits are a foregone conclusion.

If you hadn’t heard already, Budlight.com has put up this nifty little web app that takes any picture and morphs it into a 3D person saying whatever you’d like. The forum kiddies have already taken to it like Corey Feldman takes to career failure. Of course, some of you are far too lazy to actually register, so I figure I should point out some of the finer reader creations while you can still view them.

• NOOS! Save The Kittens!!!
• Click! Because Doom commands it!
• My own contribution
• Ponch loves you.
• I bet he could make crack out of newspaper and a thimble
• Former BAMF staffer falls on hard times

Use the comments section to add your own, I’m sure there’s plenty of untapped comedy gold just waiting to be mined.

And just so’s you’re clued in, it will ask you to install a third party 3D rendering thingy. So if you’re in a tin shack somewhere in the mountains hiding from big brother, maybe you’re not too keen on this one. Perhaps I could interest you in a bullet for dinner instead, you crazy asshat.

I received a pleasant piece of electronic correspondence yesterday afternoon. However, it was sandwiched (like all other e-mails) inbetween 637 pieces of SPAM I received yesterday, most of them containing virii. God bless the Internet, where every message contains A Very Valuable *insert retarded noun*

Anyway, spite and hatred aside, the link was from $nowman, letting me know that Rosie “LOOKITMEIMGAY” O’Donnell has dumped “Rosie Magazine” over problems with the publisher. What with the recession and all, they probably had to cut back on their hourly tributes of ham-cheese-and-Indonesian-waif sandwiches.

“I’m sorry to have to tell my readers and my staff that my involvement in the magazine is ending, but my integrity and name are at stake, and that price is too high,” O’Donnell said at a news conference. “I cannot have my name on a magazine if I cannot be assured that it will represent my vision and ideas.”

A legal battle is a possibility, although no lawsuits have been filed yet. Both sides have hired lawyers, and in a memo sent to employees, Gruner + Jahr indicated it blames O’Donnell.

“It is truly shocking and disappointing that Rosie would walk away from her obligations to her staff, her business partner and her magazine audience. In doing so, she destroys the value of the business we created and violates the conditions of our binding contract,” the memo said.

Fat housewives everywhere will be mourning, I’m sure. Where will they get their information on… come to think of it, what the fuck kind of content could that woman actually cram into a magazine sporting her monicker? I’d wager that the majority of her knowledge revolves around the following:

1. Getting media attention for coming out when everybody already knew that you were a big fat box-muncher.
2. What Nell Carter was really like…underneath the muumuu
3. What K-Mart has on Blue Light Special this week
4. The number for Penny Marshall’s personal line, where the answer machine only contains muffled sobbing
5. Why so many children have gone missing lately. *hint: check her fridge*

Well, now that I’ve slacked around my last ten minutes of work, I’m going to do something constructive. If any one needs me, I’ll be at the urinal.

Warning: This post only has a remote possibility of being funny, and that’s if you’ve seen the film Best Of The Best, or it’s sequel starring that deuchebag Wayne Newton. And even then, you probably won’t find it at all funny, or possibly cast aspersions on my character due to my mockery of the disfigurement of a child, or a fictional character. In either instance, please relocate to the nearest senior citizens center, place your mouth within a close proximity of your wang, and proceed to fellate yourself. This is just an observation, Mr. Critic, not the State of the Union address. I don’t cast judgement on you for mouthifying your junk in retirement homes, do I?

Now that I think about it, that beef in the freezer might have said Expires September 22, 2001. Or was it 2000? Anyway, on to the picture.

As messed up as this picture is, does the kid not remind you of Dae Han? This explains a helluva lot of things. You start runnin’ with the McDonaldland posse at an early age, you get started on a life of hate and bitterness. And uh… TaeKwon-Do. …Mayor McCheese is a black belt.

Before I pass out, can anyone tell me why America and Korea were the only two countries in that movie to compete for the world championship? Honestly, maybe I missed something, but did the rest of the countries just decide not to fucking show up? It was the 80’s, I guess, so they were probably all coked up listening to Debbie Gibson records. Or that might’ve been me, the memory’s a little fuzzy, I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

[ Video – Wuss Fight.mpg (800KB) ] – I’m pretty sure the first guy tries to pull off a windmill punch, and the other fella attempts the mighty shoryuken. Success is relative, I guess.

By the way, this whole post is just a reminder to myself when I get home to re-upload the Painful Videos and missing Boo-Yah! Gallery content.

The award for Holy Shit I’m A Fucking Idiot goes to… *cuts open envelope*

USA TODAY — POCONO PINES, Pa. — One person’s reject can be someone else’s fortune. Just ask newly rich Paula Buckley. Buckley, 21, a deli clerk at Pen Mart, bought a $10 Power Play ticket because a customer rejected it. Then she hit the $400,000 jackpot. Powerball tickets can’t be reissued the way other lottery tickets can, said lottery spokeswoman Sally Danyluk Buckley learned she had won Monday morning. ”I ran the ticket through the machine and it said, ‘Do Not Pay’ because it was a $400,000 winner, and we cannot pay those out at the store,” she said. The machine chose the numbers.

Congratulations, guy (or girl) who turned down that lottery ticket. Prepare for the most painful years of your life to date. If impotency wasn’t a problem before, well, you might want to invest in one of those Viagra cutters that Jacko previously discussed. Enjoy your award, you’ve earned it.

*claps* Let’s keep the acceptance speech to a minimum, got me?

First, let me introduce you to the next big thing in the underground world of prescription drug modding: Viagra pill splitting.

“Like most men I denied the existence of my erectile dysfunction problem. The false starts were very upsetting to my wife and me and we decided to share this reality with my personal physician who was eager to give me a few sample 25 Mg Viagra Tablets.

One day I overheard the men talking at the local health club about pill splitting and how a 100 Milligram Viagra pill could be split in two cutting your costs in half. Two pills per week at a cost of $10.00 each cost approximately $1000.00 per year. Cutting the pill in half I could save $500.00 a year.

My physician was well aware of the pill splitting practice and he readily prescribed the 100mg pill and I was off to the next part of my Viagra pill splitting experience.”

Now I need to skip ahead and reveal a little of the plot here in order to keep this on one page and vaguely interesting, but he goes on to describe how he couldn’t get the little motherfuckers to split in half, and every pill cutter he tried didn’t work. So, instead of bitching about it, he made his own pill cutter—the V2 pill splitter.

That is right MoFos, this little number can crack your Grandpa’s viagra pill in half saving him the cost of 3 hookers a year, and still leave him a fiver to throw in your birthday card.

But, contrary to my actions, the pleasantries of erectile dysfunction are not what I wanted to fill this post with. I just wanted to take a minute and give a BAMF salute to a man who saw a problem and solved it. So, without further ado, to the proprietor of the v2 pill splitter, I present the BAMF Award for Solving the Fucking Problem:

Thank you, and goodnight.