Category: News

UNITED NATIONS MEETING, MIDDAY

North Korea: “Supplies, foorish Americans! We have nuclear weapons long time!”

America: “What? You sneaky little bastards! And here we’d thought that even though you’ve denied our inspectors and refused to supply us with information, you’d just been on the ‘honor system!'”

North Korea: “Ha Ha fuck you kill me, stupid round eye! We pull wool ovah yoah eyes good!”

America: “Well, even though you’re part of an Axis of Evil and all, you won’t uh… you won’t use them, right?”

North Korea: “Aw. Since you-a ask so nicerry, shuwwa theeng.”

America: “Really? No foolin’?”

North Korea: “… HA HA! I HAVE MY FINGAHS CROSS! YOU SO STUPID AMERICAN!”

Actual transcript. Or not. I’m fully aware that my horribly inaccurate mix of Chinese and Korean accents is completely inappropriate, but let me bring up just one important point… HOLY SHIT! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

*Runs*

*Door slams*

Ok, let me get this straight.

1. [ The Axe Might Be Falling For Steven The Dell Kid ] (thanks Sugary75, the first one to get it to me)
2. [ PETA Protesters Pelted With Milk In Scotland ] (thanks FaaQ)
3. [ Truth Website Haxx0r3d ] (Be prepared to run Ad-Aware after viewing

My birthday isn’t even until next week, yet there’s a beautiful bounty of spiteful fun just waiting for me in my inbox. God bless America.

[ Former Lucasfilm Employee Arrested For Supplying Harry Knowles With Pirated Episode II ]

Shea O’Brien Foley, 30, was taken into custody October 8 in Burbank, California, where he works at NBC in the facilities department, authorities said.

Foley is expected to be arraigned on nine counts of grand theft, and four counts of unlawful computer access at an as-yet unspecified date in Marin County, the Northern California base of operations for George Lucas’ dream factories, including Lucasfilm and Industrial Light and Magic.

Yeah, I know. It’s been Slashdotted to Hell, right? Who gives a crap now, right? Well, since you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you. All us old skool MoFos care, because we know this guy. In fact, I’ve probably written a comment (circa Episode I) about what a raging dick he was.

By the by, here’s something you might not find on Slashdot. His AOL site, his personal website, and his website devoted to my favorite theatre.

Now I’m not a complete dick. I don’t think it’s at all nice to make fun of the guy for getting arrested, even if he was stupid enough to do something like this:

But no-leak-tolerance Lucasfilm did want to know how Knowles got his paws on its film, at the time, still two months away from its May 16 release. The company deduced the footage must have come from an in-house source, the Independent Journal says. Foley came under scrutiny because of suspicious postings made under the screen name “Shay” on Star Wars chat rooms, the paper says.

Brilliant pseudonym, jackass. Anyway, like I said, I’ll feel bad if he goes to jail. But I still think it’s funny that he’s going to be blackballed in Hollywood. At least he worked at Lucasfilm, that’s something to have been proud of. I wish I could’ve worked ass-kissing into that kind of art form, but unfortunately my lips are a little too thin.

Fucking Shoot Me Now

Ok, guys. Please, people, friends, countrymen, monkeys…for the love of all that’s holy…we have got to ban together and stop this atrocity. Nip it in the bud. At this rate, over half the people we know by the time we all have grandkids (or old enough to have grandkids) will be going to work in their ‘furry-suits’ and pumping gas in their ‘furry-alls’. I do not want to die in a world that is overrun by ugly fucks in animal outfits who think fucking animals is just a higher state of conscious elegance. I guess I’m a bit biased since I signed a contract with Satan in early 85′ that clearly stated:

…You will not die in a world that resemebles Seasame Street or a world that allows people to be so moronic as to wear plush synthetic clothing in order to pretend to be an animal as to avoid acting like the human being they were born as…if you do die in any of these circumstances your powers of complete cosmic photoshawppery control will be forfeit, you will be forced to play LARP games in hell for eternity…oh, and your soul is mine…

I cannot stand for this any longer. Please, I beg of thee, if you see these a kid wearing one of these damned outfits out in public, maybe at a grocery store, or tractor-pull, or maybe you know of one next door to you…I think you know what to do.

They are three, young black Muslim-Americans who are in a religious rap group called Native Deen, based in a suburb of Washington, D.C. — and they’re part of a growing trend of singing or rapping about Islam.

They rap about growing up, being teased by other kids, saying no to drugs, doing well in school and praying.

But one figure is mentioned over and over again in their songs … Allah. [Story]

I must admit that I have always thought that any musical group that relies more on “message” than “music” has just manufactured a polite way of admitting to themselves that they suck, and they can’t hold a regular job. “If we went ‘mainstream'” they all say, “we would be popular. But we won’t sell out”.

Well, as it turns out, this actually has some truth—if the majority of these message bands were to go mainstream, then kill themselves and hire new musicians and/or a group of rock ’em sock ’em robots to replace them and their self-righteous message, they might have a chance at creating some decent music.

So, naturally, when Native Deen poked its Islamic head into my foxnews this morning, I was a little predisposed to assume failure. But, let me assure you, my opinion turned 360° when I experienced the lyrical onslaught that is Native Deen:

“What’s with the scarf girl, rapped up like a mummy.
They all made jokes and they said that you look funny.
You ran into the bathroom and your friends began to scoff.
After that encounter you had planned to take it off.
But then you thought how much Allah likes how your dressin’.
Pleasin’ him was top priority to you no question.”

Well, at least they didn’t take lame poetry they wrote for a 3rd grade writing assignment, laid down a bass track and called it rap, then expected people to take them seriously.

Wait a minute.

Update: Resident staffer NHDJ1 has just informed me that Fox News had the “toned-down” image of Native Deen on their website (which I shamelessly lifted rather than pull one from my personal collection). To quell the jitters in your pants after hearing that, I present the “original” hardcore image of the holy rap trio, compliments of NHDJ1:

werd.

Well, not really. Didn’t mean to alarm you. But in case you’re living under a rock, the Senate has approved the authorization of the President to commit troops to enforce UN regulations in Iraq. A lotta Dems voted on the side of the President, but that’s to be expected in a situation like this.

In local news, the China Chow gallery is no longer empty, and I’m not wearing any pants. These two occurances are mutually exclusive folks. Ignore the hype.

Two people struggled to subdue a Palestinian suicide bomber before he blew himself up Thursday at a bus stop near Tel Aviv, killing a woman, according to medical sources and Israeli police.

Many were able to evacuate the area before the man detonated the belt.

Neuman said as soon as passengers were off the bus the passenger helping him pin down the bomber looked at him and said: “We must let go together and run. We flew out of there. Then the bomber got up, walked a few meters and exploded.” [Story]

I just wanted to make sure that you were all aware that you should never do this. First of all, if you are dumb enough to play hero, at least have the sense to pin the other guy while you run for safety.

*Me and other guy pin down the bomber*
Other guy: Oh shit! This guy has more explosives than a motherfucker!
Me: My friend, there comes a time in a bowler’s life when he has to step up
Me: …and that bowler is you.
Me: *runs away*

I cheat at video games too.

I’m sure that by now you’ve heard about the jackass who died after playing videogames for 86 hours straight. If you hadn’t, however, let me take a moment to fill you in on the details… *ahem* a jackass died after playing videogames for 86 hours straight. Happy now? *sigh* …oh fine, you big babies.

A 24-year-old South Korean man died after playing computer games nonstop for 86 hours, police said yesterday.

The jobless man, identified by police only by his last name Kim, was found dead at an Internet cafe in Kwangju, 260 kilometres southwest of Seoul, they said.

Quoting witnesses, police detective Oh Myong-sik in Kwangju said the man had been virtually glued to the computer since late last Friday and had no decent sleep and meals.

There, happy now? Life enriched because you read that little snippet? Fantastic. Now where were we?

Ah yes, the Korean taking a Starcraft related dirt nap. Anyway, I’m surprised that I’m hearing so much in the way of sadness regarding this story. I mean seriously, did we really need people like this mucking up our existence? The guy had no job, and a predeliction towards gaming that didn’t just border, but pissed upon the realm of “dangerous”. And now I’m hearing Internet geeks moaning about how “hardcore” this chap must have been to sit on his ass playing games for over three days without food or sleep. C’mon now kids, we all like to pretend we’re hardcore, but at some point your pathetically overweight ass has to shuffle home for some much needed microwave burritos and a little self love. Otherwise you’ll start to remember what a worthless pox on society you are and decide to prematurely shuffle off this mortal coil. While I do support this for those of you with no redeeming qualitites, I’d like to think that your tubby asses could at least serve as nutrition for the starving, hard-working citizens of Africa or something.

Honest to God. Go here right now. If you still feel like drinking Mountain Dew and playinjg Counter Strike until your eyeballs bleed, go seek some counseling. Not sexual or mental counseling, I mean the kind where self-induced arsenic poisoning is involved.

Aside from watching executives bicker in front of me about their primary “action goals” on their upcoming website and nearly getting killed by a speeding forklift, it’s been a fairly odd day. I’m used to odd though, so there’s really no worries in that department. I run this site for God’s sake. Odd is a day where I don’t get an e-mailed eyeful of Goatseman with my morning coffee.

However, I came across a situation today that I was unprepared for. As I was driving home, I encountered my lil’ white haired old grandmother on the road. As I contemplated waving to her, I saw that she was looking straight at my car, with an angered grimace on her face. As I made my turn, I was surprised to see her clearly mouth the words “Son of a BITCH.” at me. I doubt she knew who I was, since she still calls me by the wrong name every now and again and couldn’t hear a cow anally raping Celene Dion in the next room. But still, it’s unsettling to be the victim of inter-familial road rage. That’s a new experience to add to the list. And by the way Mom, if you’re reading, Grandma’s been talkin’ smack on you. Maybe it’s time we talked about nursing home options.

A 75-year-old Bridgeport man has admitted impregnating a 10-year-old girl and is facing a lengthy prison sentence. Jimmie Kave pleaded guilty Tuesday in Superior Court to charges of sexual assault and risk of injury to a minor. [Story]

Now, my first assumption was that this guy is a sick fucker who should be castrated with a plastic picnic knife, have his kneecaps drilled (by spade) with a medium-sized masonry bit, have his toenails removed, and be forced to spend the rest of his life watching re-runs of the Golden Girls and poorly capped copies of Granny Gangbangs 4.

But, after reading the story in its entirety, I realize that maybe I was a little “quick to judge”. In his testimony to police, this child molester reveals a hidden darkside!

Kave admitted having a sexual relationship with the girl beginning when she was 10, but claims she enticed him, police said. Kave told police the girl would have sex in exchange for the new clothes and presents he gave her.

Now I can’t decide which is more fucked up—impregnating a 10-year old girl in exchange for pretty ponies and powerpuff girls® branded clothing, or being able to actually tell police that you were “enticed” by said 10-year old.

KLF?