Category: News

If you haven’t emptied your bank accounts into Sharkey’s PayPal account yet…we’re still waiting on you. Snap to it. Sharkey only gets a birthday once every 300 years when the full blue moon shows its dark side to the earth and the fairy elves of downtown Atlanta paint love signs upon coffee houses across the south, so break open those wallets and…

*gets pulled aside for whisper session*

…ladies and gentlemen, I retract all statements about the fairy elves. From now on ‘fairy elves’ will be referred to as ‘mundanely challenged fair folk’. In any case, our…uh…’mundanely challenged fair folk’ lord (aka Sharkey) shall be receiving his b-day cash deposit from me Friday. Hopefully this will put all those nasty things I said about his cleanliness and personal hygiene habits behind us. I think Pimp Chewy would agree that this is the best course of action.

And now for something completely different…OMG! K!D5 |]0|\|’T n() |-|0|/\| 2 r!t3!!

Alright, alright, just like in basic Algebra. I present you with a word problem, except in this case, the math doesn’t quite work out. Please consult page 542 of your textbooks for the solution.

BERLIN (Reuters) – A cat saved its family by raising the alarm after it touched off a fire, German police said on Monday.

Mimi the black-and-white cat was playing in the family kitchen in the northwest town of Luedenhausen when a misstep switched on an electric oven, which ignited papers stacked next to it.

But Mimi then awoke the family by miaowing loudly and pushing heavy objects on the floor.

“Mimi saved the family. There would have been a major fire had she not raised the alarm,” a police spokesman said.

*stares blankly*

*turns furiously to page 542*

Alright kids, let’s go over this one logically:

Cat + Kitchen = Fire
Cat Warning Family * (Cat + Kitchen) = Heroism
(Cat + Kitchen) – Cat Warning Family = Tragedy

Do you see the simple solution to why these equations don’t add up? Because if you take the cat out altogether, there’s no clear set of results!

The cat was trying to kill you, fuckers, not save you. This was just a warning. The next time lil’ Billy winds up taking a dirt nap. So buy the fucking Whiskas, change the Goddamn litter box, and keep your noses clean.

*cues Vienna Boys Choir*
*gives signal*
*everyone drinks*

You didn’t think I’d have them sing did you? What kind of sick fuck do you think I am?

The title doesn’t lie, my friends, today is the annual celebration of the earthly naturalization of our progenitor, the CEO of this simian-infested playground, Sharkey. So, if you’ve got one, take a minute and drop by the forums to wish the MoFo a happy birthday and a thanks for keeping this place running for so long.

[Sharkey’s Birthday Thread]

And remember MoFos, when you talk to God, it is called Religion. When God talks to you, it is called schizophrenia.

(Note: to precur any suspicions of falsehoods in the information contained in this post, I assure you up front that I have throughly checked the following for typographical errors and mis-typed statements. I also did not make it up.)

[She can’t cut you off is she doesn’t know where you are getting it]

A Modesto man has died after his wife held him down and bit him repeatedly when he refused to have sex with her, police said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

*feeble attempt to catch breath*

Ahahaahahahahaahahhahahaha!

*regaining some composure*

That’s too bad. If he could have hung on another week he might have gotten a free taco.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

…

Well, before you get too excited, it is Taco Bell food, which, according to any self-respecting USDA scientist, is slightly above rocks and a bit below pokemon cards in nutritional value.

Barry Bonds could end up feeding the nation during the San Francisco Giants’ coming World Series home stand if he launches one of his trademark home runs onto a target set up by Taco Bell in the cove behind the right-field fence at Pacific Bell Park.

Taco Bell is installing a 15-foot diameter floating target in McCovey Cove where kayakers and row boaters often bob up and down waiting for a classic Bonds splash down. If Bonds, or any other player from the Giants or the Anaheim Angels, hits the floating target with a home run ball, everyone in America is entitled to a free taco, the food chain proclaimed Monday. [Story]

But it is free, dammit. (though I get the feeling it is “free” as in the type advertised in FREE AOL!—It could possibly be called “free”, if the definition of free was changed to mean “trading your dignity for a shitty, overpriced ISP contract with a shitty, overvalued company”. Though here you could keep a little dignity and possibly get a taco.)

So, I pretty much suck at the baseball lore, tell me baseball mofos, is this one of those gimmicks like hitting a hole in one on a par 5, the prize is up there because it is pretty much theoretically impossible and if you were to pull it off you should be carried out of the stadium on the shoulders of your teammates while hordes of fans sing the familiar “he’s a jolly good fellow”? (Or are we having free tacos this week?

The big benefit of being an independent contractor is the hours. I found that my productivity levels decrease during which that thing you day-dwellers call the “Sun” is in the horizon. I just spent more continuous hours working than uh… well shit, even if I wasn’t half dead and delirious from deprivation, I still wouldn’t be able to think of a time I did that much work in a marathon run. It was worth the effort though, now my big project is nearly out of the way. However, now that I want to sleep, the client will no doubt decide to call me in an hour, eliciting completely involuntary responses from the “asleep Sharkey” who likes to fuck up my professional life. I’m sure the client wouldn’t appreciate my answers to his inquiries and comments having the words “cocksmoker” and “shitfaced dickbiter” thrown in for posterity. Since I don’t trust myself, I’m going to turn off the ringer. Better safe than fired.

If you were wondering where the posts went this weekend, you can find them at a little place called Margaritaville, a suburb of Boozetown, USA. All my friends (thanks to the lil’ woman and Sugary75) threw me a surprise birthday shindig at Dave & Busters, which ended up at the Queen Mary for flaming booze and a Persian Elvis impersonator. Hey, it’s my party and I’ll celebrate how I like. Last night the GF treated me to a Tenacious D show at the House Of Blues, where we caught about a quarter of the (from what I’ve heard) amazing Angels game last night. Not a bad weekend, if I do say so myself, and it’s not even my birthday yet. Frankly with all the alcohol that’s run through my system the last 48 hours, I’m surprised I had the energy to keep my eyes open past midnight, let alone 8 in the damned morning. But that’s what inhalents are for, my children. Whenever you’re feeling tired or down in the mouth, grab a nice bucket of fresh paint. Or as I like to call it, productivity in a can. A can of awaiting latex-based death. Good morning and good night to you all.

Mother of sweet merciful crap, setups do not come much better than this. I’ll let the pudding provide it’s own proof today.

During a recent chat, Bolton, who is uncommonly good at rolling with the punches, cracked when interrogated about Conan O’Brien. The late night talk show host has been nothing but kind to Bolton at charity events or while sharing the diamond during celebrity softball games. However, during his program, O’Brien has tossed heavy barbs at Bolton. “Michael Bolton said yesterday he now wants to become an opera singer which is great since now my dad and I can hate the same kind of music.”

Ouch. “Normally I take all that (abuse) with a grain of salt,” Bolton said. “But if and when I see him I’m going to look at him in the eye and say, ‘I’m shocked.’ If we ever play another softball game together I’m going to drive the ball through his head. He plays third base but he better play outfield because he won’t survive the game.

Jeez Mike, seems like we’re a lil’ sensitive about the derogatory comments. Can’t really blame him though. After 20 years of being told that you’re a ambiguously gay representation of all that has ever sucked, or will come to suck in the future, you might just have to snap. Although I have to criticize his decision of Conan O’Brien as the outlet of his ire. Can’t you pick on someone a little more in your league, Bolton? How about Stephen Hawking? No wait, he’s got all those sweet boxing glove attachments on his wheelchair, you’d get mashed like a potato. Howsabout that kid from Jerry Maguire, Bea Arthur, or a blindfolded Corky from Life Goes On? You stand a slightly better than average chance with each one. I smell another Celebrity Boxing waiting to happen!

Ah, the mail has arrived. Time to slip into my Hef-inspired robe, pour a cold Keystone Light into a brandy snifter, swirl it around to let it breathe, then chuck the rancid bastard into the fire. Enough with the mood music, let’s get on with it.

From: Paul
Subject: dance dance rehab?

Ever seen that dance dance revolution game? you know, all the little asian kids having an epileptic fit on an arcade machine? the game solely designed to embarass white folk from the suburbs with no rhythm?

check this guy out. (7.2MB)

This is the point where hobby becomes disgusting addiction. … And yes, being a white suburbanite who couldn’t bust a move with a pantleg full of Jell-O and a rabid squirrel, I am quite jealous. But hey, take his crutches away and the man is nothing. NOTHING!

Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe, I’m in an extremely spiteful mood today. Must be the weather. Or the uppers.

Couple sue over ‘vicious’ adoption

…The wife said in a statement that at a birthday party in 1999, the boy tried to kill her husband with a carving knife. He was just eight years old at the time. …

My sister was adopted when she was two from Seoul, S. Korea. By the time she was in her teens, she had threatened to kill me, my parents, god, the family pet, and the whole cheerleading squad. She had plenty of visits to the shrink that failed horribly, if not making matters worse. New diagrams (plans that Dr.Doom would have been proud of) were made and found by my mother. We were sure that we would have to erect a defense system involving lasers and an alarm system directly connected to the local military base for reinforcements. A year ago she moved out my parents house and is going to school at a respectable college. Today she one of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure of hanging out with.The moral? I don’t think there is one. But I do know this…rapid fluid motions of a wooden spoon, hand, or paddle contacting upon gluteus maximus puts an end to that kind shit real fast.

Cultural Darwinism at work is a delicious part of this nutritious breakfast. Special thanks to Jerimiah for sending in the latest recipient of “life shoving you down the staircase.” Observe:

A rush hour accident brought traffic to a halt on the Southwest Freeway.

Around 4:30 Tuesday afternoon, a man was struck by a black Chevy truck. The driver stopped to render aid to the victim. Police say the man who was hit was running across the freeway chasing after a partially empty can of beer.

The victim was taken to Memorial Hermann Hospital where he is listed in critical condition. No word if the driver will face any charges.

Face any charges? For doing society a favor? If I were the judge, I’d personally give the guy the next four parking tickets free just for going to the hospital and finishing the job. I’m sory I’m such an unsympathetic bastard, but if you’re running across a crowded freeway chasing a half-full Pabst Blue Ribbon, you deserve an early shove off the mortal coil. Preferably delivered by angry bees, or the grill of a speeding Chevy, whichever you prefer.