Category: News

Well, MoFos, I can’t stay long, but I wanted to make sure that when you immature little shits go out scaring helpless little kids tonight, you remember one thing: The more they cry, the less they have to pee.

ROLL OUT!

Upon exiting the bookstore tonight, the guy parked next to us made me ponder a question to which I have found no answer. So I pose it to you, my loyal friends…

Why, in one of the statistically safest towns on the planet, where the average car is a $50,000 hunk of German luxury, would you possibly feel the need to put The Club on your paint-stripped 1992 Toyota Tercel?

I’m really sorry for what I have to do at the end of this post, but for now, just check out the story for yourself. Or, if you’re lazy like myself…

Green Bay Packers (news) fullback Najeh Davenport agreed Tuesday to do community service to settle charges he broke into a university dormitory and defecated in a sleeping woman’s closet.

Details of the player’s service were not released during his court appearance. He must sign up for the program by Nov. 12. If he completes the program, a felony charge of second-degree burglary and a misdemeanor count of criminal mischief will be dropped.

“Where’s the evidence? Where’s the manure?” Davenport asked outside court. “I know I didn’t do it I just wanted to get it over with.”

Again, I am truly, truly sorry for the transgression that I am about to commit against you.

*AHEM*

If there is no shit, you must acquit.

*Sigh*

I think that we would all agree that in the last several decades humanity has grown leaps and bounds. Why, just 20 years ago, if you were disliked by pretty much everyone who knew you, some people actually had the insincerity to expect you to be less of an assholish prick and treat other people with respect. Well I, for one, am glad to report that in this day and age of enlightenment we have given up on that outdated principle.

However, it turns out that there is some sort of strange psychological human behavior that enjoys having other people sit and listen while we spew the same mundane shit over and over until said other person is ready to tear their hair out and douse themselves in radioactive waste. To suggest that humans need some sort of contact outside of AOL and not making eye contact with the clerk at rent-a-pr0n is truly a thought for the ages.

Luckily, this being the 21st century, rather than force people to develop these relationships and shower occasionally, we have found a solution. And, since we are happily in the DIGITAL AGE OF TECHNOLOGY, this compromise wisely involves robots.

Enter Paro, the furry white robotic seal. Paro, as you could likely assume after seeing that snugly white puff in the picture to the right, “has been acknowledged by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s most soothing robot.”

With tactile sensors beneath the seal costume, as well as sensors for vision, hearing and posture, the robot also has actuators to help it move and programs to enable it to respond positively to stimuli, such as petting and stroking, and negatively to other actions, such as being hit. The robot also generates a rhythm of certain activities such as waking up and falling asleep.

But, as delightfully intriguing as Paro is, I would just like to take a moment and kindly point out to the scientific community that it is OK for shit to “just be cool.” See, I hate it when scientists create an INTERACTIVE ROBOT and then fuck up the wow factor by saying shit like:

“I would like to investigate further the mechanism by which a robot can influence a human psychologically as well as physiologically,” Shibata said when asked what his research has taught him about human beings. He also wants to learn about ways to design and improve the effect robots have on humans.

Not only is it stupid to call this mind-numbingly obvious statement “research”, it is also a waste of time, since everything you could possibly want to know about human behavior can be learned playing Ultima Online: EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO FUCK YOU OVER. That’s right, MoFos, you heard it here first.

See, if your good friend Jacko were ever to invent a human-interaction robot, and they asked me what my research has taught me about human beings, it would go something like this:

“uh, hmm, I don’t really..OH HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT! THE ROBOT JUST ATE YOUR BA…OH SWEET JESUS HE’S ACTIVATING THE LAZER BEAM…RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN”

Come to think of it, this might be why they no longer allow me around the heavy equipment.

Let’s Say Sexy/Nasty Things In Japanese

Since ‘the man’ is refitting the site to work harder than Steve Rogers at saving America, I’ve decided to take a break from my relentless game playing and comic collecting to stretch and massage the old grey matter. No I’m not talking about bukkake. That’s a different type of matter altogether.

I have a friend who’s about to leave for Japan in a few months to teach English. I had no idea how simple a procedure this was. Basically, if you speak English, you can go teach it.

I was wondering about the Japanese language lately, as I’m prone to do after my 2nd Red Bull, and decided that I’m going to learn some bran new words in Japanese and start cussing out my co-workers…WITHOUT THEM EVER KNOWING!!! EVER!!!

The sheer ingenious-ness of this idea has gave me a new lease on life. I’m putting up the bottle and grabbing the internet for a whole new roller-coaster ride on learning how to cuss in multiple languages…except ENGLISH!!! Hopefully by the year 2010 I’ll have completely forgotten how to say any sexually abrasive/degrading words in English and will be able to form sentances constructed from nothing but other language nasty sex words. Nasty Nasty foreign language sex words. Oh be still my beating heart.

…eh..That and 2.55 will get me a cup of coffee.

[ Buy One 3-Piece Meal, Get One Free ] (stolen from el forum, but since it’s my forum, I can do that.)

I know the commentary’s been a little lacking lately, what with all the short, one-or-two-paragraph posts and such. So I’m going to do you a favor.

Welcome to paragraph three. Congratulations. Seriously though, I’ve been busy as a former African-American football hero after slitting two people’s throats on the way to a KFC dinner these past few weeks. I barely have any time to hate my fellow man, let alone sit down and put to text exactly why I hate the scumsuckers. I’m working on stuff for the site though, so at least you won’t feel too unloved once it is unveiled. Until then, why don’t you numb yourself with some pie and ice cream while I get back into the groove.

Fo shizzle, mah nizzle. Oh right, I’m white as Pee Wee Herman at an Outkast concert. Anyway, there are hot pecan slices in game chick costumes there. Just in case you’re into that sort of thing. Pervert.

Have you kids taken a gander at the marvelous piece of literary brilliance that is the supposed sniper demand letter? I didn’t think there was any single way to make the deaths of 6 people seem like pure comedy, but they did it. I especially appreciate the little stars, although I think that dotting the “i’s” with hearts would have finished the job nicely.

Personally, I’m a little let down by the whole fiasco. Wouldn’t it have made us sleep a little more soundly to know that it took some hideous criminal mastermind to kill so many yet evade the police for so long? We get to the conclusion and it turns out these Scooby-Doo-esque villains are the intellectual equivalent of Doug E Fresh and Ned Beatty’s Otis from Superman. Disappointing.

What do you want to be when you grow up? See what these kids want to be.

If you’ve seen it…well, hurrah for you…and stuff.

*runs to the nearest bar to get drink on*

[ Net Enabled Fridges Are Unveiled ]

It could be like one of those cookie jars they sell at Target that growl or talk when you open them. Except the fridge could say “Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, how many slices of cake can you eat in a day, you fat fuck? I’m downloading the number of your local heart emergency clinic, and ordering you a fucking treadmill. And what’s with the nonfat milk? Who the Hell are you trying to kid?”

I’m extra cynical at night. But at least I’ve got one of these on the way. Please guys, don’t try to impress me by ordering one if you don’t have a girl to give it to. And no, mom doesn’t count you sick, sick piece of shit. Oh, uh… I mean buy one. Buy one today. It’s for a good cause.