It’s official, the comic industry is in big fucking trouble. Bolt Boy was going to do a series of interviews with comic creators a few years ago regarding the state of the industry, but he was too Goddamn lazy to do it, and I was actually too lazy to post it for him. Go figure. But in his various chats that he had due to his job at a comic shop at the time, he found that a lot of mainstream creators thought that the industry was in great shape. Apparently mainstream comic creators are complete fuckwits, because at the time, comic shops across the nation were running to invest in fire insurance and lighter fluid, due to lagging sales. Since I’ve been out of it for the past year or so, I can only imagine that things are continually getting worse, since they did have that “Free Comic Day” (ie: please take this shit off our hands day) and more spinoff books than Oprah has weight fluxuations.

I had hopes, but it seems that the comics industry has decided to start clutching at straws, as Marvel reintroduces The Rawhide Kid as the first gay title character in a comic book.

The Rawhide Kid has been a Marvel character since the 1950s both as a main and a secondary character. However, it was not until Zimmerman approached Marvel with his idea of a homosexual Rawhide Kid that sexuality was mentioned in the discussion of the character.

In a bubble in the first edition of the series, Rawhide Kid comments about the Lone Ranger: “I think that mask and the powder blue outfit are fantastic. I can certainly see why the Indian follows him around.”

Brian Reinert, Marvel’s public relations officer, said that Marvel has always been “interested in tapping into stories that are relevant today.” He expects the reactions to this comic to vary.

Just in case you don’t speak PR, allow me to translate. When they say that they are “interested in tapping into stories that are relevant today” they literally mean “We’ll make the Hulk a fucking ballerina that screws poodles if you’ll buy the Goddamn book! Please buy one!”

You have to understand that I have nothing against gay comic book characters. In fact, those of you with comic knowledge will be wondering why he’s considered a breakout character in the face of other homosexual superheroes such as Northstar. Or, if you actually got laid in high school, you’re probably wondering “What the fuck are you talking about, nerd?” Settle down Bruno, I’m in your boat, I’ve been playing that field since before the average BAMF reader got his first pube, so forgive my nerdly extracurricular activities. Besides, if you hide them in a closet you can tell your girlfriend that they’re the pornos you no longer need because you have her in your life. Hooray for lies and double damned lies!

Anyway, I think I was headed for a point here somewhere, but more than likely I was going to rag on the desperation of the comics industry for trying to introduce gay superheroes on a reader base consisting mainly of fat, undersexed teenagers. So there, I’ve accomplished my job. Your job for the day is to figure out a better caption than I did for the above picture. Use the comments script kids, it won’t bite.

The term “comedy gold” gets thrown around a lot these days, but every once in awhile we get something that can truly brighten a person’s day. And no, I’m not talking about naked pictures of Natalie Portman, I’m more referring to the subtle side of humor. Like a crabby aging rocker threatening to kill a woman (1.6MB mp3) on a flight to Tokyo. (Thanks to KirkAngel in the forum for the link, and blabbermouth.net for the news I’m about to swipe)

YNGWIE MALMSTEEN threatened to kill a fellow passenger on a flight to Tokyo, Japan after the woman poured a glassful of water on the guitarist.

The passenger, who had no prior contact with Yngwie, allegedly overheard Malmsteen making derogatory comments about homosexuals and decided to show her disapproval by emptying the contents of her glass on the hefty axeman.

A member of Yngwie’s touring entourage, who was traveling with Malmsteen at the time, had a tape recorder running and managed to catch Yngwie’s reaction on tape immediately after the guitarist was “assaulted” by the offended passenger.

Just in case you (like myself) had no fucking clue who this decrepit-yet-revered rock crybaby is, let me give you a glimpse into the FOCKIN FURY that is Yngwie Malmsteen!

She wants a war, we’ll give ‘er a fockin’ war!

Thank you Internet, there may be hope for you yet…

*Ahem*… not that I want to encourage anyone’s dishonesty around here, nor would I like to see them bend the rules to get free swag out of a major corporation. So I won’t encourage it.

On the other hand, I won’t stop you either.

I’m not going to say that I had anything to do with this, however I have it on good authority that a close friend of mine checked his shipping status this morning, which said that a package had made it’s way to his front door at 9AM. Curious, he went to the door and found two pieces of XBOX bounty waiting for him. Do with that information what you will.

Fed up with restaurants offering “fried pawns” and “bean eurd,” Beijing tourism officials are launching a campaign to stamp out mangled English on menus and public signs, a state newspaper reported Friday.

“There are many ‘Chinglish’ words on road signs, public notices, menus and signs describing scenic spots, which often puzzle foreigners,” the China Daily quoted Xiong Yumei, vice director of the Beijing Tourism Bureau, as saying. [Story]

I believe that this is part of a plot to remove all fun from the universe. Next thing you know they are going to expect us to order without using the chinaman voice.

*finishes with a stolen story so he can get back to his usual routine of playing stratego indoors*
Eating at a chinese restaurant with the family, the waitress (to whom English is a second language) takes everyone’s orders.
She gets to my cousin, who, in his best Chinaman voice, says “I wanna numma six”
His mother gives him a smack upside the head.
The waitress asks “You no want him have numma six?”
Couldn’t help but laugh.

This definitively beats out the “breast examiner booths” of yore in terms of legality, and effectiveness.

[ Pervert priest pinched for ‘holy massage’ ]

Pervert priest pinched for ‘holy massage’

“I just channeled Earth’s vital energy into her in accordance with Shinto ritual. So what I did was not illegal,” 34-year-old Sakamoto told grilling officers.

Midway through the teaching session, Sakamoto suddenly told the girl, “Your problem is a lack of earthly energy. I will channel the energy into you,” and started groping her, according to the victim.

Grand. Catholic priests, don’t let this give you any ideas. Not that you need any, you’ve probably cornered the market on these kind of “one hand washes another” scams. However, I am highly intrigued by the practicies of the Shinto church. For instance, must this Earth energy be transmitted via the hands, or can other extremeties, such as the tongue, be used as a conduit of enlightenment?

Matter of fact, I think I’ve just coined a new euphamism for the wang. Conduit of enlightenment, I like the sound of that. I’m not just a lover baby, I’m a teacher, a bringer of carnal knowledge. So bring on the lucious schoolgirls! When it comes to the plaid skirt wearin’ teen-types, I prefer them hot and quiet. That’s why I keep a roll of duct tape in my car.

*Ahem* Just kidding. *scans for the feds* Happy Monday.

I just gave blood for the first time for some Kings tickets. Were up in the nosebleeds which no doubt accentuates any feelings of wooziness. I think Ill go have a beer to celebrate.

Once again, two links, same theme. What the fuck is going on, did I fall asleep while God let another few million assholes onto the planet? Actually, I guess that happens all the time. That’s what the Malthion X is for. Anyway, links and such:

[ Couple Sells Baby Outside Of Wal-Mart ]

The Harts were arrested Saturday in front of the Danville Wal-Mart Supercenter. Police said they had tried to sell their baby to a prospective adoptive couple for $3,000.

All Hart asked for — and all the Cromers gave her — was “a housecoat to wear at the hospital and a barbecue chicken dinner,” Cromer said.

Did that chicken dinner come with mashed ‘taters and some bisquits? Because if not, those folks got screwed. Always try to haggle. And by the way, this is one more reason that we should demolish every fucking Wal-Mart Supercenter on the face of the Earth. I’ve been to one, and I can tell you that it’s nothing but a breeding ground for trash of all colors, and enough mullets to overwhelm a fleet of barbers.

[ Woman accused of trying to sell her child for bail ]

A 19-year-old woman being held at the Carroll County Detention Center was charged yesterday with trying to sell her 2-year-old son for $250 so she could get out of jail to await trial on a drug charge, police said.

Judith Ann Garland of Baltimore was charged after a two-month investigation that began when the Harford County woman to whom the child was offered for sale called authorities, said Maryland State Police Sgt. James DeWees.

At least she didn’t get talked down to a hundred bucks and a plate of barbecued chicken. Although if she’d been successful, she might have had time to birth herself a few more youngin’s in time to have a mighty fine Thanksgiving dinner next year at Applebees.

Meh, I figure these twisted fucks are too stupid to live, let alone be responsible for the lives of children. So I say let them sell, in fact, we should legalize the shit and set up an eBay for the sole purpose of selling your useless crack babies. We could call it bayBay. Think about it, you can use your handy Paypal debit card to purchase yourself a slightly retarded five year old with a knack for scoring blow at a fair price. That, or you can have yourself a fine Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. In fact, that should be bayBay’s slogan: Kids Or Meat. World hunger problem solved, overpopulation problem solved. Next crisis please.

See, this is why you need me kids. Results.

In a partnership with another badass website, BAMF is pleased to offer you a free Christmas T-Shirt to thank you for being such a loyal reader.

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Hey, Asians are good at math right? (Hooray stereotypes!) Here’s an equation that popped into my head as soon as I saw the two following stories, both posted on the same day.

Numero Uno: [ Train molestation ruling overturned in high court ]

The man was arrested and held in custody for 92 days after a 19-year-old woman accused him of making her feel his private parts on a train on the Seibu Shinjuku Line on the morning of Dec. 5, 2000. He was later convicted by the Tokyo District Court and sentenced to 14 months imprisonment.

Numero Dos: [ Gov’t official arrested for high school girl train groping ]

The official fondled the thigh of an 18-year-old high school girl who sat next to him on a Hankyu Railway Kyoto Line train on the night of last Sunday, police said. He attempted to escape after the train stopped at Takatsuki Station in Osaka Prefecture, but a station staffer subdued him and handed him over to police.

Damned Japanese. It’s so simple and it’s right in front of your face.

Teenage Girls + Trains + Drunk Guys = Molestations

So it’s pretty damned simple. You can’t get rid of drunk guys, because they fuel the economy. You can’t get rid of trains, because they take the drunks to work. So the solution is this: get rid of your luscious teenaged girls. As a pre-emptive measure, I have set up a foundation to help your country get back into good moral standing. Please ship all available hot chicks under the age of 20 to:

Save The Pecan Pie Foundation
C/O The MoFo Den
Irvine, CA
USA

Please include SASE (proper postage required) for return of merchandise once it reaches the age of 20. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.

Thanks to Thucka for filling me in on the fellow that has almost replaced Hugh Hefner as “Who I’d Like To Be As A Lecherous Old Man.”

Rolf Eden, a Berlin property tycoon, former nightclub owner, and all-purpose celebrity, says he is offering $125,000 to any woman, from anywhere in the world, who can kill him with sex.

“My real desire is to die on a lady, while making love,” Eden said. “A lawyer has my will, and in my will I have $125,000 for this lady.”

Eden says that even at age 72 he is fit as a fiddle, and ready for love. He claims he will pay for an unspecified number of women to fly to Berlin from various parts of the world, for a couple of days of sexual activity, providing they fit his criteria.

*God-awful pun is about to enter your line of sight. Take caution*

Well, at least he wants to go out with a bang! Get it? …See cuz he wants to… go out having… you know and it’s…

Fuck all of you. It’s 2AM and I have video games to finish before Christmas.