Category: News

I have decided to be lame by starting my own livejournal and doubly lame by spamming my LJ here on BAMF.

Also, if you like scams and pyramid schemes, go here.

As long as I’m doing all this spamming I might as well direct you to Roosh’s Denise Richards worship page. It’s no SOTD, but there’s still some good stuff on there.

By the way, if you didn’t like this post then I have two words for you. Go fuck yourself.

You can thank Tazz for sending in our latest slice, pictures and all. I wholeheartedly agree with her slice-worthiness, especially considering the fact that my girlfriend makes me watch her on that Goddamn Buffy show every now and again. And I’ll bet ten bucks I get forced to see this guaranteed-to-suck-balls flick Darkness Falls starring her, so I figure I may as well exhibit to you the only reason for sitting in front of that screen for 90 minutes. Guys, I give you the lovely Emma Caulfield.

Hooray for pie, hooray for booze. My Friday night may not be a total wash. Better pack the NyQuil, just in case.

You know, being a conservative fellow, it’s an odd time when there is such a wide divide in support for your political party’s decisions, especially when that party is in control of the Presidency. However, it’s always nice to know that there are some charming Democrats out there who want to fuck up their own party under the guise of trying to help. Kind of like a Mr. Magoo of helpfulness, fucking up everyone’s universe while just trying to get a damned cup of coffee. Soon enough, the Dems will get their Magoo back, in the form of Jerry Springer.

Talk show host Jerry Springer has a secret of his own to share: He’s considering running for the U.S. Senate next year.

Springer, a Democrat, said he’ll decide by summer whether to challenge George Voinovich, a Republican who has said he’ll run for a second term in 2004.

“I want to be helpful in rebuilding the party,” he said. “Whether I have to be a candidate is a totally separate issue. … I don’t need a job.”

I know, he was a Mayor back in the 80s, but who gives a shit about that. You can’t sit and mediate a show containing 400lb Klan members who’s mothers are dating black womenin prison without coming out of it a little bit “tweaked”. True, he’s probably got expertise in diffusing explosive situations, such as stopping a buck toothed redneck from bashing his wife in the head with a folding chair, but I sincerely doubt that this will translate well to the Senate floor. Somehow I doubt that Trent Lott is going to try ripping out his seat and clobbering Hillary Clinton with it… although I might watch more CSPAN if he did.

Where was I? Ah, whatever. Good luck Jerry, if nothing else, you might get more half naked women on the tube.

I’m not sure what the reaction will be to this. For the most part, I haven’t been able to laugh at a lot of the stuff contained in Tardblog, a blog written by a special ed teacher about her daily trials and tribulations with her “tards”, but every now and again there are some true gems. And I know that for even slightly enjoying this, I will have to answer to someone someday.

— I am reading “Red Racer” to the kids. It is about a girl who tries to ruin her bike so her parents will buy her a new one. One page describes the sound as her bike goes over a cliff like this “bong, bong, bong.” Ivan raised his hand and said his dad has a bong

–I got a Starbucks gift card from a girl whose mom has attempted suicide numerous times. The gift card was for 20 bucks. I was slightly excited about it, because this is finally a gift I can use, as opposed to the normal tard gifts. I tried to use it the next day. The Starbucks cashier swiped it, and then asked me to wait while she got a manager. The card had never been activated! The mother had jacked it from Starbucks without considering the whole activation aspect.

Some of the stories are messed up, some are hilarious, and some are just really fucking sad. Especially the ones concerning the parents of these poor kids. Anyway, I just finished up by reading the story about the “mom with the deer suit”, so I’m feeling fairly unsettled. I think I’ll down the leftover NyQuil and hit the sack.

I found some interesting pictures from the Project Greenlight party featuring Britney Spear’s nipples, therefore I have made her the Slice Of The Day. Enjoy.

And just so you know, I promise that I will never, ever run a site in which this guy is your slice of the day. That’s just a cruel world to live in. (Please note: if unsatisfied with this potential nerd photoshoppin’ gold, please returned unused portions for a full refund. I’ll give you a hint: the unused portions can usually be found in a nerd’s pants.)

[ Obesity Suit Against McDonalds Dismissed ]

Thank God, I’d hate to think that there was a court out there who could possibly conceive that somebody could be misled into beleiving that a Super-sized Big Mac Value Meal could be considered a non-ass-widening part of your nutritious breakfast. Especially if you decide to use a milkshake instead of ketchup as a dipping sauce for your fries.

Too bad though, I was considering bringing a suit against my Grandmother for all this holiday chub that my beer gut put on during the month of December. Like I can figure out that seconds and thirds on turkey and stuffing would result in my ass jiggling.

Faaq just sent me an interesting link. Seems that our old friend R. Kelly has gone ahead and got himself arrested for possession of child pornography, starring himself. …AGAIN.

During the search, police found 12 digital images depicting sexual activity by a female who was under 18 years of age, according to a Polk County police spokesman.

“Three of the 12 photos depicted Mr. Kelly engaged in sexual activity,” said Col. Grady Judd.

Kelly, a Grammy award-winning artist, has been out on bond and awaiting trial on 21 counts of child pornography in Chicago. Those charges stem from a videotape authorities say shows him having sex with a 13-year-old girl. Kelly, 36, has denied that charge.

Kelly also has been the focus of at least four lawsuits. Three of the lawsuits accuse him of having sex with underage girls. Two of those three have been settled, but Kelly’s lawyers have said they will fight the third.

Pardon me, four lawsuits concerning sex with underage girls? This guy’s banged more underage tail than most of you will ever see legitimately. You’d think he’d get the hint that not only wangifying an underager, but videotaping those acts, is kind of a retarded maneuver. I guess you don’t need common sense when you’ve got a good lawyer though. He’s just taking a cue from OJ there. Honestly though, at what point do you stop and think to yourself, “Hmm… I’ve payed out a fortune in settlements. Maybe it’s time I stopped fucking 13-year-olds. Or maybe it’s just time I stopped taping it…” Perhaps somebody oughtta send R. Kelly the link to that ageofconsent.com that Klfjoat seemed to enjoy so much. After he posts bail, that is.

Kevin Mitnick becomes completely free today, regaining the use of a computer. Now all you nerd old timers can take down those Goddamn bumper stickers and banner ads.

Personally, I find it more interesting that I am currently snacking on a bag of what is apparently a cross-breed of Cracker Jack flavor and Chee-Tos texture. Damn you Japanese market, why must your crazy delicacies tempt me with your delicious use of Engrish and happy cartoon stalks of corn.

Just to bring a little bit of sunshine to your Monday, I submit the previously unknown redhead Miranda Otto as today’s slice of the day. For those of you living in a ditch with a wet blanket over your head, Ms. Otto plays Eowyn in the new Lord Of The Rings flick, which I went to go see again last night. Slight nipple action ahead:

Always room for a new redhead. Or brunette, or blondes, I’m sure if you’re reading this, statistically speaking, you’d take what you could get. Especially if she had points on the profits of LOTR, which I’m sure Miranda here does not. But if she did, that’d be one sweet horse to hitch your wagon train to. Besides, you can already see from the picture that Miranda does not suffer from the dreaded plague of the third nipple. I’m speaking from experience here kids when I tell you, it’s not as intriguing as you might think.

By the way, the Minibosses put out a couple of new tracks, namely the long-awaited Mega Man 2 and a bonus bit o’ Castlevania 3. And now that this nerd-fest of a post is complete, I’m going to go bask in some actual sunlight and wait for the insurance folk to put down their pitchforks and sacrificial goats and call me back.

The recorded line for my insurance company runs through this automated message to filter out anyone who isn’t calling in regards to reporting a claim. The first pre-recorded tidbit I received was that “if this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911”. I didn’t think much of it at first, since I figured there must have been at least one dipshit who noticed his car was getting broken into and decided to call his insurance company, rather than the cops, to make sure he was adequately covered. However, I was told this lovely piece of information another five goddamn times. Who sits there during an emergency situation listening to bad muzak versions of Rod Stewart’s vocal bowel movements while waiting to report that some hoodlums are, at that moment, destroying his Toyota Tercel. You know that with the five messages I had to endure, it’s happened at least once.

Anyway, seems that I was covered, but I’ve got a $500 deductible. Not so bad, considering what the bastards did to my dashboard. And they cover my stereo up to a grand. Now the desperate hunt to find the wayward receipt begins. Wish me luck. And if anyone has advice (especially if it involves making the homeowners insurance pay for anything, because I hate them for their lackluster security which only exists to tow my car) please feel free to share.