Category: News

Does he do this shit to himself on purpose?

“If there were no children on this earth, if someone announced all kids were dead, I would jump off the balcony immediately.”

— MICHAEL JACKSON, father of three, in an interview with a British documentary maker.

Wow. So many jokes are running through my brain that I just might overheat and set off the smoke detector. God bless you Michael, for doing my job for me.

January’s Results:

Life: 1
Jacko: 0

Procrastination really sucks. Well, that is until you are out of the mess that said procrastination comfortably generated for you, and think about all of the time you had to do whatever you wanted, then it doesn’t seem so bad. Except for the fact that I posted maybe twice in January. That part is pretty lame, just like me.

But, as much as I would like to leave this for another day, there is work to be done. See, with the recent shuttle disaster, many important things that would usually be on our minds and on the newsreel have been overlooked. Take Cecelia O’Hare, for instance. On the same day as the atmospheric catastrophe currently hogging the airways, this caring, gentle wife was innocently dining at a Panama City McDonalds when she “lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her husband.” (quoted from her lawsuit). Husband hit by a bus? Ran away with a stripper?

Worse.

A couple is suing the franchisee of a McDonald’s restaurant, claiming an improperly prepared bagel damaged the husband’s teeth and their marriage.

They alleged the McDonald’s, owned by Johnstone Foods Inc., was negligent and violated an “implied warranty that the food sold was reasonably fit for human consumption.”

They contend in the suit that John O’Hare broke teeth and bridgework on Feb. 1, 2002 when he bit into the bagel. The suit did not say what exactly was wrong with the bagel.

The suit alleges the wife “lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her husband.” The couple’s attorney, Tim Warner, did not return telephone messages left at his office.

You are probably thinking the same thing I am thinking: when did McDonalds start selling bagels? That and I hope that his wife is OK. Sometimes survival is worse than death, my friends.

According to my calculations (I made none), unless you dumped the bagel out of the bag and started eating the damn thing off the table with no hands, it would be pretty hard to not notice the destructive capabilities of a tooth-chippin’ bagel.

But, it is still pretty hard to blame the guy. After all, in his own lawsuit he states that he assumed McDonald’s food was “reasonably fit for human consumption.” When you start out that horribly wrong, it’s almost a guarantee that someone will lose a tooth.

Oh, according to Harlan Bakeries, the production line for the creation of mcDonalds bagels was added in 1999. Just thought you’d like to know for when you don’t eat there.

Looks like things are back to normal. I guess that means the redesign and such can go back to its normal schedule of me sitting on my ass planning to finish it, you rolling your eyes at the fact that it will take forever and a day, and me going to the kitchen for a coke and not coming back until the next day. Ad infinitum.

By the way, Boondock Saints is ridiculously grand. I hadn’t even seen it until around October, which I now see to be the heinous crime that it truly was.

This is why I hate damn near everyone. You need me in a position of total control in this country, because we’d all feel so much better about ourselves after watching our enemies being publicly purple-nurpled. WHOOT WHOOT!

I know a lot of you must be watching Joe Millionaire like I am, because the show is maniacally evil. And maniacal evil, of course, will be a cornerstone of my platform for world domination. So far it seems like $50 Million, uh… I mean Evan, has macked on a few chicks, and probably gone to third base with that Sarah chicks, if the slurping and moaning sounds are to be believed. Since she’s just a moneygrubbing skank like the rest (except the Disneyesque Zora *sigh*) it’s not that hard to beleive that she’d attempt a little judge-swaying by displaying her skills at wang mouthification. However, we can’t cast any aspersions on her morals for something that we can’t prove.

So let’s cast aspersions on her morals for something that we CAN prove, shall we? Foot fetish porn is, after all, second only to punching disabled senior citizens in the realm of moral bankruptcy.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Thanks Daryl)

No need for any of the real reading, the picture is worth a thousand words.

Seems that a Portugese student is under investigation after spraying toxic gas into his classroom to delay having to take a math test. A tad overzealous, but effective. Well, if winding up behind bars is effective, but sacrifices must be made.

The test was canceled and the 16-year-old’s teacher and six other pupils were taken to a hospital Monday, complaining of irritation, but were discharged shortly afterwards.

“He didn’t have much idea of the consequences. It was the first incident of its type at this school and the case is still under investigation,” the spokeswoman said in Santa Maria da Feira, near Portugal’s second city Oporto.

Now, I don’t like to go blaming the media in situations like this, but I don’t know how else the little bastard could’ve concocted a scheme like this without a little television tutelage. But where on Earth could he have seen a show that would teach him to sabotage a class with such an extravagant stunt just to delay a math test? Hmm…

Zach mischief brought to you by X-E.

Have they got the Superstation in Lisbon? Damn you AOL Time Warner, is there no end to your evil deeds?

Well, there’s not much to say about Harry Knowles starting up a gaming site. Actually, that’s a damned dirty lie, there are all kinds of expletives roaming around due to this piece of news. However, since I’m knee deep in playing with my fantastic new Wacom tablet and this phenomenal program, I figured I’d spend ten minutes and whip up a sketch of what I believe will be the future of the gaming industry after fatty decides to shuffle through it.

This sketching stuff is grand. Sometimes it can be hard to bring my visions to life with mere words, so these illustrations can help. Maybe tomorrow I’ll draw up our plans for using Quebec as the world’s largest golf course/parking lot. Full color illustrations of what we’ll do with the inhabitants to follow.

I know, we have a movies section. But do any of you really even try looking in there anymore? I run the place, and I haven’t looked in there since the Clinton administration. Anyway, I’d just like to go over some of the shizzle in our summer blockbuster nizzle, that has me salivating like Harry Knowles at a Vegas buffet. If you missed the Superbowl (fucking commie), you missed some great movie trailers.

First on the list is The Hulk, with Ang Lee handling the directin’ and Jennifer Connelly directin’ the handling. And by handling I mean the self-handling you’ll be doing at home after seeing her in this flick. I just pray that this flick doesn’t wind up becoming another comic-book stinkfest like The Punisher. But no fear, you cannot stick a guy who’s name phonetically sounds so close to the main character he’s playing (Bana:Banner) into a film without that film coming out as the celluloid representation of solid gold. Plus, there’s destruction galore and the aforementioned Connely. Failure is not an option here.

Next up is The Matrix, which is probably the most anticipated flick of the summer, so I really don’t need to discuss it at all. Just don’t let it suck, or nerds everywhere will suffer a horrifying revelation: Carrie Ann Moss is not very hot. Shhh…

Let’s see, then there’s Terminator 3, which, if you take statistics into account, will probably suck rancid ass out of a straw. I think I used my daily quota of similes in that first paragraph alone, so I’ll have to cut this one short.

Bruce Almighty looks fairly funny, and I hope for Adam Sandler’s sake that his new flick Anger Management isn’t a huge pile, or he’ll be lucky if they let his ass back on SNL. BTW, their halftime show was fucking amazing. (I ain’t restin’ until there’s a black Keebler elf in that damn cartoon!) Anyway, it’s late and I’m done digging up the trailers that I wanted to see again and regurgitating them at you. I’ll leave you with this one final note: Go see Darkness Falls, it’s the one big surprise of the season.

By the way, the big surprise is when you find that you’ve clawed your own fucking eyes out in freakish agony, and somehow reached a state of complete inner peace. At least, that is, until you realize that you can still hear it…

I just saw a commercial for a law firm who is asking for any clients who have been sexually abused by Catholic priests to call their toll-free number for information on representation so that the victims can “hold the wrongdoers accountable”. This is quite possibly the best thing on TV to date. An ad asking anyone who’s blown Father Dowling to cash in quick. Smell that, lawyers? That’s the fucking smell of opportunity! Or is it fire and brimstone? This almost makes me sad that the whole suit against McDonalds didn’t go through. Imagine the commercials for that lawsuit.

“Attention Americans, are you so fat that neighborhood children cry when they hear you exclaim ‘I’m hungry’? Are you so morbidly obese that when you get a papercut it bleeds a solution mainly comprised of pork fat? Are you so Goddamned repulsively rotund that a pitchfork looks like a standard eating utensil in your brobdingnagianly colossal mitts? Well my dear friends, have we got the lawsuit for you! Did you know that it’s not your fault you’re a big fat load? Nope, it’s McDonald’s fault for not telling you that brushing your teeth with Ranch dressing and gargling with milkshakes is not an effective way to keep a slim and slender figure! Call now to sue the pants off of them, and we’ll throw in this delicious Christmas ham! It’s a few weeks old by now, but with that hoover vacuum of a maw you’ve got, it won’t make a lick of difference! Oh yeah, almost forgot! If a Catholic priest ever somehow managed to molest your disgustingly immense form, give us a call, we’ll throw in some stale pie!”

I’m a little bitter because I’m suffering from insomnia and the only thing on is Suburban Commando. Share in my pain, my friends. Share and share alike.