Category: News

[ Sharkey’s Speech Project Contest ] — If you’ve been wanting full access to the forum and a custom title, nows your chance to win one, and choose what I have to say for two minutes in my speech class tomorrow. It’s a win-win situation.

Tracer Bullet suggested today’s slice, claiming “If yo bitch ass don’t be puttin’ my wife Gabrielle Union up, I’ll cuts yo throat and piss on yo’ grave, sucka!” I quickly reminded him that he was not only half-white, but all suburbanite. He wanted to respond, but then he went off on some tangeant about how accurate his pissin’ skills were when he was drunk and then fell into the fetal position. So I figure he’ll be happy when he wakes up to find Gabrielle Union as slice of the day.

Is it just me, or is it wrong for a grown man to have a Scott Bakula fetish?

[ Mr. Rogers Succumbs To Cancer At Age 74 ]

I haven’t much in the way of smartass comments in relation to this post. The man did a lot of good for kids throughout the years, he deserves a little respect.

…he also scarred me for life when I found out that he swam naked every morning. I’m sorry, I mean no disrespect, but he taught me to be honest with myself. And honestly Fred, that was an overshare. *shudders* Anyway, see you Mr. Rogers. The way TV is going these days, you were the last bastion of hope for wholesomeness on children’s television.

Even though Daredevil left me with an ass-taste in my mouth for a few days, Jennifer Garner has yet to do me wrong. So in celebration of that fact, she is your slice of the day.

Since there seem to be very few hot pics of her on the web, I humbly request that if you have any pics of her that just smoke right through your screen, please send them to me. If they arent in the gallery already, that is. At least look, you lazy pricks, there’s boobies in them thar hills.

This reminds me of those old Warner Bros cartoons where the bad guy would dress up as a chick, and then the doofus hero would fall for him and then cause the bad guy to basically get molested. Yeah, I’d like to think that PETA might be molested one day. For now I think I’ll settle on listening to them bitch in vain about how Wisconsin should change it’s official beverage from milk to beer. Oh you smarmy PETA bastards, we still recognize you underneath that blonde wig and the fake titties…

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants Gov. Jim Doyle to change Wisconsin’s official beverage from milk to beer, saying milk is harmful to humans and is meant for calves.

PETA said in a letter to Doyle Tuesday that beer is healthier than cow’s milk, which the group argued could cause heart disease, cancer, allergies, diabetes and obesity. Milk consumption causes dairy cows stress because they are kept in a constant state of impregnation, the letter said.

PETA first came up with the beer-for-milk national campaign two years ago, but it was retired after being criticized by Mothers Against Drunk Driving and other groups. The animal rights group renewed the campaign last spring.

See that last bit about how MADD shut down the idea? Well, I have inside information that after that little debacle, PETA changed the idea for the official state drink to be non-alcoholic Odoul’s Premium. …But then OSMAFA, or Overweight Soccer Moms Against Fatter Asses stepped in and they had to change it to new and improved Odoul’s Non-Fat Light brew. Of course, then the diabetic groups and all the kids who bought it thinking that their fake ID had just scored them some real beer started bitching, so now there’s a special version of “standardized sugar nonfat non-alcoholic dont-buy-this-it-aint-real-beer Near Beer” being developed so that Wisconsin can replace their filthy and disgusting milk with this delicious beverage that tastes not at all unlike pee, but less warm if you put it in the freezer for awhile.

In other news, when the fuck did beer become better for you than milk? I thought that was bullshit I fed to my mom when I was 16, but I suppose now I get to take back one misappropriated karma point. If I wasn’t already drunk, I’d toss one back to celebrate.

Who knew that a 9-foot wang could cause so much damned trouble?

The 9-foot snow phallus, constructed in Tercentenary Theater, was torn down just hours after its erection. But its impression still sparked an intense debate, from dining halls to dorm rooms, over the appropriateness of public displays of genitalia.

It was offensive because it was pornographic, said Amy E. Keel 04, who said she and her roommate dismantled the giant snow penis. As a feminist, pornography is degrading to women and creates a violent atmosphere, she said.

Women do not need to be reminded of the power of the symbol of the male genitalia, Rosenfeld said. My guess is that they are constantly reminded of it in daily messages.

Don’t hate the wang baby, hate the asshole that the wang is attached to. And in this case, there is no asshole, just a big pile of snow. So therefore there’s no hate baby, there’s no hate. So let’s all get together and feel a little wang-love, you damned oversensetive femenists.

She’s still a tad forbidden, but that probably doesn’t matter to most of you. Besides, it all depends on what state you live in. Most of you nerds (And guys who can’t say no to your girlfriends) will recognize her from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, others will recognize her from… well, nothing I guess. Take a gander at Michelle Trachtenberg.

This will be a pretty good week for slices, I had some really good suggestions recently.

I’ve been wondering what this God-awful stench was for the last week or so, then I took a look at the bottom of my shoes and realized that I had stepped in some Daredevil and had yet to wipe it off.

Well, as I was attempting to get some work done last night, my girlfriend tragically flipped on the 45th Annual Grammy Awards. I went on for twenty minutes, not knowing exactly why the sounds that I was hearing had simultaneously given me a taste of vomit in my mouth and a feeling of impending doom in my bowels. Could’ve been the undercooked chicken I had for dinner too, but I think Dustin Hoffman’s little speech had more to do with my body’s wish to expel fluids from any possible orifice than salmonella ever could.

First off, let’s start with Bruce Springsteen. When the Hell did The Boss start to The Suck? Everyone gave him a standing ovation for a performance that made me want to tear off my own ears and send them back to the factory for a good cleaning. His backup singers looked just as goofy as he did while singing, and sounded twice as bad. I would like to believe that the audience was clapping because the music had finally ended, and their ears could breathe a sigh of relief. But that can’t be the case, as these poor bastards were at the Grammy’s, the pain had just begun.

Next up we’ve got Erykah Badu, who would probably call me a racist cracker for even mocking her presentation. Well if being a racist cracker means mocking you for fucking up reading a teleprompter, then racist cracker suits me just fine, lil’ missy. “Wait for applause”, holy shit do we have trouble in our educational system.

Then you’ve got those Dixie Chicks playing their cover of Smashing Pumpkin’s cover of Fleetwood Mac’s Landslide. I gotta admit, those girls have got something. And what they have, is over-fucking-exposure. I don’t ever listen to country, unless tied down and forced. But I swear, I’ve heard that lackluster cover more times than I’ve heard Stairway and the Friends theme song combined.

Lastly, I’d like to sum up by saying that after watching a mere ten minutes, I’d had enough to write an entire few paragraphs of sheer hatred. Then I spent four minutes watching a post-show wrapup while waiting for the weather, and thanked God that I didn’t watch any more. Who the Hell are these people, and why haven’t I heard of them? The newscasters were bickering over who should have won awards, and the nominees were no more recognizable to me than victory would be to the French. Either I’ve lost track of what good music is, or music has become so shitty in general that there’s no point in even paying attention. They may as well have given a Grammy to Clint Howard, at least I like Clint Howard.

By the way, I do not know why everyone cares about this Norah Jones chick, and I certainly don’t give a shit who her father is, but I can tell you this: she’ll make a fine addition to Slice Of The Day. Send the boobies to me children, my eyes must be cleansed of their Grammy-riddled nightmares.

But not in the form you’re thinking… [ Kidshealth: I’m a Guy… So How Come I’m Developing Breasts? ]

They take a really roundabout route to avoid telling these kids to stop eating so many Goddamn Twinkies.