Category: News

I had a request for more Leah Remini, so I dug it up and slapped it on the grill and set the bastard to simmer. I know that made no sense, but uh… look, titties! *runs*

I only know her from Saved By The Bell, but she’s also on that show King Of Queens, which is about a fat dumbass who somehow lands an incredibly hot wife without being rich or interesting. And the moose-cock aspect couldn’t factor in, because it would be eclipsed by his King Of Bellies. Based upon this evidence, I find the show unrealistic and therefore not worth my time.

…yes, I’m jealous. Even of a TV wife. Don’t judge me, fucker.

Something tells me that this isn’t exactly their target audience, but it’s a funny ad nonetheless. Doesn’t hurt that the chick is smokin’ hot to boot. Although since it is a European ad, you can only imagine what’s going on inside her mouth.

Was that a euphamism? I said it, and even I’m uncertain.

Oh that wacky Jack Valenti. What will he think of next?

MPAA chief Jack Valenti has unveiled a public service film that the industry hopes to show in movie theaters to discourage online piracy. Speaking to the annual ShoWest industry Valenti said that the MPAA plans to produce international versions of the film that will feature stars from the countries where it is shown. “If it works, we hope it can make a modest impress on the consciousness of people who don’t want to steal,” he said. “Even though in the digital world, it is so easy to do so. We have a massive task ahead of us.”

For those of you who do not wish to pay the hefty $9.00 fee to see this anti-piracy film, it will be available for download on Kazaa about three days after it is released.

S’ank you. I’ll be here all ze veek.

Maybe if we watch long enough, we can catch Mers or Bis attempting to nab more boobie shots, or chicks holding the ol’ Fuk Chachi sign.

[ BourboCam ] :: [ Bourbon Street Live Cam ] :: [ Fat Harry’s Cam ]

That last one is sort of boring, unless you find watching drunks hail taxi’s interesting. The first two have definite boobie potential, so please watch responsibly. Of course, I could have said damn near anything at the end of that sentence, since at the first mention of titties, I’m certain that all literate readers immediately clicked the Hell out of here. That basically means that I’m typing to a strict audience of illiterates, non-English speakers, gay guys, and women with no homosexual tendencies. Since I’ve got you here, I’d just like to say that I’ve been practicing my golf swing, and it’s really been coming along. I think I’ll hit the links tomorrow and smoke a nice cigar to celebrate. I only say this to you poor bastards because the straight titty loving males and the bi-curious chicks are my bread and butter, and probably don’t give a shit about my swing. But since you’re still here and reading this drivel after I so pointedly objectified women and their bosoms, I figure you’ll stick around for damn near anything. God bless you.

I tried watching her on TV the other day, but I’ve got to admit that it was so mind-numbing, I had to mute the TV, once my brain remembered how to operate my thumbs. After that, I began to appreciate the aesthetic values of Kelly Ripa, but then that ass Regis Philbin came on and my wang reached up, slapped me in the face and changed the channel for me. True story. So I decided that Ms. Ripa needed her own slice gallery. If you’ve got any additions to make, I’d appreciate it. Now enjoy the Regis-less wang enhancing images.

Yeah, even muted you can tell that she’s annoying. But that’s all the more reason to make like my wang and slap her in the face… with your wang. …It’s late.

[ Major 9/11 Planning Suspect Arrested With Two Cohorts ]

And according to the FBI files, it was on one of his two “used birthdays.” Happy birthday asshat, we’re sending you an orange jumpsuit and some cigarettes you can use to purchase some quality time with your anal virginity for a few more days. You’ll miss it when it’s gone.

Actually, what do we do with these poor fellas? Would they go to camp X-ray, if there even is still a camp X-ray? I’ve been sort of neglecting this whole end of the debacle, so pardon my (and the rest of the US, for the most part) ignorance on this occasion.

Hoo boy, fun stuff to tell you about today. But for now I’ve gotta get the Hell outta here and acquire some Krispy Kremes, know what I’m sayin’? In the meantime, you go ahead and get better acquainted with Zooey Deschanel.

Zooey was most memorable in flicks like Almost Famous and Mumford, but you don’t care about that. You care about boobies. So why are you still reading this?

Time for me to make a complete ass of myself in front of my speech class. I’d say wish me luck, but apparently ninja’s don’t need luck. Ninjas just need an oversized shirt and a 3×5 index card with speech notes, apparently.

Update: That went pretty damned well, if I do say so myself. I improved a lot of comedy, so I got a lot of compliments. I had to get the whole thing on video because the teacher likes us to watch ourselves so that we know how retarded we seem. Maybe Ill slap up a vidcap of me making an ass of myself with my head wrapped in a t-shirt in front of the class.

Four slices, four days. It’s like the Goddamn Twilight Zone in here, only with more titties. Anyway, today’s slice comes at the request of That One Guy, who was wondering why Julia Stiles was omitted from the slice archives. Good question Guy, the answer is… she isn’t… anymore. Enjoy.

Julia here is going to be in a flick called Mona Lisa Smile, which hopefully will not star her recurring character that she plays in nearly every movie, “slightly fiesty and slightly rebellious blonde girl who looks like Julia Stiles”. She did that quite well in O. Or was that Save The Last Dance? Ah who cares, just look at her boobies and have a happy Friday.

Well, they promised that they would not, could not, and uh… would not do a sequel to Joe Millionaire. The Fox folk’s said that it was unethical, and unthinkable that anyone would fall for it again, so no reason to do it. Well, scratch that last reason, and ethics are for pussies, because Joe Millionaire 2 will be hitting your TV as soon as they can shit it out. Dig:

Fox programming chief Gail Berman would not explain how Fox expected to mount a second edition of the series, in which 20 women competed for the affections of a hunky $19,000-a-year construction worker they had been misled to believe was heir to a $50 million estate.

I cant go into any detail, Berman told TV critics during a conference call to discuss the networks first-ever February ratings derby win.

We have cracked the way to do it.

BAMFs simian insider network is reporting to me that the answer lies in Berman’s very statement made above: crack. That’s right, they’re moving the show to Vegas, and staffing the chick pool with completely idiotic gamblers-anonymous rejected crack whores. And rather than $50 million, they’re going to claim this fella has $100 million. That’ll throw them off the trail. Well, that and the crack, and the constant torment that is their lives. But won’t it be fun in the end when the happy couple has their strength tested when Joe Millionaire is revealed to be another penniless guy who works at the Vegas Coke Museum? Will love prevail? Stay tuned!

Speaking of everlasting love spawned from the Fox network, here’s what IMDB had to say about some controversy regarding the last episode:

Zora Andrich, who had been making some unflattering comments about Evan “Joe Millionaire” Marriott in recent interviews, confirmed in an interview with TV Guide Online that she and Marriott have broken up. “I realized almost immediately after the taping of the final episode … that it wasn’t meant to be,” she said. Asked why that attitude was not apparent on Monday’s Aftermath special, Andrich replied that while she and Marriott were “both genuinely happy to see each other … there was also some editing done that gave the viewer more hope than there was.”

*sniffle*… you mean they’re… NOT TOGETHER!?!? *curls up into fetal position* All my hopes for love and happiness have been shattered into thousands of fragments of their former unified self! If those two can’t make it, what chance have the rest of us got? *Sobs*

Oh well, there’s always season 2. Hopefully the new Joe has a seriously great crack hookup.