Category: News

After my buddy Saddam carved out his little niche on the web, I guess it was high time my other good pal, Kim Jong-Il did the same. He’s actually a pretty good guy with a pretty sharp wit. Don’t let him offer you any food though as it probably has doggy in it. Gross! Or possibly “Delicious!”, if you’re korean or some other dog-eating nationality.

You’ll pardon me while I wag the dog a little bit, I’m sure none of you will mind a little bit of pie with all the turmoil and such. How about a little bit of British pastry to accompany your breakfast? Here’s the delicious Lisa Snowdon.

I know this is usually where I follow up with some witty commentary, but I’d really just like to know when we’re going to get more pics of the girls from Tatu nude. They’re legal now, right? I heard they were doing Playboy, or some European equivalent. There’s something about that cheesy, soft-porn style mock lesbianism that seems to strike a positive chord in the pants of men worldwide. I am proud to be a member of that proud stereotype. Carry on, brothers and sisters.

What in the Hell.

CLEVELAND In keeping its theme of transparency with financial transactions, one insurance company features a naked man in its annual report. The Progressive insurance company has spiced up its usually straight-laced financial document with photos of a nude 82-year-old man. But don’t worry, the old guy doesn’t reveal all of his hidden assets. Strategically placed hands and knees protect his modesty. Progressive President Glenn Renwick says the bare report is in keeping with the company’s theme of transparency in its financial dealings.

Consequently, Progressive had a shitload of turnover this year. Next year they plan on unveiling their new marketing theme: Plowing Through The Opposition. Here’s their concept next year’s annual report:

…what? Too soon?

Evan over at Brain-Terminal has done it again with another oh so subtle expose on the “peace movement” and their supposed “anti-war” protests. Pay special attention to the increasingly hostile and angry signs that these “pacifists” are holding. As usual, totally absent is anything resembling rational thought, except for the Harry Knowles look-alike at the end who manages to sum up the real anti-war sentiment rather simply without losing his sanity or rambling on into yet another incoherent MKULTRA CIA rant regarding the Military Industrial Complex, Aliens and/or Bush=Hitler.

Of special note is the appearance of a naked man who seems to have hemorrhoids, a fat pregnant furry or is that Anna Nicole Smith? And a special guest appearance by Egg Shen in a reprisal of his role as the “incoherent conspiracy theory Asian” which is good for a laugh. I can’t stress enough how these protests have little or nothing to do with the war on Iraq and everything to do with the hate for our current President by so many on the left and their commie pinko friends.

Yet another denizen of the “Rainy Depressing Shithole State” aka Washingting, has produced a protestor who seems to have chained himself to the wrong building.

Jody Mason of Olympia is locked to the Washington State Grange office building Tuesday to protest war. He intended to chain himself to a federal Department of Energy office building, but discovered he was at the wrong location.

In other stupid protestor news, a “non-zealot” from Washington State has managed to fall casualty to an earth moving device because the girl who was too fucking stupid to step out of the way of a bulldozer and was subsequently crushed to death in “Palestine”. Something of note is that the pictures of the event “as it happened” seem to be from different sites during the same day and seem to be pictures of two different bulldozers. I love how Internet Intifada in their desperate attempt to push their propaganda don’t seem to realize that little things like lying do nothing to bolster their argument. Sad that they would rather pimp this girls death by playing the Emotion card. Lets not forget how easily the incident could have been avoided if the girl had just exercised simple common sense and moved out of the way. What the fuck am I saying these are protestors, they can’t be expected to apply rational thought.

Funny thing about Monica Bellucci, she’s in the movie Tears Of The Sun with Bruce Willis at the moment, and she plays a bleeding-heart-toting doctor. She causes a crapload of trouble because she won’t leave the village without the 70 or so refugees that live in it. This is why it is wrong to educate women my friends, they’re nothin’ but trouble.

Alright, alright, let her be edumacated. Just… don’t let her drive. I bet she plucks her eyebrows and talks to her agent while she drives. She can have one or the other. That’s my compromise baby, don’t make me take away your right to vote and wear underpants.

Before today, I was lost in a sea of tumultuous confusion and fright. What will happen to the world in the face of this new war? Where can we look for comfort and security in these uncertain times? Well, my prayers have been answered… in French. Because our old buddies the French have pledged that if Sadaam starts nuking or nerve-gassing anyone in the next few weeks, they might reconsider their ‘anti-war’ stance. Thank God, we’re saved.

“If the war starts and if (President) Saddam Hussein uses chemical or biological weapons, it would change completely the situation for the French president and for the French government, and President (Jacques) Chirac will have to decide what we will do to help the American troops to confront this new situation.

I feel so much better. That’s enough for me, screw the Freedom Fries, and stop pouring that Merlot down the sewer drain. Back to loving the French, like the lovable cowardly lion of the world. Well, more like his one-legged cousin, you cheese loving little rascals.

Maybe it’s just the late hour, but I can’t really recall much that today’s slice was in. She’s just Alicia Witt, that hot strawberry slice who was in that one movie.

She was in Four Rooms, right? And that movie, with the guy? Ahh, who gives a shit, it’s Monday. You’re just happy to see some boobies.

My dad is in town for a tournament tomorrow morning, so we all got together for dinner at a rib joint. I’m not sure that these pork-pushing establishments enjoy being slapped with the “joint” surname, but it doesn’t exactly seem right to call them “restaurants”. Personally, I think that any place which provides a service that requires you to thoroughly sterilize your hands and mouth with those sanitizing napkins deserves to be labeled a “joint”. It just fits, doesn’t it? Rib joints, pizza joints, chicken wing joints, brothel joints. Fine American institutions, all across the board.

Jesus, how much can I babble before getting to the actual point? Anyway, our waiter was straight out of a cartoon, if the cartoon was middle-aged, covered in bronzing creme, and treated customers like visiting foreign dignitaries as opposed to the fat, barbeque sauce swilling pigs that they are. I’ve never had a waiter shake my hand at the conclusion of a meal before, but now I can proudly say that this milestone has been accomplished. I’d wager he wiped his ass with it beforehand, but what an interesting gesture. Made it a little harder to get mad at him when he grabbed my girlfriend’s ass on the way out, too.

A tad late, but worth the wait. Today’s slice was in Not Another Teen Movie, and can be seen in all sorts of bisexually-suggestive pictures over at SOTD. So why don’t you head on over and check out Chyler Leigh right now.

Somebody please inform Ms. Leigh that after being the star of a teen parody, it is in her contract to do bit roles in soft-porn? I know it’s a lie, but some lies are necessary, for the good of mankind.

Three men died in Kenya while trying to retrieve a cell phone from a latrine that a University student dropped into it while “dropping the kids off at the pool.” It’s… it’s not a pleasant read.

University student Dora Mwabela dropped the phone into the latrine while she was answering a call of nature, the Daily Nation newspaper reports. She offered a reward of 1,000 shillings ($13) for anyone who could recover the phone, worth 6,000 shillings. Most Kenyans survive on less than $1 a day.

“The fumes inside must be extremely poisonous considering the short time it was taking to disable the retrievers,” he said.

Heartwarming. Especially when you imagine that the university chick that sent these poor bastards to their shit-infested asphyxiation deaths was someone like this.