Category: News

In celebration of the utterly mediocre DVD release of Die Another Day, here’s the utterly non-mediocre Bond girl Rosamund Pike, courtesy of slice-wizard LP.

I’m sorry, I just can’t put my heart into this one. I’m watching About Schmidt right now, and the sheer fugliness of everyone involved is like kryptonite to the wang. One minute you’re standing proud for truth, justice, and the American way; the next, you’re shriveled in the corner cowering from the likes of Kathy Bates. Tragic.

Martha Stewart resigns, gets indicted, and more than likely had a painfully nervous bowel movement (I’m just speculating on the latter) all in one day. That’s not the biggest shocker of the article, however, as I’ve delivered to you the juiciest bits with minimal necessity for literacy. The big shock comes with the news that Martha is 61 fucking years old. Christ, does she bake every cake with formaldehyde?

And that purpose is to make me laugh. Especially during the last sentence of this tidbit involving his public clash with Vincent Gallo over the Gallo-written/directed Brown Bunny. Take a look:

Chicago Sun-Times film critic Roger Ebert said today (Wednesday) that he can produce tape recordings of director-writer-actor Vincent Gallo making the comments that Gallo now says he never made. In an interview with the New York Post on Monday, Gallo maintained that he never disowned his movie, The Brown Bunny, which received disastrous reviews when it was screened at Cannes last month, and that he had never apologized for making it. “The only thing I am sorry about is putting a curse on Roger Ebert’s colon,” Gallo said. “If a fat pig like Roger Ebert doesn’t like my movie then I’m sorry for him.” Ebert responded that he wasn’t too worried about the curse. “I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny.” And paraphrasing a perhaps apocryphal remark by Winston Churchill, Ebert concluded: “It is true that I am fat, but one day I will be thin, and he will still be the director of The Brown Bunny.”

Muhahaha. Score one for the tubby guy. Although you can probably score one for Gallo too. With so much press (bad press, but press nonetheless) surrounding the apparently god-awful flick, there’s no way people won’t go to see it. It’s like a train wreck, except with a scene including an overly-graphic depiction of oral sex. And if that isn’t a good tagline for the one-sheet, nothing is. Gallo, give me a call, we’ll talk royalties.

We must once again give thanks to LP for cranking out this request so fast. I don’t know how many of you knew her as the weather chick on Fox, but I’m one of the proud few who has been lusting after her for a good six years or so. You also might have seen her on about eighteen different TV shows within the last year or two, which makes her one hard workin’ woman. That would also make her rich, on top of gorgeous. Throw in a dash of “sexual tigress” and you’ve got my ideal woman. Happy Wednesday, here’s Jillian Barberie.

Have you seen the ass on that Jillian Barberie? With all of the crappy shows they’ve got her hosting, you’d think some network exec would wake up and smell the ratings, and create a show dedicated solely to her ass. You know, they could make one of those reality shows like Anna Nicole, where they just sort of follow the ass around in it’s daily routine and wait for things to happen. You know, here’s Jillian’s ass trying on a new thong, here’s Jillian’s ass getting prepped for a photo shoot, here’s Jillian’s ass getting spanked by an overzealous producer. I think I smell a hit! …or that might be leftover crack, it’s late so I can’t be positive.

*Sniffs*

Maybe it’s both. Smells a little like peanuts, is that a bad thing?

So the little woman and I are going on a 1-week cruise on Monday, a Christmas present from her mom (I got her a bike radio, mind you). This, coupled with the impending summer months, has caused my girlfriend (along with the rest of her womanly ilk) to undergo that hurried ritual of last-minute dieting. While we fellas would like to believe that women are rushing to improve their aesthetic value for our benefit, the truth is that deep down they only care what other females think. While we do get the added bonus of their asses looking that slight bit more delicious in those thongs, “involved” (aka “sentenced”) men like myself also have to deal with the added bonus of frantic mood swings due to food deprivation. I call this the “I can’t have-a da cookie, you don’t getta no nookie” syndrome. A curse, a pox upon mankind, says I. But that’s the price you must pay if you stumble upon one of the good ones.

Anyway, this pointless bit of rambling has led me off the topic of my original pointless topic. And that is the absolutely fucking disgusting stuff that these women are drinking in order to lose weight. Now as an on-again/off-again weightlifter, I partake of protein drinks all the time. Through the miracle of modern science, my weightlifting shakes are delicious (somewhat) chocolatey treats with minimal calories and maximum efficiency. However, the drinks that they seem to feed these women taste not at all unlike ass-sweat (as I would imagine that ass-sweat tastes) mixed with V-8. How do they make money with something so vehemently repulsive? Not only that, but they trick these women into believing that if they drink this crap all day long, with no contact between their lips and actual comestibles, they will somehow lose weight and actually keep it off?

This is why I am absolutely convinced that women were born without the actual “logic” gene that we males were seemingly cursed with. They were given the “gift” of childbirth in exchange for a million raging emotions that follow no rational pattern and a black whole where logic would normally exist. Perhaps that’s the spot where we possess a wang, who knows.

There’s really no point to this, I just wanted to impart to you the repulsiveness of that god awful drink, and a little knowledge for you younger MoFos that may save you in Tylenol sometime in the future. That knowledge is this, kiddies: women are all crazy, they will never be understood, and they don’t like sex as much as we do. Deal with it now, and you’ll be a lot happier later in life. Especially when your girlfriend asks you to taste her ass-flavored diet drink. Fuck the red pill, ignorance is bliss.

A lot of litigation today is just utter fucking nonsense. Why can’t these rich bastards just settle their differences the old fashioned way? You don’t see the Kiss Army suing Bruce Lee for whupping their asses, or Ace and Gene bringing a suit against Afro Sheen. *hey look, it’s a joke you probably won’t get!* Anyway, here’s the latest news on big-time lawsuit happy idiocy. And who better to lead the assault than a creature of pure evil, Babs.

But then along came Kenneth and Gabrielle Adelman, two average multimillionaires who spend much of their time flying up and down the California coast in their helicopter, photographing the coastline to make sure that no one is doing anything naughty such as chopping down a few trees on top of a cliff to improve the view that might speed along the natural process of erosion.

Since Barbra lives in a mansion on a bluff overlooking the Pacific in the celebrity-choked town of Malibu, the back of her house with its kidney-shaped pool turned up in one of the Adelmans thousands of photos.

So, she filed a lawsuit, reportedly seeking $10 million in damages and asking the Adelmans to remove the image of her estate from their collection.

Want to see the image that pissed her off so bad? Enjoy. Kind of anticlimatic, but every click just pisses Babs off more. You kind of have to wonder, if a picture is worth a thousand words, and that picture is worth 10 million in cash to Babs, that must mean that each one of her words is worth 10 grand. Personally, I’d like to cut off her benefactor, just to keep that fat yap of hers from exuding any more hot air my way.

Next up on the idiotic litigation block is McDonalds, who have filed a suit against an Italian food critic for giving their “restaurants” an unfavorable review. Doesn’t sound like food, folks, & fun to me.

The corporation has sued Edoardo Raspelli, a critic and commentator for the Italian newspaper La Stampa, after he compared its burgers to rubber and its fries to cardboard, in an article last year. McDonald’s is seeking undisclosed damages, possibly as much as the 21m euros (15m; $25m) it spent on advertising in Italy last year.

I don’t think McDonald’s has any room to sue anybody. Personally, I think the person with the most room to sue in regards to McDonaldland is Grimace. That motherfucker is a cartoonish representation of a milkshake, for Chris’sakes. They come to some cartoonist and say “Hey, we need a milkshake mascot”, so he draws up a big fat purple piece of shit, the McDonald’s execs snort a few more lines of coke and decide that it’s brilliant. Ooh, and “grimace” is a funny word, isn’t it Earl? Jesus, your face is melting. Hey, HEY! Let’s call him Grimace, Earl. GRIMMMM… ESSS! Sounds pretty funny huh? Let’s go put on the Ronald McDonald and Mayor McCheese outfits and touch the children, eh buddy?

*Sound of floppy footsteps out of the boardroom*

*faintly* GRIMMM… ESSS!

I was informed that the independent comic house Fantagraphics is at risk of bankruptcy, so they are asking that anyone interested in what they do to head on over and pick some shit up (calling or buying directly from the website is most beneficial). Now I’m not much of a comic fan, but I know some of you are, and some of the goods they have for sale look pretty interesting. I’ll be picking up Jimmy Corrigan right after I click submit.

Our former and now bankrupt book trade distributor went out of business owing us over $70,000 — which we will never see. (To add insult to injury, we learned that the owner is selling copies of our books that he should’ve returned on e-bay!) This unexpected shortfall necessitated taking out a couple loans which have now come due. In late 2001, our line was picked up by the W.W. NORTON COMPANY, who took over our bookstore distribution, and has done a magnificent job of providing us unprecedented access to the bookstore market. Inexperience with the book trade resulted in our erring on the side of overprinting our books too heavily throughout 2002, so that our anticipated profit is in fact sitting in our warehouse in the form of books. Loans must be paid in cash, not books. The only way to get out of this hole we’ve dug ourselves into is to sell those books. Which is where, we hope, you come in.

Head on over and see if there is something you might like. https://www.fantagraphics.com/

Perrytheass makes his triumphant…ish return in this review of Bruce Almighty. By the way, the chick he refers to as “10 times hotter than Jennifer Aniston is the magically delicious Catherine Bell. And while I wouldn’t go so far as to say that she is 10 times hotter, I certainly wouldn’t mind being the meat in a “them” sammitch.

Slice of the day, with seven minutes to spare. Here’s a little Charlize Theron for your bordering-on-not-safe-for-work eyes.

Is Charlize hot? Yes. Are you fellas going to see her in The Italian Job even though it’s just going to be a pale shadow of the original? Yes. Are you going to give a shit about the story once this body comes onscreen? Probably not.

Go ahead and check it out if you’re interested. Otherwise, I can sum up all of the strangely-fierce word of mouth press that this flick is getting: overrated. But that doesn’t mean it’s a bad movie. Want more info? Read the review.