Category: News

Tribes 2, all over again. Thanks Lucasarts.

Things I have done while Star Wars Galaxies has been installing on my PC:

• Made three phone calls
• Got a call from a telemarketer from the local newspaper, told him that I get my news direct from the source: L Ron Hubbard. Then I proceeded to ask him numerous questions about his mother and whether or not he’d like to enjoy a better life through Scientology. He hung up, although I did get out of him that he hated his father. Perhaps I should give his number to the Dianetics Center.
• Chatted on AIM
• Watched about two minutes of the G4 Network before losing interest
• Watched another 30-minutes of G4 Network, regardless of interest level
• Peed.
• Read the nutrition facts on the back of a bottle of seasoned salt, or Sal Sazonada as they call it in Mexico or somewhere. Did you know that they color it brown on purpose? I feel somewhat less affectionate towards it now.
• Wasted your time completely with this post

Done now, thank God. I was afraid the sequel was going to come out during the install. *slaps knee* HA! Me so not funny!

Apparently Ah-nuld has not yet ruled out the possibility of being my great state’s celebrity governer. Let the puns continue:

“If the party needs me, I would without any doubt be interested in doing that rather than doing another movie,” the staunch Republican told The Post. “I would give up my movie career for that.”

Arnie’s interest in a political career is being fueled by Californians’ possible recall of the unpopular incumbent Democrat Gov. Gray Davis.

“I’m for the recall because I think the situation in California is disastrous,” he said. “But I am not even thinking about [running] now, because the recall hasn’t happened yet. As it plays out, then I can make that decision.”

I might vote for Arnie, it depends on whether or not he can disassociate himself from his movies when it comes to politics. Because personally, I say fuck that. Disassociation is for people who lack discipline. He should be up there telling people that our defecit is “not a tumah” his entire term. That, and he should introduce the 73 as California’s official “maneuver”.

So I’m sure you’ve all heard about the James-Cameronless Terminator 3 that’s coming out, and you’ve no doubt wondered who that hot blonde little Terminatrix chick is. Wonder no more, because her name is Kristanna Loken, and she’s the slice of the day.

You know in the trailer where she does that straddling maneuver on Arnie and then her body morphs into the opposite position?

Yeah… I uh… fuck, what was I talking about? I’ve got naughty on the brain and its weight is mighty.

Well, my quiet little town isn’t so quiet today. Jeff just wrote in to tell me that a schizophrenic Albertson’s employee walked into his store this morning and killed 3 coworkers and injured numerous customers with a sword.

That’s some messed up shit. That’s just down the road. Just another example why parents should keep an eye on their mentally disturbed nerd offspring.

I hope so, because neither one seems like they’re ever going to finish again, after a guy killed his girlfriend and turned himself into an 32-year-old manchild after a car-fuck that drove them straight into a tractor. Now the poor dumbstruck bastard has to spend the next ten years of his life (according to his estimated mental age, that would be puberty) in prison.

Lesson learned, kiddies. If you’re going to screw in a car, do it sober. It’s hard enough compensating with your knees for the hand that’s smacking her ass and the other that’s pulling her hair while a naked chick obfuscates your view of the road. You’re going to need every synapse firing in such a situation, don’t count on luck to pull you through. Personally I like to think of luck as a bank, when you get a chick who likes to get down in a moving vehicle, I figure you’re already overdrawn. Now is not the time to bounce a check, as they might decide to close your account.

I just got an email from John who tells me that I should “stop slacking”. He’s probably right, I’ve been working on the backend shit for this site the last few days when I probably should have been posting. Lord knows I could have been mocking those Linux geeks trying to blackmail Microsoft or thanking my lucky stars that I was too lazy to go pick up Star Wars Galaxies the first day it came out (I learned that lesson from the sack-tap that was Tribes 2). But when readers like John send in a link regarding a guy getting the scrotum bitified, you know I’m going to have to break my silence.

The man from Whitwell Tennessee who had his scrotum chewed off by his so-called live-in housekeeper has decided to drop domestic assault charges.

The Sheriff said the couple got into a scuffle and the woman first bit Mr. Reese on the leg, then proceeded to bite his penis and scrotum. Ms. Burnette chewed off a large chunk of skin from Mr. Reese’s scrotum, then ran out to the front porch where she spit the skin to the dogs in the front yard, and one of them ate it according to Sheriff Burnette.

Call me crazy, but I’m the sort of guy that likes to keep business and pleasure separate. And even crazier, I have a definite affection for keeping business and tooth-to-sack contact separate. Particularly when it comes to my fucking housekeeper. Although I guess in the South, live-in housekeeper is just another word for “woman who cleans up your shit and takes your money”, aka: the wife. And just like the prison matron that is a wife, the live-in housekeeper can sometimes take out her aggression on the little Southerner, or his two best friends.

The best part about this article is the goddamn comments. If there wasn’t enough of a reason to napalm Tennessee, now we’ve got an overabundance.

Pie, pie, pie. Is that all you sad bastards can think about? Is that the only thing that makes your meaningless existences palpable? Might pie be the only thing which prevents you from shuffling your lazy asses right off this mortal coil?

Well good, same goes for me. I was just making sure none of you went queer on me while I was out of town. Have some LP-farmed Alexandra Kamp for your troubles.

Not much else to say about that. Oh, and somebody tell the damned Krauts that money is addictive all on its own, no need to stir up the pot.

www.mobileasses.com – Frankly I’m surprised that this took so long. Either nobody was on the ball or I’m getting too far out of the news loop.

I feel kind of bad that my only posts in the past week have been slices, but with internet access being this spotty, you should be thankful for every kilobyte I throw your way. Anyhow, here’s a return to the LP collection with Isla Fisher.

What a week so far. Golf, horseback riding, whitewater rafting, boozing, we’ve run the gamut. Unfortunately for Oregonians, the per capita of hot chicks is miniscule in comparison to that of Southern California, or Miami for that matter. Its pretty sad too, because if they had this many nature activities in So Cal, you could constantly be the witty guy with all the romantic shit to woo the ladies with. In my town, you’ve got a choice between a walk to the movie theater, or counting washed up needles at the beach. Stupid hot chicks and their migrating habits. But then again, if all the good looking folk go to one area, even though we realize their probable mental deficiencies, we follow. We follow because our wangs are like compasses, magnetized towards the pie. So who’s the real idiot? Id guess me, since the high altitude makes one drink like a bottle of 151.