Category: News

I’m making that necessary trip to the local Jiffy Lube again, and as always, the mechanics here are giving me my weight in bullshit. After the eightieth time getting hassled about shit that I know isn’t in need of a fix, I have to wonder whether or not these guys are on commission. Here’s what went down:

Me: “I see you have your yellow checklist there. Lets get this over with quickly. I just have the time for an oil change today, so no extraneous services, alright?”
Him: “You sure you dont want a car wash?”
Me: “No, just the oil please.”
Him: “Looks like your air filter is pretty dusty and cracked. You want us to…”
Me: *picks up air filter, shakes it a bit* “No thanks. Just the oil.”
Him: “Well we’re running a special on engine cleaning. It gets all the gunk and dirt and stuff out and it’s normally 89.99 but today it’s only fif…”
Me: “No time. Just oil.”
Him: “How about your tires? Do you get them rotated someplace else or…”
Me: “Look man, I don’t want to be rude but I don’t even have time for the oil change now, so can we please just get on with this?”
Him: “OK man, sure thing. …. you know, your fuel filter is supposed to be changed every sixty thousand miles and you still have the factory one. See the fuel filter gathers all of the gunk and dirt that comes…”
Me: *places face in hands* “I know what a fuel filter does, and I can replace it myself, just like I’m seriously considering doing with the oil, so please, Please. Please.
Him: “How about your windshield wipers? 18 bucks to replace those, they’re pretty thrashed.”
Me: “I SAID..uh…hmm… well shit, yeah, why not. Now that you’ve upsold me, can you change the oil?”
Him: “Sure man, no problem. Now if I knock five bucks off the price of the engine cleaning, would you…”
Me: *walks away*

Now why would I even consider the windshield wipers on a hot summer’s day? Well, considering the fact that I’ve been meaning to put new ones on since last winter and still haven’t gotten around to it, I can stand to pay the five bucks labor charge to have them do it instead. Although you have to wonder what kind of a lazy prick would pay to have his wipers installed, but balks at the idea of someone else replacing the fuel filter? Just me baby, just me. Well, me and all of the other lazy sociopaths out there.

So I’m in the checkout line getting ready to purchase my laundry detergent, comestibles, and a couple of those Krispy Kreme doughnuts (fuckers get me every time) and the chick in front of me is a cute lil’ asian with a couple of juice bottles. I notice as she picks up one of those weekly horoscope booklets that they put out specific to your birth sign or whatever. Personally I couldn’t give a shit what my sign is, I only know it so I can spew it out whenever a girl asks because they seem to believe that shit has something to do with whether or not you are someday “marriage material”, which is the magical key into their pants, no matter what they say.

So back to the story. As I sit and ponder why the stupid fuck in the front who can’t figure out the credit card machine isn’t already dead, cremated, and fed to the rest of us via SPAM, I notice out of the corner of my eye that the lil’ asian cutie is getting a little shifty. She looks left. She looks right. She looks straight up as she deposits said horoscope book right into her purse.

A trifle baffling to me, as I would imagine that the whole “horoscope” bullshit would carry with it some semblence of karma. How exactly do you put so much faith into that superstitious crap that you feel the need to shoplift a 99 cent booklet? That’s kind of like stealing a bible, I think somewhere along the line it’s going to bite you in the ass, provided that you have chosen the right path.

So uh… I’d like to take this moment to plead with whatever forces control the outcome of the film industry (besides money, I hear that it’s either the liberals or the Jews, so I love all of you for the moment) in order to make League Of Extroardinary Gentlemen into something that does not resemble feces thrown by angry monkeys at strips of celluloid. I have my own monkeys, thank you, I can see that at any time. Or, I can go pick up Daredevil when it hits DVD.

Anyway, I just want The League to do well because for one, Sean Connery movies should never, ever suck. And secondly, we would most certainly get more hot pics of today’s slice, Peta Wilson. So pray with me children. Pray hard.

What th… I said PRAY, you punks! I can see what you’re doing, and God wouldn’t like it! Nobody wants to see that!

Have you guys heard about the french fry that sold on eBay for $200 because it was “the longest”? Yes? No? Either way, you’re going to read about it right here:

Simon Holland found the 6 3/4-inch fry during a meal at a Wisconsin Rapids Culver’s on June 24. Instead of eating the spud, he immediately froze it and put it up for auction on eBay.

The winning bid $202.50 from a bidder known only as “Culver’s Fan” was announced Wednesday afternoon. Restaurant owners Greg Giese and Brad Prohl celebrated by giving patrons complimentary pieces of custard cake.

*places head in hands*

*muffled* And of course, here comes the voice of dissent, in eBay form of course.

Why our existence is allowed to continue, I’ll never know. Perhaps God likes collecting antique figurines. Or those little Jesus statuettes.

Thanks to everyone for letting me know that Raygun had been arrested… again.

Do I smell a Trial Of Raygun sequel? A cookie goes to the best sequel title posted in the comments.

I know, it’s been a few days without pie, and I’m sure you’re getting antsy. Kind of like the hundreds of people who are suddenly searching for pics of that T3 chick, Kristanna Loken Nude. Look away, fellow perverts, look away.

Oh, and while you’re at it, have a look at this fantastic LP-submitted gallery of Emily Booth. Not safe for work, just in case you had an itchy trigger finger.

Not to slight Emily, but that Kristanna Loken chick was really the only thing to make Terminator 3 worthy of the series. I mean, it’s true that she can’t act. And yes, it’s also true that in the fairly simple task of “acting” like a robot she fails like Harry Knowles at on Weight Watchers diet. But you know what she does well? Uh… she uh… she can…

Well shit, she wears a mean set of tits, doesn’t she?

[ Barry White Dead At 58 ]

And the world has that much less sex because of it. A sad Independence Day indeed.

Some chump in New Hampshire has been arrested for dragging his girlfriend around and punching her in the head after she beat him at an arm-wrestling match and called him a wimp. What I want to know is, where was this guy’s hidden strength during the match?

The Union-Leader newspaper reported on Wednesday that Raymond White and Lisa Smith had been drinking early on Tuesday when she remarked that he didn’t have any muscles and challenged him to an arm-wrestling match.

Smith mocked White after winning the contest, and he responded by grabbing her by the hair, dragging her down a set of stairs and punching her several times in the head, the paper said, citing court documents.

I’d like to know how this guy gets the balls to bash his girlfriend around after she kicked his ass at arm-wrasslin’. That’s like if Screech fucked your woman and she said it was the best she’d ever had. Not much you can do, just pack up your bruised ego and quietly move on.

Well no, I guess you could knock Screech’s teeth into the back of his throat, that’s a way to go. But if Screech kicks your ass, you’re in real fucking trouble. Just off yourself and be done with it, you sad, pathetic little man.

Well, after seeing Terminator 3 I figured I needed to wash my poor corneas with something. After a nice battery-fluid rinse, the pain subsided a bit, so I decided to put up today’s slice of the day. This one is another LP gallery, which he specifically requested. The awesome thing about this gallery? It’s so not-safe-for-work that I great difficulty sifting through the near 150 image gallery for a picture that would be viewable at the office. So here she is, Alessia Merz.

Holy crap, who is this chick? Does she have a fear of shirts or something? Note that I’m not complaining, I just want to know where I can pick up one of those to take home.

Today’s slice isnt exactly my kind of woman, although Im pretty sure if you stripped her naked and set her in front of me I wouldnt have any problems. This slice was specially requested to be SOTD today by none other than slice-benefactor LP. So have a little bit of punk pie with the Distillers’ Brody Armstrong.

Here’s a tip: if she looks like she could kick the crap out of you, she’s probably a tigress in the sack. And that’s never a bad thing. …unless she bites. No teef, bitch!