Category: News

Well, at least I have a reason to vote in the recall election in a couple of months: Ah-nult has decided to run for governor. This will no doubt please comedy writers everywhere, as this pretty much makes their jobs effortless. Every time the man opens his mouth it becomes new material. I think it might have something to do with the accent.

In similar news, former BAMF writer Gary Coleman has also tossed his hat into the ring. This comes after Larry Flynt and that billboard chick Angelyne announcing their respective campaigns for the governorship. I was actually going to run, but after this prestigious lot of individuals joined the race, I figured that nobody would want me making a mockery of this very serious event.

I don’t know if it’s exactly ironic, per se, but I found it particularly annoying to be stuck on a one lane road behind a slow-ass prick on his cell phone in a minivan that had a vanity plate which read “W8ISOVR”. I figured he might still be “w8ing” for death’s icy grip to slowly strangle his corporeal form, so being a helpful fellow, I moved into the opposing lane and swerved violently at him. True, he still retains his tenuous balance on this mortal coil, but he looked pretty old. I’m sure his heart can’t take much more strain like that.

I think I’ve been playing Knights Of The Old Republic a little too much lately. My evil level is sliding dangerouly towards the “you’re all fucked” territory.

And more in sardonic news, Mabs called me yesterday to let me know that I’m not posting enough. Thats kind of like getting hipness advice from your blind grandfather. Who’s dead. In a telegram.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I’m in a rush today, so I might not have time for the little things. I may as well give you a look at a couple of big things. Everybody’s looking for these pictures of Britney Spears pics from the British Elle (Elle UK?) so I decided to throw them into the mighty Britney gallery for you. Thank me later.

So uh… explain to me why everyone is so nuts over these pictures? I realize that it’s more nekkid than she usually gets, but this is the kind of skin that Christina wears to get coffee. Although with her current figure, she really, really shouldn’t.

…So uh… *ahem*… you uh… *looks around nervously* …you come here often?

She’s good looking, a little quirky, and makes out with chicks for money. Any one of those can be a prerequisite for being slice of the day, but Alyson Hannigan has them all rolled up into one sweet strawberry flavored package. Dig in.

By the way, that pieclopedia link is still in the production phase. If anyone gets any bright ideas for it, let me know.

Do I even need to tell you?

[ Dog Gives Flasher His Come-Uppance ] – thanks John

A drunken Croat flasher got more excitement than he bargained for when he pushed his penis through a woman’s fence and her dog bit it, local newspapers said on Friday.

The visibly drunk man was walking down the street and started swearing and shouting at the woman for no reason. He then shoved his penis through her fence, unaware her dog was on the other side, police said.

Ha Ha *grabs dick in sympathy pain* HA, motherfucker!

It says that he got off with light injuries, although he’s being charged with “insulting the moral feelings of citizens”, which is probably the lamest way of saying “shoving your junk in someone’s fence” that I’ve ever heard. Does that mean that in Zagreb I’d receive the same sentence as this guy for say, picking on a chick for being prude? So does that mean that catcalls are pretty much illegal over there? If so, how do their construction workers not kill themselves? I mean, you’re wearing a goofy helmet, covered in sweat, eating with dirty hands and you’ve got to not act like a testosterone-filled pig. I think implosions would be their number one cause of male death in Croatia, or wherever this cockbitten bastard lives.

….

…oh, I’m sorry. I was just daydreaming about how fun it would be to walk down the street and see imploded chunks of people lying all over the place. But that’s only because I shot a terrible golf game today, and I hate you because of it.

Well, after winning that court case two weeks ago I kind of felt it inevitable that they would appeal the decision. My former employer is the kind of ass who would gladly pay to delay the process of me getting my hands on any of his money. Everyone I knew told me that there’s no possible way. Nobody would want to incur the fees, lawyers or otherwise, that appealing a decision like this would bring. Besides, they’ve got important shit to do. What owner of a multi-million dollar company would want to waste his time endlessly battling in court just to save himself a little money?

I’ve got the answer for you: he would. I just got the notice of appeal in my mailbox. Now I’ve got two options: let my sort-of-crummy legal representation help me out, or file for free attorney representation by the Labor Commissioner. I’m thinking that the latter will be a better idea. Anyone have any advice?

Go to humorandthings.com, go to the videos section, and watch the crash and bad nanny videos. Comedy.

Well, comedy in a tragic sort of way. But that’s the way you like it, you sick bastards.

Your slice for today is the delicious Jessica Biel, who has really dropped off the radar recently. She’s doing some remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which, if you’ve seen the 1994 sequel, you know to be a terrible idea. Although both Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger enjoyed success after that mostrocity of a film, so maybe she’s on to something. Either way, she’s hot. Enjoy.

How is it that there are new pics of her floating around, but she’s not doing any notable films, or starring on any TV shows? Not that I’m complaining, we could use some more of her. But she should really get some other actresses on the bandwagon. I haven’t seen any new natalie portman pics in a long-ass time. You think it was the nude beach thing?