Category: News

[ $200 LCD Projector ] – Fuck me sideways, that is grand. I wonder what the quality is when compared to today’s standard LCD projectors.

And to think, I thought February was Black History Month. Little did I know that the-little-month-that could got to share that distinction with Anal Sex Month. Remember, kids, “Recreation, Not Procreation!”

How would you like to get a call from the guy who played Epstein on Welcome Back Kotter?!? …not so much, eh? Well that’s alright, he’s too busy doing Epstein things today to call you, apparently. But you can still get phone calls from all kinds of people that you’re all too young to remember over at Hollywoodiscalling.com.

Now For The First Time Ever You Can Have A Real Celebrity Call You Or A Friend For Just $19.95. They Can Also Deliver A Brief Customized Message Written By You For $29.95. Whether It’s For A Special Occasion Or Just For The Fun It, There’s No Better Way To Impress A Client, A Sweetheart Or A Friend Than To Have A Celebrity Call. So Place Your Order Today.

You know, I’ve never thought about it before, but having someone like Fred “Rerun” Berry call a client would be pretty fucking impressive. Imagine if I had Todd Bridges call up to shake them down for non-payment.

Client: “Hello?”
Todd: “Yo, this be *insert client’s name*”
Client: “Um…yes it is.”
Todd: “Well now it’s on. This is Todd Bridges. Remember Diff’rent Strokes, motherfucker?”
Client: “Sure… aren’t you in jail?”
Todd: “I’ll ask the questions bitch, we only got 15 seconds left. Now why ain’t yo’ ass been payin’ Sharkey his mothafuckin’ money? You know he done the work, why you tryin’ to play him like that? “
Client: “B-b-but I was gonna….”
Todd: “You wasn’t gonna do shit. But what you ARE gonna do is march your fat ass down to the bank and cut my homie a check before I come down there and have you sayin’ “Whatchoo talkin’ bout Todd” as my fists hit yo’ nuts, know what I’m sayin’ muthafucka?”
Client: “Yes sir. I’m sorry sir.”
Todd: “You damn right you sorry. Now, you know of any good criminal attorneys or some Hollywood…”
*background* “Your one phone call is up, Bridges, get back into the line!”
Todd: “Got’DAMMIT.
*CLICK*

Before you get all high-and-mighty about my bashing of two-bit celebrities, consider this fact: Both Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges have been mentioned on this site within a two week period, and I have made not one Dana Plato dead joke. For that kind of steadfast restraint, I should get a fucking medal. Or a burrito. No beans.

…as are we all.

Lots of people aren’t able to cope with France’s *heatwave*. Scroll down to the 3rd last paragraph to find out it’s 98 degrees.

https://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=2&u=/ap/20030814/ap_on_re_eu/france_heat_wave_6

It gets hotter than 98F in the bay area on a regular basis..

At first I pondered if they were discussing Celcius temperatures. Delicious thoughts of a few million French fries baking in 200 degree weather made me giggle with schoolgirlish glee, but of course, that was short lived. No no, my friends, the Frenchies are dropping off like flies because of a measly 98 degrees fahrenheit. Turn the fucking A/C in the car on in California and it’s refreshing to get 98 degrees fahrenheit. And the humidity over there isn’t so bad right now, so what the fuck is with all the waterworks? Obviously the French are made of a far lesser material than everyone else. I wish I’d known that while I was over there, I would’ve grabbed a heat lamp and a mister and taken over the country.

By the way, the mortality issues of this story are a lot funnier if you replace “dying of heat exhaustion” with “surrendering to the Sun”.

OK, so I bragged up and down last year around October when I added the Danger Sidekick to my family of technological deliciousness. While a lot of owners had problems ranging from broken keys to the mobile handhelds attempting to eat little Billy, I was nearly problem free. With the exception of the occasional exorbitant bill, I was completely happy with the little bastard. Then it finally happened two months ago. My sidekick broke. Now this was fine, since the little wheel had sunken in and that was grounds for a free replacement from T-Mobile. But ever since I got this new unit, shit has been getting stranger and stranger.

Take last week, for instance. I was sitting at home, waiting for some important calls. Ever vigilant, I was attempting to free the universe from the evil clutches of a Sith Lord (so that they could fall into my evil clutches the next day) in Star Wars: KOTOR, while the phone sat ringless and lonely. I made a few calls throughout the day inbetween working and lightsabering, so I know that I had a good strong signal. However, when I finally left to hit the gym, my phone went absolutely fucking nuts. If any of you have a Sidekick, you know that it goes “NEW MESSAGE!” at you when a voicemail comes in. Well imagine if the fucker said it about 8 times in a row. Every single day since, it seems that the stupid thing allows only a few calls to come through, while shoving the rest to voicemail and only delivering the message to me at around 5 o’clock. It’s like I have the world’s laziest secretary for a phone, and it doesn’t even wear tight skirts or give me head.

So anyways, aside from it acting possessed by pulling up random webpages, losing bits of the screen, and telling me that my breath is rank, things are still somewhat palatable. Yes, the reception gets worse by the day and I can’t even make a single phone call without yelling “WHAT?!? WHO IS THIS?!?” repeatedly, but I’m kind of forgiving. And lazy. But then comes the real kick in the fucking pants. My bill comes from T-Mobile for the month of July. Mind you, my service plan is for a cool 39.95 per month. Anyone care to make a wager as to the service charges this month?

$236.11

Thats right. Nearly $200 bucks more than my monthly payment. These fucks are trying to tell me that my OVERAGE for peak minutes comes to about 11 hours. I can’t speak on the goddamned thing for five minutes before tossing it away in disgust at the reception, let alone amassing 11 hours in thirty fucking days.

So now I’ve got a shitty phone with kickass internet access, and a bill that rivals my car payment. Any thoughts on what I should do, aside from skewering the first T-Mobile representative I come across with a animal-feces-covered-pike? I could easily dump the phone, but fucking Hell, would I miss the email and web access. Get another phone? Get a better rate plan? Tear out my local dealer’s eyes and donkey punch his wife? *sigh* Decisions, decisions.

Wasn’t there a story just like this a few weeks ago? When is a woman going to have one in a Port-O-Let, because that’s just about the only thing more vile than being birthed onto the floor of the fucking subway.

42-year-old Braintree woman gave birth to a baby boy while standing on an inbound Red Line train yesterday morning, refusing help from stunned passengers who heard her moan and seconds later looked down to find her baby on the floor.

After leaving the train and heading for the stairs up to the station’s main lobby, witnesses said, the placenta fell to the platform. Judge turned around, grabbed the afterbirth, put it in her shoulder bag, and headed upstairs.

”She just literally picked it up with her hand and put it in some kind of bag she was carrying, and this was in mid-stride … It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Robert Busby, of Weymouth.

Get a few drums of Malthion X handy, we’re going to crop dust all of the Motel 6’s in the country, Tom Bodett be damned.

[ I Wants. I Wants A Lot. ]

Now all I would need is some sheets to match and I’d uh… I’d… never have sex again. ….but I’d be jerking off in the nerdiest bed this side of math camp!

[ CNN – Monkey shortage hampers research, scientists say ]

…

If any of you squeal, you’ll quickly become acquainted with a rabid marmoset who has a degree in barbed-wire colonoscopies.

Well, I warned you sons of bitches. Three demands for slices today. Now you gotta take your medicine. A spoonfull of Nikki Ziering ought to learn ya. Take it like a man.

I hope you’ve learned your lesson, dick. Now I’m going to enjoy myself at a party. Apparently you’ve got nothing better to do than sit at home with your dick in your hand staring at badassmofo.com. Pretty lame, Milhouse.

Got an urgent email today. Let’s see what it says.

Hey its Charlize Therons B-Day. Seems like a pretty good reason to me for her to be slice of the day.

BAH! Your insolance knows no bounds! For your punishment, have some Charlize Theron pics. Suffer, bitch!

I hope you’ve learned your lesson. Don’t make me slap you with some Nikki Ziering tomorrow. Watch your ass.