Category: News

I was perusing IMDB just a few minutes ago, and came across this little exerpt regarding Jennifer Aniston:

Hollywood star Jennifer Aniston has rubbished reports she is pregnant, but boasts she is “having fun trying” with husband Brad Pitt. The couple complain that contrary to rumors, they are not yet expecting a child, although they admit they recently visited Italy – while Pitt was filming blockbuster sequel Ocean’s Twelve – hoping the country’s romantic atmosphere would help their desperate attempt to conceive their first child. Aniston’s representative Stephen Huvane insists, “The report is false.” The 35-year-old beauty adds, “We’re absolutely in the process though.”

Heh heh. Having fun trying, eh? That’s what I like to hear.

I think we all know what she’s talking about, don’t we?

*wink wink* *nudge nudge*

That’s right. After conferring with our Italian correspondents, it turns out that Ms. Aniston has been quite busy the last few weeks. I hope her wrists aren’t throbbing after all this work:

If you drink enough NyQuil® and coffee together during the day, you can change the rotation of the Earth with your very mind. Tremble in fear, mortals, or I’ll spin this bitch so hard you’ll find your ass implanted on the surface of Jupiter!

[ Garage Becomes Kickass Home Theater ] – I posted this specifically for Floyd. If you are not Floyd, please take this opportunity to healthify a penis near you. Its for the greater good kids, these wangs aren’t going to detoxify themselves, you know.

I love this story, because it gets funnier and funnier the more I think about it. Seems that the US government is saving a few shillings by having the border patrol’s uniforms manufactured in Mexico. So yes, in essence, these folks are being paid to clothe the backs of the same people paid to keep them on their fucking side of the border. Maybe we should outsource our pistol manufacturing to Mexico as well.

Mr. Bonner, in Washington today to testify before the House Select Committee on Homeland Security, noted that a $500-a-year uniform allowance paid to the field agents has not been increased while the cost of their basic gear, including $27 shirts and $32 trousers, has gone up as much as 10 percent. “They say they’re saving money,” Mr. Bonner said. “If they are, none of those savings are being passed on to us. I think this is just the wrong thing to do; it’s the wrong message to send.”

Whoa whoa whoa, now hold on there a second Pedro. I’ve lived within 100 miles of the border for the entirety of my existence. And within all that time I can tell you, my fellow gringos, this one simple fact: nothing that comes into this country from Mexico has ever cost upwards of $27 dollars.

Either somebody is getting ripped off, or the dollar has deflated a lot more than the rest of us anticipated.

Sorry for the lack of posting, I’ve been out of town for a couple of days without internet access. While I was quite lacking for information, it did give me a chance to acquaint myself with the new G4TechTV amalgamation. And, much like everyone else, have to say this one thing: it fucking sucks.

It’s funny, because they took all of the bad things that I hated about TechTV, and smooshed them together with all of the crap that I hate over at G4. It used to be that I could watch one or the other, and find something interesting. Now that they are one station, it seems that none of the shows are ones that I particularly care for.

My offer to save your network still stands, G4. Even with this latest merger, I’m sure we can come to some sort of understanding. Everyone wanted a dedicated gaming network, and you fucked it up. Good job. Everyone wanted a dedicated tech network, that got fucked up as well. Two fuck ups don’t cancel each other out, braniacs, so don’t merge the two and hope their bastard child will come out tasting like Honey Nut Cheerios®. Statistically speaking, it will probably taste like black licorice dipped in horse manure, which I can tell you firsthand leaves a pretty unpleasant aftertaste.

Bottom line G4TechTV, you’ve gotta innovate. Come up with some new shows, ditch some of the old, irritating hosts, and make some goddamned money. Or, if you’re not too keen on innovating… steal. Take the current reality TV show blitz, and spin it to your own demographic. It’s not that hard. Here are a few more guaranteed success stories waiting to happen. Call it a gift, from me to you.

• The (Case) Mod Squad – You want an easy way to introduce your gaming audience to the techie audience? How about one of those crappy home remodeling shows, except the experts go in and trick out the case of one lucky viewer. It would be just like Pimp My Ride, only with a serious tilt towards the nerd. If the case mods are cool enough, you might even get me to watch. Throw in a lot of case modding tips and generous backing from some mod-friendly hardware companies and you’ve got an easy win.
• Making The Game – This one is simple. Take Making The Band, and ditch the shitty band. Throw in a bunch of fledgeling game designers. Take out Puff Daddy. Throw in R. Lee Ermey and give him a whip. As long as there are plenty of wierd challenges and roommate infighting, this will be a guaranteed success.
• The CIO – stealing from Trump’s smash hit, The Apprentice, you take a bunch of techies struggling to make it as one of the only CIO’s in the country who is not a certified fucking idiot. Instead of making business decisions and selling lemonade, you pop them into different IT-management related nightmares. Set the server room on fire, spread a virus around the office, post critical server info at different hacker boards, etc. Then you watch the bastards delegate effectively or get sent home. Get Bill Gates, or some other famous Tech company CEO to host it. The winner gets to be CIO for that company for a year. The beauty is that since we all know how fucking useless CIO’s are to begin with, this is a no-risk situation for whomever wants the free publicity.

Of course, the execs at G4TechTV will ignore me again, and then two years from now they’ll swallow another worthless station in an attempt to remain afloat. SpikeTV had better watch it’s ass.

Wow, the Lakers just got their asses handed to them.

Kobe probably could have used some of that bonus cash for his defense team. Or to pay off that few million dollar “I’m Sorry” ring.

Things for you to do today:

1. Install Firefox 0.9
2. Install All-In-One Gestures
3. Dance, honkey!

Continuing the celebrity trend of picking child names that will undoubtedly fuck them up far more than being raised in the limelight, Courtney Cox and David Arquette decided to name their new baby girl “Coco”.

The big question of course is whether or not the baby’s last name will be “Cox”. And if so, what with the Arquette heritage and all, why hasn’t the baby just committed suicide already and been done with it?

If you read that article above, and look at my last sentence, a really really horrible joke comes to mind. But I won’t verbalize it. I’m going to let your work for your spot in Hades today.

I’m a big fan of solidarity. To me, there’s nothing better than human beings of all race and creed unifying, coming together to overcome the odds. And there’s nothing that accomplishes that kind of unity than spite. Pure, unadulterated spite. And here it comes, baby.

Reggie Sanders did not play Sunday for the Cardinals, but for many of the 41,087 in attendance at Ameriquest Field, he was the hero of the day.

In the third inning, Gary Matthews Jr. of the Rangers fouled a ball into the seats and a burly man leaped over a row, knocking over a 4-year-old boy with his legs, and grabbed the baseball.

The incident was caught on television cameras and the fans began to chant for the man to give the boy the ball, but he refused. Sanders saw what had occurred on a television in the clubhouse. In between innings, Sanders came out and summoned the boy and his mother to near the Cardinals’ dugout and gave him a bat and ball as the crowd cheered.

The fellow you see to the right, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, is the dickcheese that knocked the toddler down in order to snake the foul ball.

One of the Cardinals’ players signed a t-shirt to the asshole addressed to the “tough guy and ball stealer.” I guess the fellow fled the stadium before his treat could get to him, but I’m sure the nonstop ribbing he’s going to endure after having his face plastered all over local and national news for bowling over a 4-year-old will be reward enough.

I hope you had a happy Olsen Twins day yesterday, because the insanely rich duo finally turned the legal age for the one thing we’ve all been waiting to see them do. That one sacred act that will bring them fully into womanhood: voting.

Better register now ladies, because you don’t want to be left out come November.

[ Evil Dead: The Musical ]

This totally reminds me of that Simpsons skit.

Agent: “Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?”
Troy McClure: “Er… the movie or the planet?”
Agent: “The brand new musical starring…you.”
Troy McClure: “It’s the part I was born to play, baby!”

I’d buy a ticket, if it weren’t just a bunch of fucking Canadians up in their crappy Canadian town with their Canadian maple syrup and Stanley Cup losing Canadian teams and whatnot.