Category: News

One simple request: don’t fuck the place up while I’m in Vegas, and you can’t even do that. Just wait until your father gets home, young man.

I’m telling you, sleep deprivation, vicodin, and booze do not help you succeed in gambling. It does, however, make you remarkably indifferent towards said goal. Apologies for the outage the last couple of days. I can’t wait until we’re off this ancient perl scripting.

It’s good to see that the resident Cherry slice is still doing fairly well. Christina Applegate is going to be in Anchorman with Will-kicks-fucking-ass-Farrell, which looks like its going to be hilarious.

Well kids, I’m heading off to Vegas in about 45 minutes. Try not to fuck the place up while I’m gone.

[ Judge Suspected Of Masturbating In Court ] – for those of you who didn’t see this yesterday, it gets much better.

“On one occasion, Ms. (Lisa) Foster (Thompson’s court reporter for 15 years), saw Judge Thompson holding his penis up and shaving underneath it with a disposable razor while on the bench,” the petition reads.

Several witnesses, including jurors in Thompson’s court and police officers called to testify in trials, said in the petition they heard the “swooshing” sound of a penis pump during trials and saw the judge slumped in his chair, with his elbows on his knees, working the device. The witnesses said the pump sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up.

Alright, we’re gonna have to tread pretty carefully around this story. It’s like a pun minefield. Hold my hand, we’ll try to make our way out of here together.

Do you think his dissatisfaction with his “size” made him a little hard on the defendants?

…God dammit.

Keira Knightley is going to be in King Arthur, which is probably going to be a $100 million experiment in just how much suck Jerry Bruckheimer can convince the director to shove into an hour and thirty minutes of your life, and still get you to pay for it. I’m guessing just slightly more than Kangaroo Jack, what do you think?

…

…

What was I talking about?

[ It was bound to happen sooner or later ]

That new federal anti-spam law has claimed a couple of its first victims, and it looks like this one will sting a bit.

Prosecutors said Jason Smathers, 24, stole 92 million AOL screen names while working at AOL offices in Dulles, Va., and sold the list to a Las Vegas man, Sean Dunaway. Dunaway used it to send gambling ads and then sold it to spammers, a criminal complaint said.

Smathers was to appear in court in Virginia. No lawyer for him could be located. Each man could face up to five years in prison and at least $250,000 in fines if convicted.

Smathers was not authorized to have access to the screen name list, which is kept in Dulles, but used another employee’s access code last year to steal it, prosecutors said. AOL fired Smathers on Wednesday.

So he was still working there while he was off selling the list for 100K. Then a week later he’s jobless, and possibly looking at five years and a quarter of a million dollar fine. Not bad for a 21-year old.

He’ll be OK though. I hear you get mad street cred in the pen for being a computer geek. Especially one who helps you get Viagra SPAM.

I don’t want you all to think I’ve been slacking on the pie recently. As a matter of fact, the exact opposite is true. Solo and I have been cracking on some new shit for SOTD, and the task is slightly daunting, to say the least. But when it’s done, it’ll all be worth the effort. In the meantime, you can enjoy Kirsten Dunst.

My old pal Tracer Bullet seems to think that Spider-Man sucked, and therefore Spider-Man 2 will also suck. But this is coming from a guy who truly thinks that Daredevil was a good film, so to each his own.

Mabs sent in this story, with only one bit of commentary. Fuckin’ French. I’m inclined to agree.

The southern French city of Marseille called off a three-week hunt for a black panther on Tuesday after the animal sighted by several residents turned out to be a large house cat.

“The ‘panther’ is just a black house cat — a very big one though,” said a spokeswoman for the local prefecture, adding the animal was about 24 inches long and weighed some 22 pounds.

So the French are essentially afraid of Garfield.

…Sounds about right.

Almost 2 fucking year to the day, son! Floyd gives me a call last night, shortly after leaving the Gf’s 21st birthday party (time to rob a new cradle, she’s ancient now) to inform me of an interesting development in his grocer’s freezer. After all these years of searching, my dear friends, they have finally re-released Jell-O® Goddamned Pudding Pops. Now my first response was to tell him what a fucking liar he was, and that the streets would flow with the blood of his cold black heart for teasing me in such a manner. But then, not wanting to be hasty, I put my shiv down and took a stroll down to the grocery store. And what I saw brought a frozen tear to my eye, but that’s only because I had crammed myself inside the freezer so that I could get a little bit closer to these babies:

Revel in the glory of this gloriously glorious day, or your life is forfeit!

TIVOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Needless to say, my Tivo and I are no longer cohabitating peacefully. Two days ago it started skipping, and today it began an endless cycle of rebooting to what the Tivo folks call the “Green Screen Of Death.” Now I have to pull the hard drives out and figure out why my only child has been slain. Slain in front of my own two fucking eyes. And I will find his killer, and I will destroy him with my bare hands.

GIVE ME BACK MY SON!