Category: News

So yeah, I’ve been gone. But it’s been for three good causes: money, chicks, and money. Money, of course, being a precursor to more chicks, obviously. If it hasn’t been working on one universities website, its been going out with the ladies, or Killbot’s birthday, where we attempted to hook up with random hot LA chicks.

In fact, while we were at Killbot’s birthday shenanigans, I inadvertantly called one really hot girl an idiot while I was flirting with her. She was stoked on the fact that I’m a registered Republican, and lamented the fact that a Republican in L.A. is very hard to find. I countered that it is even more difficult to find a Republican who knows what they are talking about. Case in point is anyone who hates Michael Moore, but knows nothing of the man, his books, articles, movies, tv shows, etc. I stated that anyone in this category was a complete moron and not worth wasting time talking to. Yeah, she got pretty frosty after that comment. Guess which category she admitted falling into?

Although that was nowhere near as bad as when I made a nice racially horrific comment towards Killbot (he’s a Jew, I was raised Christian, so savior-killing jokes are always passed around between us) while he was flirting with a fellow child of Abraham. Now see, it’s not my fault. I always bring the Hebrew-ladened funny when I’m drunk, and this was no exception. The girl clearly set it up by talking trash on goyim, and when Killbot stated that he always gets picked on, she responded with “don’t worry man, because we’re the chosen people, right?”

This is where I slurred “Chosen for what, the oven?”

Yeah, everyone swears that she didn’t hear me, which is probably for the best. But everyone else did. And that made all the difference. Good thing we weren’t at Jerry’s Famous Deli.

A fun night was had by all. Even Killbot, who threw up all over a bathroom stall, and a car.

Whoops. Additions:

Bolt: and it would be great to put up the voice message i left for killbot about holding his key ring hostage for alcohol…..you need to hear it…hilarious
Sharkey: i should!
Bolt: i told him i was holding his leatherman hostage until he brings back our alcohol..and then you said in the backgroud, “or brings back our savior!”
Bolt: funny times

[ More Info On The Sofa-Woman Who Died ] – Pretty sad story. They’re looking into pressing charges against family members who let her live that way. She was a big girl (no pun intended), she could make her own decisions.

Yeah, so it looks like we’re going to get another Paris Hilton sex tape, since she’s apparently a total fucking camslut. She’d better cash in soon, because people are starting to like Nicole Richie ( STEAMY Paris Hilton is bracing herself for a second sex video scandal, the News of the World can reveal.

Stills and clips of her bonking ex-lover Nick Carter, the former Backstreet Boy, were on a laptop that vanished in the recent break-in at her Hollywood home, she has told pals.

“She’s bracing herself for further embarrassment,” said the source. “Nick and Paris loved making sex tapes.”

But Nick, 24, who split with Paris days before the break-in, says: “There are no sex tapes of me and Paris.”

There had better be sex tapes, you little bastard. Because if not, there is no longer a reason for either of you to exist. In which case, I will have to lay the both of you down in the path of the trucks when we pave over France.

And now, seeing that I slightly chuckled to myself as I realized that we would be burying Paris in Paris, I feel slightly disappointed in myself. I bid you adieu.

Oh mother of fucking merciful mercies. This is a truly grand story, and I lifted it straight outta the forums. That forum thread box above this post is fucking awesome, and I am totally glad I coded it. DRUNK ME APPROVES!

Oh right… the story.

Officials said Mario Russo, 44, was attacked after he was spotted outside a bedroom window wearing his pants around his ankles and watching a 5-year-old girl who was sleeping outside the Bunkeridge Apartments.

Police said after he was discovered a group of six people, include the girls mother, aunt and their boyfriends attacked him and brutally beat him for more than an hour.

The girl’s mother, Stacy Umstott, 28; her aunt, Athena Lemieux, 20; Brandon Breedon, 21; Nicholas Phipps, 21; and Khald Arafat, 34; and a 15-year-old are in police custody. They face felonious assault and rape charges. Murder charges could be filed if Russo dies.

The girl’s aunt admitted to sexually assaulting Russo with a tree branch, police said.

Fucking. Amazing. The fact that these people were arrested is a testament to the America that lawyers have crafted for us. Just one more step towards destroying them in kilms of immense torturous flame, in my opinion. Well, right after I stop doing websites for law firms. Contact me for a quote, you evil bitches. I do good work.

Yeah, I haven’t been able to post very much since I got back from Hawaii, mainly because my clients are in dire need of my attention at the moment. Another day or so and we should be back on pie-posting track.

In the meantime, I had to share something that I saw on the way back from Garden Grove today. There was a Navigator driving along, the sucker seemed a little bit lifted, thus giving the owner a higher view of the rest of us poor bastards with our tiny (in comparison) fuel efficient vehicles. Well, this guy apparently didn’t have much cash after filling his gas tank, because this thing looked like it hadn’t been washed for a few months. And scrawled across his back window was the typical teenage-angst-driven messages of “Wash Me!” and whatnot. But on closer inspection, these teens had apparently written “WAHS ME WAHS ME!” a few times before realizing their own idiocy, and then scrawling the correct “WASH ME!” below. These aren’t seven year olds, unless you know a near-six-foot seven year old. Although I suppose I was in a predominantly foreign-language dominant area, I should be happy that the teens knew that a car was something that needed washing. Although I guess since that will probably be their primary source of income in the future, they might want to learn how to spell it for the job application.

BTW, anyone else find it fucked up that I was sincerely overjoyed to pay $1.94 for gas today, when a few years ago I was paying exactly half that?

[ GTA: San Andreas Stealth Mode Revealed ] – this game is going to be so fucking massive, I might just have to give up work to play the damned thing.

There are dozens of places in San Andreas to rob, including a number of houses in Los Santos that can be broken into, most of which contain a variety of goods that you can pinch and then hock to build up your wealth. And it’s worth going further afield than your immediate neighbourhood – the flashier districts tend to have a wider selection of luxury items that you can pilfer.

Before you start, you’ll need a getaway van (just hit R3 to jack a moving truck) and you can look the part by buying a ski mask or balaclava from a number of clothing stores. More important than aesthetics though is the fact that, balaclava firmly in place, CJ moves into sneak mode – giving proceedings a whole new Metal Gear Solid-flavoured twist.

If you end up in a house with the inhabitants still in it, you’ll need a baseball bat, shotgun or, ideally, a knife (since this is the quietest weapon) to shut them up – permanently – before they have a chance to call the police. You have to wait until after dark to make your move – people will be sleeping and you’ll have more opportunity to sneak out with the TV or video recorder under your arm (remember this is set in the pre-DVD ’90s). The burglary function works better in the light of the new, bigger interiors – houses have multiple rooms, all of which are worth searching.

God damn. Couple that with the sheer size of the three cities, the gang warfare, the eating and excercising system, and all the new vehicles, and you have a gaming orgy happening right inside your TV. I hope Rockstar isn’t overexerting the game itself, because if I have to go on a crime spree, I certainly don’t want to stop for a burger or do some calf stretches. I’m a hardcore thug, cracka. Jackin’ is my excercise and bling bling is my meat.

[ Micky Yanai – Inventor of the “Helicopter Fuck” ] – watch the video, I’m sure a lot of seasoned Kazaa veterans have come across it before. And just in case you were wondering, this is 100% not safe for work.

While we were in Hawaii, we saw some amazing sites. Met some great people. Stayed in an incredible house. But I have to say that the trips to some of the places we visited made them all the better. Dirt roads, rocky terrain, dangerous climbs, all of them made the destination seem all the sweeter. From the green sand beach that we had to hike a million years and maneuver down fun cliffs to see, to the all night hike-fest over the lava rock just to get within eyesight of the volcano, it all seemed like something to respect and admire.

That lame sentiment out of the way, I was quite surprised that after a few hour drive to get to this black sand beach, which also had a lovely 45 minute drive just to get across 6 miles of rocky roads, we found this piece of beauty laid in massive white rocks across the dune opposing the beach.

I didn’t know whether to be proud, or afraid. We are everywhere, and we are nowhere. Watch your ass, world.

[ Uh… Good Thing He Was Blind ] – Teacher (female) is going to jail for “raping” an 11-year-old blind boy.

Considering the super-hot piece of ass the last kid got, this poor guy kinda crapped out, with the exception of being blind. Which I guess is kind of a sick blessing, the blindness. Or maybe I’m the sick one, calling it a blessing. Hmmm… guess I’ll have to meditate on that one.

Shit, I’ve only got nine minutes before the store stops selling meditation juice. Which I need. …for the meditation.

[ Rushdie Says ‘We Need Teh Pron’ ] – The man is also banging a chick 26 years his junior, so he knows what he’s talkin’ about.