Buck O Nine’s “My Town” Comes To Mind

Every now and again I like to peruse the police log of my city, which has made #1 on the safest cities in America list a few times, if I recall. We’re still in the top ten, at least I know that. What’s funny is, you’d think we’re some kind of shitty po’dunk town that is cut off from normal human civilization. Not true. In fact, we’ve got shopping centers coming out our asses, one of the largest movie theatres on the planet (was #1 for the first few years it was open) and a shitload of money running through the town. There’s a Starbucks on every corner, and more bored teens smokin’ the weed than Dick Clark has rings on his trunk. Not a bustling metropolis, that’s true, but hardly competition for Hooterville.

However, I will admit that for a town with so much shit crammed into it, this place is a tad boring. Especially when you look at the police reports. Let’s take a look at the highlights, shall we?

Tuesday, December 3 1:42 p.m. Manic depressive not taking medication, transported out of city
— I shit you not, this is the police code for “We found a bum. We dropped him off in Costa Mesa where he belongs.” Ask anyone, you can see a bum at a freeway on ramp on your way to McDonalds, and on your way back he’s being loaded into a police cruiser. I want to be a cop in this town, the donut intake must be awe-inspiring.

Friday, December 6 3:17 p.m. Criminal threat; unknown suspect threatened to hit victim’s head in with a baseball bat, suspect possibly from rival advertising company; Valpak on Business Center Drive.
–Being that a lot of rich retards with no clue as to what to do with their inherited wealth exist in this town, it must be a pretty brutal industry. If you’ve ever seen the ValPak commercials where the little envelope guy dances around, then you comprehend the amazing visual I have of a white collar ad exec threatening to beat a cartoon envelope. But then again, I’m drunk and you, most likely, are not.

Friday, December 13 7:10 p.m. Grand theft commercial; $1,000 worth of hand tools taken from IMAX projection room; Edwards Cinema on Fortune.
— I’m surprised I didn’t hear about this one before now. I know the manager and the projectionists very well. Matter of fact, so do you. But I digress…

Saturday, December 14 5:42 p.m. Battery; 51-year-old male suspect pushed 10-year-old victim; Edwards on Jamboree.
— Yes, this is the sad level of courage that is exuded amongst the more aged Republicans around here that I aspire to become. *sigh*

Basically, if you read through the reports, you’ll see a shitload of the following: fake IDs, Identity thefts, and marijuana possession. The three top crimes in the city last month were two rapes and an armed robbery at one of the numerous Blockbuster Video stores. Not to trivialize the rapes, those are pretty Goddamn terrible, but those are the extent of criminal activity in our town? No wonder all the kids get bored, smoke weed, and ironically wind up on this police log.

The best bit is, I’ve no doubt been on that log myself once or twice. Last month there was a big hubbub concerning teens that were dropping water balloons onto cars from overhead walkways on residential streets. Seems like the whole damn place is going down the shitter. Next thing you know they’ll allow more than three black people into the town! *GASP* BTW, my good friend Tracer Bullet is one of those esteemed three, and that’s only because he has a white momma. I live in Pleasantville, only instead of black and white wholesome teens, there are a lot of Asian sluts. Rock.

I’m drunk enough to sleep now. Night night.